Treatise 2, Part 2: Of Common Mutual Duties Between Man and Wife
§. 1. Of the heads of those common-mutual duties.
In the first part of this Treatise concerning Man and Wife, has been declared, who are so to be accounted: in this second part their common-mutual duties are to be laid forth. These are either absolutely necessary for the being and abiding of marriage: or needful and requisite for the well being and well abiding of it, that is, for the good estate of marriage, and for a commendable, and comfortable living together.
There are two kinds of the former, | 1. Matrimonial Unity. | 2. Matrimonial Chastity. | |
The latter also may be drawn to two heads: for they are either such as the married couple are mutually to perform each to other: or such as both of them are jointly to perform to others.
Those mutual duties are | 1. A loving affection of one to another. | 2. A provident care of one for another. | |
Under that provident care I comprise both the means whereby it may be the better effected (which is Cohabitation) and the matter wherein it consists:
And this respects, | 1. The soul, | 3. The good name | of each other. | 2. The body, | 4. The goods | | |
The joint duties which are to be performed to others,
respect | 1. Those who are in the house. | 2. Those who are out of the house. | |
They who are in the house are | 1. Members of the family. | 2. Guests which come to the family. | |
Many more particulars are comprised under these general heads, which I purpose distinctly to deliver, as I come to them in their several proper places.
§. 2. Of Matrimonial Unity.
The first, highest, chiefest, and most absolutely necessary common-mutual duty between Man and Wife, is Matrimonial Unity, whereby husband and wife do account one another to be one flesh, and accordingly preserve the inviolable union whereby they are knit together. This is that duty which the Apostle enjoins to husbands and wives, in these words, Let not the wife depart from her husband: Let not the husband put away his wife. He there speaks of renouncing each other, and making the matrimonial bond frustrate, and of no effect: which bond he would have to be kept firm and inviolable, and they two who are thereby made one, constantly to remain one, and not to make themselves two again. This matrimonial unity is so necessary, as it may not be disunited or dissolved though one be a Christian, the other a Pagan. If any brother (says the Apostle) has a wife that believes not, let him not put her away (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). And the woman which has a husband that believes not, let her not leave him (1 Corinthians 7:12-13).
The reasons of this inviolable union are especially two: One taken from the Author of marriage: the other from the Nature thereof.
1. The Author of marriage is God. It is his ordinance: and he it is that by his ordinance has made of two, one flesh. Now mark the consequence which Christ as a ruled case, and undeniable principle infers thereon, What God has joined together, let no man put asunder (Genesis 2:18, 22, 24; Matthew 19:6). If no man, then nor wife, nor husband himself.
2. Such is the nature of the matrimonial bond as it makes of two one, and more firmly binds them two together, than any other bond can bind any other two together, how then should they be two again?
§. 3. Of Desertion.
The vice contrary to matrimonial unity is Desertion, when one of the married couple through indignation of the true religion, and utter detestation thereof, or some other like cause, shall apparently renounce all matrimonial unity, and withdraw him or herself from all society with the other, and live among Infidels, Idolaters, heretics, or other such persecutors, as a faithful Christian with safety of life, or a good conscience, cannot abide among; and though all good means that can be thought of be used to reclaim the party so departed, yet nothing will prevail, but obstinately persists in renouncing all matrimonial fellowship.
This Desertion is in the case of marriage so capital, as it frees the innocent party from any further seeking after the other. In which respect the Apostle says, If the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases (1 Corinthians 7:15). By bondage he means matrimonial subjection (by reason whereof neither of the married persons have power of their own body, but one of the others.) Now they that are not under this bondage, are not bound to seek after it. That Desertion therefore on the delinquent's part is such dissolution of marriage, as frees the innocent party from the bondage thereof. In many reformed Churches beyond the seas Desertion is accounted so far to dissolve the very bond of marriage, as liberty is given to the party forsaken to marry another: and it is also applied to other cases than that which is above mentioned: as when an Infidel, Idolater, or Heretic shall depart from one of the true religion for other causes than hatred of religion: or when both man and wife having lived as Idolaters among Idolaters, one of them being converted to the true faith, leaves his abode among Idolaters, and goes to the professors of the true faith, but can by no means get the other party to remove: or when one of the true religion shall depart from another of the same profession, and will by no means be brought to live with the party so left, but openly manifests peremptory obstinacy; the matter being heard and adjudged by the Magistrate, the marriage bond may be broken, and liberty given to the party forsaken to marry another. But because our Church has no such custom, nor our law determined such cases, I leave them to the custom of other Churches.
§. 4. Of Matrimonial Chastity.
The second necessary common-mutual marriage-duty is Matrimonial Chastity. Chastity in a large extent is taken for all manner of purity in soul or body: in which respect the Apostle calls the Church of God a chaste virgin (1 Corinthians 11:2). But in the sense wherein we here use it, it especially pertains to the body: which is that virtue whereby we possess our vessels (to use the Apostle's phrase) in holiness and honor (1 Thessalonians 4:4): or more plainly to our purpose, whereby we keep our bodies undefiled.
Chastity thus restrained to the body is of | Single life. | Wedlock. | |
That of single life is opposed to fornication: and it is either of such as never were married. Such an one was Saint Paul, in which respect he wishes that all were as he (1 Corinthians 7:7). Or of such as are lawfully freed from the bond of marriage. Such an one the Apostle calls a widow indeed. Chastity of wedlock is that virtue whereby parties married, observing the lawful and honest use of marriage, keep their bodies from being defiled with strange flesh: thus the Apostle commands wives to be chaste (Titus 2:5). So as they that keep the laws of wedlock are as chaste as they that contain.
Here by the way note the dotage of our adversaries, who think there is no chastity, but of single persons: whereupon in their speeches and writings they oppose chastity and matrimony one to another, as two contraries.
Some of their holy Fathers and Popes, and those not the least learned, nor of worst note among them, have inferred by their arguments against priests' marriage, that marriage is a living in the flesh, a sowing to the flesh, a pollution of the flesh. To that purpose Saint Paul's advice to man and wife to abstain, that they may give themselves to fasting and prayer, is urged: but directly contrary to the intent of the Apostle. For,
1. He speaks there of extraordinary humiliation. 2. He interposes this limitation, for a time. 3. He says not simply, that you may pray, but that you may give yourselves (or have leisure) to prayer: as if it did only hinder, but not pollute prayer.
But how can the forenamed spots and blots of marriage stand with that beauty and glory with which the Apostle sets it forth in these words, Marriage is honorable in all (Hebrews 13:4)? If marriage were as Papists set it forth to be, the marriage bed were very unfitly called a bed undefiled.
Behold how contrary the spirits of Saint Paul and of their Popes were. I know well far more contrary than chastity and matrimony.
But to return to our matter, clear it is, that married persons may be chaste, and accordingly they ought to be chaste. To which purpose the Apostle counseling men and women, for avoiding fornication, to have wives and husbands, inserts this particle own (Let every man have his own wife, and every woman have her own husband) whereby he implies, that they should not have to do with any other. That which Solomon expresses of a husband, by the rule of relation must be applied to a wife. As the man must be satisfied at all times in his wife, and even ravished with her love; so must the woman be satisfied at all times in her husband, and even ravished with his love. By the like rule the precept given to wives, to be chaste, must husbands take as directed to themselves also, and be chaste. This duty did Isaac and Rebekah faithfully and mutually perform each to other.
1. It was one main end, why marriage (especially since the fall of man) was ordained, to live chastely. This the Apostle implies, where he says, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. And again, If they cannot contain let them marry.
2. By chastity is a godly seed preserved on earth. By this reason does the Prophet Malachi enforce this duty. For after he has said, that the Lord made one, meaning of two one flesh by marriage, he infers this exhortation, Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal unfaithfully against the wife of his youth.
3. A special part of the honor of marriage consists in chastity: whereupon the Apostle having given this high commendation of marriage, that it is honorable in all, adds this clause (and the bed undefiled) to show the reason of that honor. As if he had said, Because the marriage bed is in itself a bed undefiled, marriage is therefore in itself honorable, and does so far remain honorable, as the bed remains undefiled.
§. 5. Of Adultery.
The vice contrary to matrimonial chastity is adultery, one of the most capital vices in that estate: a vice whereby way is made for divorce: as is clear and evident by the determination of Christ himself, concerning that point, first propounded in his sermon on the mount, and again repeated in his conference with the Pharisees, where condemning unjust divorces, he excepts the divorce made for adultery (Matthew 5:32; Matthew 19:9).
And great reason there is thereof. For the adulterer makes himself one flesh with his harlot. Why then should he remain to be one flesh with his wife? Two (says the Law) shall be one flesh: not three (1 Corinthians 6:16). The like may be said of a wife committing adultery.
§. 6. Of pardoning adultery upon repentance.
Quest. Seeing by adultery just cause of divorce is given, may this fault upon the repentance of the delinquent person be so forgiven, as no divorce be sought by the innocent person, but both continue to live together in wedlock as before?
Answ. Though it is not meet in this case, to impose it as an inviolable law upon the innocent party, to retain the delinquent, because of repentance (for we have direct and strict warrant for it) yet I doubt not but they may so do, if they will, and that without just exception to the contrary, they ought so to do. For the law of divorce did not necessarily enjoin any to sue out the bill, but only afforded them liberty to use that punishment if they saw cause. I doubt not but for warrant of this liberty, we may take God's pattern, in retaining churches and people after they have committed spiritual adultery: and Christ's forgiving the woman that had committed adultery. For, seeing Christ said to an adulteress, I condemn you not, go and sin no more, who cannot conceive that a husband ought to forgive that which he sees the Lord both of husband and wife has forgiven: and that he ought not to account her an adulteress, whose fault he believes to be blotted out, by the mercy of God, upon her repentance?
§. 7. Of the difference of adultery in a man, and in a wife.
Quest. Is the bond of marriage as much violated on the man's part when he commits adultery as on the woman's when she does so?
Answ. Though the ancient Romans and Canonists have aggrauated the womans fault in this kinde farre aboue the mans, and giuen the man more priuiledges than the woman, yet I see not how that difference in the sinne can stand with the tenour of Gods word. I denie not but that more inconueniences may follow upon the womans default than upon the mans: as, greater infamy before men, worse disturbance of the family, more mistaking of legitimate, or illegitimate children, with the like. The man cannot so well know which be his own children, as the woman; he may take base children to be his own, and so cast the inheritance upon them; and suspect his own to be basely borne, and so depriue them of their patrimony. But the woman is freed from all such mistakings. Yet in regard of the breach of wedlocke, and transgression against God, the sinne of either partie is alike. Gods word maketh no disparity between them. At the beginning God said of them both, they two shall be one flesh: not the woman only with the man, but the man also with the woman is made one flesh. Their power also ouer one another in this respect is alike. If on iust occasion they abstaine, it must be with mutuall consent. If the husband leaue his wife, she is as free, as he should be, if she left him. Accordingly the punishment which by Gods law was to be inflicted on Adulterers is the same, whether the man or the woman be the delinquent, (Deut. 22. 22.) If difference be made, it is meet that adulterous husbands be so much the more seuerely punished, by how much the more it appertaineth to them to excell in vertue, and to gouerne their wives by example.
§. 8. Of the hainousnesse of Adulterie.
But to returne to the discouery of the hainousnesse of Adulterie, I find no sinne thorowout the whole Scripture so notoriously in the several colours thereof set forth, as it is. For besides that it is by name forbidden in the Decalogue, it is further expresly branded to be committed,
1. Against each person in the holy Trinitie: the Father (whose couenant is broken) the Sonne (whose members are made the members of an harlot) and the Holy Ghost (whose Temple is polluted.)
2. Against ones neighbour, as the partie with whom the sinne is committed (for this sinne cannot be committed singly by one alone) the husband and wife of each partie who cannot rest contented with any satisfaction) the children borne in adulterie (whom they brand with an indelible character of infamie, and depriue of many priuiledges that otherwise they might enioy) the alliance and friends of each partie (to whom the griefe and disgrace of this foule sinne reacheth) the whole family appertaining to either of them (for this is as a fire in an house) the towne, citie, and nation where such vncleane birds roost (for all they lie open to the vengeance of God for this sinne) and the very Church of God (the holy seed of which is by this sinne hindred)
3. Against the parties themselves that commit this sinne, and that against their soules, bodies, name, goods, and all that appertaineth to them.
As this sinne is in it self a sinfull sinne, so by the bitter and cursed fruits which proceed from it, it is made out of measure sinfull. For
1. By it husbands and wives affection (which of all other ought to be the most inuiolable) is so alienated, as seldome it is reconciled againe.
2. By it the goods of the family are much wasted: the adulterous husband spending that wherewith he should prouide for his family, on his harlot: and the adulterous wife purloining what she can from her husband.
3. By it husbands and wives are stirred vp to wish, and long after one anothers death: and not only inwardly in heart to wish it, but outwardly also in deed to practise it.
4. If from this sinne there arise not a gauling and terrifying conscience (as oft there does) than (which is worse) a seared conscience, an hard heart, a reprobate sense, and an impudent face.
Therefore God accordingly deales with such sinners. In his soule he hateth them: by his word he has denounced many fearefull iudgements against them, both in this world, and in the world to come (against no sinne more.) This sin is reckoned to be one of the most principall causes of the greatest iudgements that ever were inflicted in the world: as of the generall deluge: of that fire and brimstone which destroied Sodome and Gomorrah: of Canaans spuing out her Inhabitants: of that plague which destroied in one day 24000: and of the Israelites captiuitie, with the like: By all which we see that fearefull doome verified, Whoremongers, and adulterers God will iudge. Now consider what a fearefull thing it is to fall into the hands of the liuing God.
§. 9. Of remedies against Adulterie, and in particular of due beneuolence, and of defect or excesse therein.
For preuenting this hainous sinne (to omit many other remedies which Gods word has prescribed, as a diligent keeping of the heart (that lustfull thoughts proceed not from there) of the eies (that they wander not on the beautie or propernesse of any ones person, or on lasciuious pictures, or any other like allurements) of the eares (that they hearken not to any inticements of others) of the tongue (that it vtter no vnchaste and corrupt communication) of the lips (that they delight not in wanton kisses) of the hands (that they vse no wanton daliance) of the feet (that they carry you not too neere to the place where adulterie may be committed) of your company (that you be not defiled with others wantonnesse and vncleannesse) of your diet (that it be not immoderate) of your apparell (that it be not garish and lasciuious) of your time (that it be not vainly and idly spent) to omit, I say, these and other like remedies.) One of the best remedies that can be prescribed to maried persons (next to an awfull feare of God, and a continuall setting of him before them, wheresoeuer they are) is, that husband and wife mutually delight each in other, and maintaine a pure and feruent love between themselves, yeelding that due beneuolence one to another which is warranted & sanctified by Gods word, and ordained of God for this particular end. This due beneuolence (as the Apostle stileth it) is one of the most proper and essentiall acts of mariage: and necessary for the maine and principall ends thereof: as for preseruation of chastitie in such as have not the gift of continency, for increasing the world with a legitimate brood, and for linking the affections of the maried couple more firmely together. These ends of mariage, at least the two former, are made void without this duty be performed.
As it is called benevolence because it must be performed with good will and delight, willingly, readily and cheerfully; so it is said to be due because it is a debt which the wife owes to her husband, and he to her. For the wife has not the power of her own body, but the husband; and likewise also the husband has not the power of his own body, but the wife.
I have my warrant from the Apostle to prescribe this duty as a remedy against adultery. For to avoid fornication, he advises man and wife to render due benevolence one to another. If then this question be moved (How will marriage keep men and women from adultery?) this answer out of the Apostle's words may be given (by rendering due benevolence:) which he further inculcates by declaring the mischief that may follow upon the neglect of this duty, namely a casting of themselves into the snares of Satan. Well might he press this duty to that end, because no other means is of like force: nor fasting, nor watching, nor hard lodging, nor long travel, nor much labor, nor cold, nor solitariness, nor anything else. Some that have by these means endeavored much to beat down their bodies, and subdue lust (but neglected the forenamed remedy) have notwithstanding felt lust boiling in them.
There are two extremes contrary to this duty. One in the defect: another in the excess.
Defect therein is, when in case of need it is not required, or being required by the one, it is not yielded by the other. Modesty is pretended by some for not requiring it: but in a duty so warrantable and needful, pretense of modesty is (to speak the least) a sign of great infirmity, and a cause of much iniquity. To deny this duty being justly required, is to deny a due debt, and to give Satan great advantage. The punishment inflicted on Onan (Genesis 38:9-10) shows how great a wrong this is. From that punishment the Hebrews gather that this sin is a kind of murder. It is so much the more heinous when hatred, stoutness, niceness, fear of having too many children, or any other like respects, are the cause thereof.
Excess is either in the measure, or in the time. In the measure, when husband or wife is insatiable; provoking, rather than assuaging lust, and weakening their natural vigor more than suppressing their unnatural humor. Many husbands and wives are much oppressed by their bedfellows' unsatableness in this kind.
In the time, when it is against piety, mercy, or modesty.
1. Against piety, when no day, nor duty of religion, no not extraordinary days, and duties of humiliation, will make them forbear. The Prophet's bidding the bridegroom and bride go out of their chamber in the day of a fast, and the Apostle's excepting of prayer and fasting, where he enjoins this duty of due benevolence, show that in the time of a fast it must be forborne.
2. Against mercy, when one of the married couple being weak by sickness, pain, labor, travel, or any other like means, and through that weakness not well able to perform his duty, the other notwithstanding will have it performed. I will have mercy, and not sacrifice, says the Lord. Shall God's sacrifice give place to mercy, and shall not man's or woman's [illegible]? For so I may well term this unseasonable desire.
Quest. What if a husband or wife continue so long sick, or otherwise weak, as the other cannot contain?
Answ. In such cases of necessity the body must be beaten down, and earnest prayer made for the gift of continence: for surely the Lord who has brought you to that necessity, will give you grace sufficient.
3. Against modesty, when husbands require this duty in that time, which under the Law was called the time of a wife's separation for her disease (Leviticus 15:19ff.). For what can be expected from such polluted copulation, but a leprous and loathsome generation? This kind of intemperance is expressly forbidden (Leviticus 18:19) and a capital punishment inflicted on such as offended therein (Leviticus 20:18). Abstinence in this time is set in the catalog of those notes which declare a man to be righteous (Ecclesiasticus 20:7) and the contrary intemperance is put in the roll of such abominations as provoked God to spue out the Canaanites (Leviticus 18:28) and to forsake his own inheritance (Ezekiel 22:10).
To this kind of intemperance some refer a man's knowing of his wife after she has conceived with child. But I find no such matter condemned in God's word: neither dare I make that a sin which is not there condemned. Certain sectaries among the Jews are branded for this error.
1. Object. No other creature will so do: so as it may seem to be against nature.
Answ. 1. I deny the argument: though some forbear, yet all do not.
2. I deny the consequence: for other creatures are not so tied one male to one female, as a husband to his own wife. Besides, that which beasts by nature are tied to, must be left to man's discretion.
2. Object. After a woman has once conceived, no more conceptions can be expected, till she be delivered.
Answ. Conception is not the only end of this duty: for it is to be rendered to such as are barren.
Quest. What if the wife give suck to her child, ought not her husband then to forbear?
Answ. Because giving suck is a mother's duty, man ought to do what he can to contain.
§. 10. Of mutual love between man and wife.
Hitherto of those common mutuall duties which tend to the preseruation of the very being of mariage, and are in that respect absolutely necessarie. The other common mutuall duties (though they be not of so absolute necessitie as the former) are in their kinde necessary for the good estate of mariage, and for the better preseruing of that knot: so as, if they be not performed, the end and right vse of mariage will be peruerted, & that estate made vncomfortable, & very burdensome. The first of these is love. A louing mutuall affection must passe between husband and wife, or else no duty will be well performed: this is the ground of all the rest. In some respects love is proper and peculiar to an husband, as I purpose to shew when I come to speake of an husbands particular duties. But love is also required of wives, and they are commanded to be louers of their husbands, as well as husbands to love their wives: so as it is a common mutuall duty belonging to husband and wife too: and that is true wedlocke, when man and wife are linked together by the bond of love. under love all other duties are comprised: for without it no duty can be well performed. love is the fulfilling of the Law, that is, the very life of all those duties which the law requireth. It is the bond of perfection, which bindeth together all those duties that passe between partie and partie. Where love aboundeth, there all duties will readily and cheerefully be performed. Where love is wanting, there every duty will either be altogether neglected, or so carelesly performed, that as good not be performed at all: in which respect the Apostle willeth, that all things be donein love. love as it prouoketh the partie in whom it ruleth to do all the good it can; so it stirreth vp the partie loued to repay good for good. It is like fire, which is not only hot in it self, but also conueigheth heat into that which is neere it: from where ariseth a reflection of heat from one to another. Note how admirably this is set forth between Christ and his Spouse in the Song of Salomon: and it is further manifested in the examples of all good husbands and wives noted in the Scripture: they did mutually beare a very louing affection one to another.
Though love be a general duty which every one oweth to another, euen to his enemie, yet the neerer that God has linked any together, the more are they bound to this duty, and the more must they abound therein. But of all others are man and wife most neerely and firmly linked together. Of all others therefore are they most bound hereunto, & that in the highest degree that may be, euen like to Ionathans love, who loued Dauidas his own soule. Salomon says, He that findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth fauour of the Lord: which by the rule of relation is also true of an husband, Shee that findeth an husband findeth a good thing, and obtaineth fauour of the Lord. Man and wife therefore are each to other an especiall pledge of Gods fauour, and in this respect aboue all others under God to be loued. If this be the ground (as it ought to be) of their mutuall love, their love will be feruent and constant. Neither will the want, or withering of any outward allurements, as beautie, personage, parentage, friends, riches, honours, or the like, with-hold or with-draw, extinguish or extenuate their love: neither will any excellencies of nature or grace in other husbands and wives draw their hearts from their own to those other: nor yet will the love of a former yoake-fellow dead and gone, any whit lessen the love of the liuing mate.
This instance I have the rather mentioned, because in many, who are farre from setting their affection on strange flesh, their love of a former husband or wife departed is so fast fixed in their heart, as they can neuer againe so intirely love any other. They who are so minded are not fit to be ioined with another yoke-fellow after they are loosed from one. If they mary againe, and manifest such a minde, they plainly shew that they respect this or that person more than Gods ordinance. By Gods ordinance man and wife are no longer bound one to another than they liue together. Death is an absolute diremption, and maketh an vtter dissolution of the mariage bond. If the manbe dead, the wife is deliuered from the law of the man, so as shee may take another man. Which liberty is also giuen to the man. Being now free, if they mary another (that other being now a true husband or wife) their love must be as intire to that other as it was to the former: yea, and more intire, if there were any defect in the former. For as children maried out of their parents house must not retaine such a love of their parents as shall swallow vp their love of the partie to whom they are maried, but must according to the law, leaue father and mother, and cleaue to their yoke-fellow: so neither must the love of a former husband or wife be predominant when they are maried to another. This other must be as close cleaued to, as if they had neuer been ioined to a former. The liuing husband or wife is the present pledge of Gods fauour. He is now your own husband: and she is now your own wife: and not the partie that is dead. I denie not but the memorie of a vertuous husband or wife ought to be pretious to the suruiuing partie: for the memoriall of the iust is blessed. But as the vertue of a person deceased may not be buried with the dead corps: so neither may the person be kept aboue ground with the memorie of his or her vertue: which after a sort is done, when love of the partie deceased either taketh away, or extenuateth the love of the liuing. This is to give dominion to the dead ouer the liuing: which is more than the law enioyneth.
§. 11. Of husbands and wives mutuall hatred contrary to love.
There is a generation of so crabbed and crooked a disposition as they cannot love, but rather hate one another because they are man and wife: for many husbands having wives, and wives husbands every way worthy to be loved, will notwithstanding say to the astonishment of the hearers, I have indeed a good husband, or I have a good wife: but I cannot love him, or I cannot love her: and being demanded a reason, stick not openly and impudently to reply, I think I could love him if he were not my husband, or I think I could love her if she were not my wife. O more than monstrous impudence! Is not this directly to oppose against God's ordinance, and against that order which he has set between man and woman? Is it not to trample under foot God's favor? Though there were nothing else to move love but this, that such a one is your husband, or such a one is your wife, yet this should be motive enough. And shall this be the ground of your hatred? Assuredly such a spirit is a plain diabolical spirit, contrary to that spirit which is from above; and if it be not cast out, it will cast those whom it possesses into the fire of hell.
Section 12. Of mutual peace between man and wife.
Among other means of maintaining an inward loving affection between man and wife, outward mutual peace, concord, and agreement is one of the principal. Therefore the Apostle exhorts to keep the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace: for peace is a bond that ties one to another, and makes them to be as one, even one in spirit: as on the contrary side outward discord disunites men's spirits. We are enjoined to follow peace with all men: how much more of all persons ought husbands to have peace with their wives, and wives with their husbands? They are nearer than brothers and sisters. Behold then how good and pleasant a thing it is for them to dwell together in unity. Dwell together they must: but without peace there is no dwelling together: It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop than with a contentious woman in a wide house. Persons at variance were far better be out of sight and place, than present together. Out of sight and place man and wife must not be, at peace therefore they must be. Mutual peace between them is a great refreshing to their minds, being beaten with the discords of others. It is said that a wife is in this respect as a haven to man (how much more man to his wife?) If the haven be calm, and free from storms and tempests, what a refreshing will it be to the mariner that has been tossed in the sea with winds and waves?
For maintaining peace,
1. All offenses so much as possibly may be must be avoided. The husband must be watchful over himself that he give no offense to his wife: and so the wife on the other side. Offenses cause contentions.
2. When an offense is given by the one party, it must not be taken by the other; but rather passed by: and then will not peace be broken. The second blow makes the fray.
3. If both be incensed together, the fire is like to be the greater: with the greater speed therefore must they both labor to put it out. Wrath must not lie in bed with two such bed-fellows: neither may they part beds for wrath's sake. That this fire may be the sooner quenched, they must both strive first to offer reconciliation. Theirs is the glory who do first begin, for they are most properly the blessed peacemakers. Not to accept peace when it is offered is more than heathenish: but when wrath is incensed, to seek atonement is the duty of a Christian, and a grace that comes from above.
4. Children, servants, nor any other in the family must be bolstered up by the one against the other. The man's partaking with any of the house against his wife, or the wife's against her husband, is a usual cause of contention between man and wife.
5. They must forbear to twit one another in the teeth with the husbands or wives of other persons: or with their own former husbands or wives (in case they have had any before.) Comparisons in this kind are very odious. They stir up much passion, and cause great contentions.
6. Above all they must take heed of rash and unjust jealousy, which is the bane of marriage, and greatest cause of discontent that can be given between man and wife. Jealous persons are ready to pick quarrels, and to seek occasions of discord: they will take every word, look, action, and motion, in the worse part, and so take offense where none is given. When jealousy is once kindled, it is as a flaming fire that can hardly be put out. It makes the party whom it possesses implacable.
7. In all things that may stand with a good conscience they must endeavor to please one another: and either of them suffer their own will to be crossed, rather than discontent be given to the other. Saint Paul notes this as a common mutual duty belonging to them both, and expresses their care thereof under a word that signifies more than ordinary care, and implies a dividing of the mind into various thoughts, casting this way, and that way, and every way how to give best content.
Section 13. Of contentions between man and wife.
Contrary to mutual peace are contentions between man and wife: which are too frequent in most families, and by which the common good is much hindered. Discord between man and wife in a house is as contention between the master and pilot in a ship: may not great danger, and much mischief be from there justly feared? We heard before that man to his wife, and she to him, is as a haven. Now by experience we find that if the haven be tempestuous it is much more troublesome, and dangerous to the mariner than the wide sea. Therefore let man and wife be of the same mind one to another as Abraham was to Lot, and when occasions of discord are offered, say, Let there be no strife between you and me, for we are man and wife: no more two, but one flesh.
Section 14. Of husbands and wives dwelling together.
From a mutual affection of love proceeds a mutual provident care in husband and wife one for another. In handling this we will first note the means whereby their mutual providence may be the better effected and manifested, and then the matter about which it must be conversant. The means in one word is cohabitation. For it is a duty that man and wife dwell together. The phrase used in setting out the woman's creation (he built a woman, whereby the erecting of a family is intimated) implies as much: so does the law of marriage whereby man is enjoined to leave father and mother, and to cleave to his wife, that is, to go out of his father's house, and to dwell with his wife: and so does this phrase (forget your father's house) taken from the duty of a wife, and mystically applied to the Church. Saint Peter expressly charges husbands to dwell with their wives: and Saint Paul lays it to the charge both of husbands and wives not to leave one another, but to dwell together, indeed though the one be an infidel. Surely it was conscience of this duty which made the Levite to go after his wife, that went away from him, to bring her home again: and which made Jacob's wives to leave their father's house, and go with their husband. The word under which Saint Peter comprises this duty is a title appropriated to a husband: and an answerable title is appropriated to a wife: from which the notation of our two usual English words (husband, housewife) does not much differ.
The power which the one has of the other's body, and the advantage which by living asunder, they give to Satan, (both of which are expressly noted, 1 Corinthians 7:4-5) show the necessity of this duty: and the many benefits arising from there do further press the equity of it. By husbands and wives dwelling together all marriage duties are better performed: mutual love is better bred, preserved, and increased: the good gifts of either of them are better observed by the other: better help and succor is mutually by each afforded to the other: and in fine they are made more capable of doing good one to another, and of receiving good one from another. Why then should they have any mind of living asunder, unless they be forced by extraordinary occasions, as captivity, close imprisonment, contagious sickness, and such like, which are no faults of theirs, but crosses to be borne with grief; and earnest prayer, together with all other good means, to be used to bring them together again? Indeed if the imprisonment, banishment, or other like kind of absence, be such as one may if they will come at the other, the party that is free ought to come to the other, if at least that other requires it.
Section 15. Of the respects for which man and wife may for a time live asunder.
Question: May there be any just causes for man and wife willingly to live asunder?
Answer: There can nor ought to be any cause of utter relinquishing one another, which is a kind of desertion: but for living asunder for a time there may be just causes, as
1. Weighty and urgent affairs which concern the good of the Church, or commonwealth: as when a man is sent forth to war, or on an embassy (in which case though he may take his wife with him, yet is he not necessarily bound thereto, especially if the place where he is sent be far off, the passage thereto difficult and dangerous, and his abode there not long.) When Reuben, Gad, and half the tribe of Manasseh passed over Jordan to help their brethren in their battles against the Canaanites, they left their wives behind them in their families: when Uriah went to war, he left his wife at home: and when Moses was to bring Israel out of Egypt, his wife remained at her father's house.
2. Main duties of their particular calling: as of Mariners, who are often to be on the sea: Merchants who trade in other countries: Lawyers who attend public places of justice: Courtiers, who in their months, or quarters, attend their Prince: Keepers of women in child-bed, and sick persons: and other nurses.
Provided always that in these, and other like cases, there be a joint and mutual consent of both parties: for if man and wife may not defraud one another for a time to give themselves to fasting and prayer without consent: much less may they for lighter occasions live any time asunder without consent. Provided also that they take no delight to live asunder, but rather be grieved that they are forced so to do: and in testimony thereof to take all occasions that they can to manifest their longing desire one after another by letters, messages, tokens, and other like kindnesses: and to return with all the speed they can. No distance, or absence ought in any way to diminish their mutual love.
Section 16. Of the error of Papists about man and wife's separation.
Contrary to the duty of cohabitation is the doctrine of Papists, whereby they teach, that
Separation may be made between man and wife for many causes from bed, or cohabitation, for a certain or uncertain time. The Council of Trent is bold to denounce Anathema against such as say, the Church errs therein. If the many causes which they allege, besides adultery, be well weighed, we shall find them without all warrant of God's word. They draw them to two heads, 1. Mutual consent. 2. Demerit.
By consent (say they) of both parties married to attain a greater and more perfect estate, marriage consummated may be loosed from bed and cohabitation.
Answer 1. In marriage there is a covenant of God (Proverbs 2:17) as well as of the two parties: the consent therefore of parties is not sufficient to break it.
2. No estate in this world can be greater or more perfect than is meet for married persons. Adam and Eve in their best estate were married: and now is marriage honorable in all.
3. The estates which they count more perfect, are either such as are not in man's power (as perpetual continence) or such as may be as well performed by married persons as by single persons (as ecclesiastical functions) if at least they be such as are warranted by God's word. High Priests, and other Priests, all sorts of Levites, extraordinary Prophets and Apostles were married. What greater functions than these?
The causes which for demerit, they say, make a separation, [reconstructed: are] 1. Adultery. 2. Departing from the Catholic faith. 3. Soliciting or impelling to sin.
Concerning adultery, we deny not, but that it gives just cause of divorce: but withal we say (as we have good warrant from Christ's words) that it is the only cause of just divorce. For to make a separation for departing from the Catholic faith, is directly contrary to Saint Paul's and Saint Peter's doctrine (1 Corinthians 7:12-14; 1 Peter 3:1).
As for soliciting and impelling to sin, though it may be cause to move a husband or a wife to walk more warily and wisely, and in extremity to avoid society for a time, or to complain to the Magistrate for relief, who may see it meet to lay the delinquent person in prison, or else otherwise keep them asunder till that delinquent be reclaimed and brought to a better mind: yet is it no sufficient cause finally to dissolve marriage in regard of bed and cohabitation.
They urge that if the right eye cause to offend, it must be plucked out.
Ans. 1. That is but a metaphor, and may sundry other ways [illegible] applied.
2. The words are not simply, but by way of comparison to be taken, rather pluck it out, than to be made to stumble thereby.
3. Plucking out, applied to the point in hand, may be by many other ways, than by dissolving marriage.
4. That general inhibition (whoever shall put away his wife, causes her to commit adultery) restrained only with the exception of fornication, admits neither this, nor any other such cause of dissolving marriage (Matthew 5:32).
§. 17. Of husbands and wives unlawful absenting themselves one from another.
Contrary also to the forenamed duty of cohabitation, is the practice of many men, who living themselves in one place (suppose at London) send their wives to some country house, and there even mew them up, as hawks, never caring to come at them, but are then most merry, when their wives are farthest off. If their wives live at home they will be abroad, mealing and lodging where their wives shall not know: their own house is as a prison to them: they are not well, but when they are out of it. Of the like lewd conceit and practice are many wives, who on no other occasion than mere lightness, being eager in pursuing their pleasures, and satisfying their lusts, gad out of their own houses in the day, lie out of them in the night, and remain in other company days and nights: or at least are glad when their husbands have occasion to be from home; not unlike to the light housewife which Solomon describes (Proverbs 7:10, etc.). I speak of matters too famous, or rather infamous. I would there were no just cause to tax this lightness. But let such as desire to approve themselves to God or man, take heed of these heinous and more than heathenish vices. Though Israel play the harlot, yet let not Judah offend (Hosea 4:15).
Too near to the forenamed kind of unlawful separation do they come, who though they live both in one house, yet make that house by their estranging themselves one from another as two houses: the man abiding in one end thereof, his wife in another: and so have their several rooms, several tables, several servants, all several: Or if the straitness of their house will not suffer them so to part other rooms, yet they will have several bed-chambers, or at least several beds: so as they that shall call them bedfellows, shall but nickname them. Thus they rob each other of that due benevolence which they mutually owe one to another, they expose themselves to the devil's snares, they more and more estrange their hearts one from another, and deprive themselves of such mutual comforts and helps, as by matrimonial society they might afford to, and receive from one another.
§. 18. Of husbands and wives mutual prayers.
The matter about which husbands and wives mutual providence ought to be conversant, is in general the good of one another; that each of them does that for the other, which Solomon in particular applies to a wife, namely, good and not evil all the days of their life (Proverbs 31:12). Now the good of man extends to his soul, body, good name, and goods.
A general duty tending to the good of all these is prayer. Saint Peter requires such a conduct of man and wife one towards another, as their prayers be not hindered (1 Peter 3:7): whereby he takes it for granted, that prayer is a mutual duty which one owes to the other: which duty Isaac performed for his wife (Genesis 25:21). In this may man and wife be helpful each to other in all things needful to either of them: for it is the means which God in wisdom has sanctified for the obtaining of every needful blessing for ourselves or others (Matthew 7:7; James 5:16). By many it is counted but a slight duty and of small use; but the truth is, that to perform it aright, in truth and faith, is both difficult in the deed, and powerful in the effect. It is the best duty that one can perform for another, and the least to be neglected. We heard before, that Isaac prayed for his wife: and to show the good he did to her thereby, it is noted, that the Lord was entreated of him: so as she, being barren before, by that means conceived (Genesis 25:21). All the medicine in the world could not have done her so much good. Always therefore, without ceasing is this duty to be performed (Luke 18:1; 1 Thessalonians 5:17). Whenever man and wife make any prayer, in it they must be mindful of one another: indeed, and often must they of purpose take occasion to make prayers in special one for another: and that both in absence, and also in presence of one another.
This latter does especially concern the husband, who is as a priest to his wife, and ought to be her mouth to God when they two are together: yet I doubt not, but that the wife may pray in the husband's presence when they two are alone, either for trial (that he may have knowledge of her ability and gift in that kind) or for help (if the wife be much better able to perform that duty than the man is, as many wives are.) Not without cause therefore have I reckoned this among common mutual duties.
§. 19. Of the things for which husbands and wives are to pray alone.
There are sundry needful blessings which husbands and wives are to pray for that appertain only to themselves, and are most meet to be mentioned in private prayer between themselves, as
1. That as they two are one flesh, so they may be also one spirit: that their hearts may be as one, knit together by a true, spiritual, matrimonial love: always delighting one in another, ever helpful one to another, and ready with all willingness and cheerfulness to perform all those duties which they owe one to another.
2. That their marriage bed may be sanctified: and as it is by God's ordinance, so it may remain to them by their well using it, a bed undefiled. There is no other thing, for which mutual prayer in private between man and wife is more needful: and that so much the rather, because of the natural heat of lust which is in most: which if it be not by prayer (the best means for that purpose) assuaged, it may prove a defilement of the undefiled bed: and man and wife become adulterers one to another. As other things, so this also is sanctified by the word and prayer. The word gives a warrant and direction for the use of it: prayer both seasons it, and procures a blessing upon it.
3. That they may have children, and those such as may be heirs of salvation, and live in this world to their own and others' good: that they may be comely and well proportioned children: nor idiots in understanding, nor monsters in bodily shape, nor yet lewd and infamous in their lives: which could not but be a grief to their parents, and might also open the mouths of the wicked against them.
4. That God would give them competency of this world's goods, and other good means well to nourish, nurture, and place forth their children: and a sufficiency for the maintenance of their family, and of that estate wherein God sets them.
5. That such needful gifts and graces as are wanting in either of them may be wrought: and such vices and infirmities as they are subject to may be redressed.
These and many other like things give occasion to man and wife in special manner to pray one for another, and one with another.
§. 20. Of husbands and wives' hateful imprecations and wishes one against another.
Contrary to that holy and heavenly duty of prayer are those direful and hellish imprecations and execrations, which ordinarily do pass out of the mouths of many husbands and wives against one another (and that many times for very light occasions) cursing the day that ever they knew one another, and wishing that one of them had been under the ground before they came together. Most odious are these and such like execrations in any man's mouth, but more than most odious in the mouth of man and wife against one another.
Many who for outward shame forbear to belch forth such rotten stinking speech, make small conscience of wishing the like in their hearts. If a husband be any whit harsh, and a wife shrewish: or if through sickness, or any other like occasion they seem burdensome each to other: or if any dislike of one arise in the heart of the other: or if their hearts be set upon others: or if the survivor be to carry away the goods and [reconstructed: lands], their hearts will be filled with a thousand wishes of one another's death. Indeed, many times such as have very good husbands or wives, without any show of reason (only through an inward corruption of their heart, and malicious instigation of Satan, not taking notice of their own good) are ready to wish they were in heaven: making thereby a pretence of their eternal bliss to whom they so wish, whereas indeed their only desire is to be loosed and freed from them. God oft meets with such wicked wishers (whereby he shows how hateful such wishes are to him) for sometimes according to their wish he takes away good husbands and wives from those that are evil: and when they are gone he makes their loss to be so sensibly felt, as those ungodly wishers do, (as we speak) in every vein of their heart repent them of their rash wishes. Indeed, to aggravate their wretchedness the more, he gives them such crabbed and perverse husbands and wives in the room and stead of those good ones (for seldom comes a better) as they are forced with many deep sighs and groans to wish (but all in vain) their former wives and husbands alive again, and so to verify the proverb, A good thing is not so well discerned by enjoying, as by wanting it. Sometimes again God in anger crosses their wishes, and first takes away the wishers of others' death: or else prolongs the life of both to their greater vexation.
§. 21. Of husbands and wives' neglect of mutual prayer.
The very neglect of mutual prayer in husbands and wives for each other is also a sin contrary to the forenamed duty of prayer: of which, if all that are guilty were as well known to man as to God, how many unkind husbands and wives careless of one another's good would be noted, more than are? Rare are those husbands and wives, that have their seasons to pray alone together one with another, if ever they pray one for another. Though in outward compliments they may seem very kind, and in the outward things of this world, very provident, yet if they pray not one for another, they are neither kind, nor provident. Hearty, fervent, frequent prayer is the greatest token of kindness, and best part of providence that can be.
§. 22. Of husbands and wives' mutual care for one another's salvation.
From the general duty of prayer which is profitable to all things, I come to the particular branches of man and wife's mutual provident care: and will first begin with that which is first to be sought, the good of one another's soul: which the Apostle intimates to be a thing to be sought after, where he says, What do you know, O wife, whether you shall SAVE your husband, or what do you know, O man, whether you shall SAVE your wife? Saint Peter enjoins wives to do their endeavor to win their husbands: and Saint Paul sets before husbands the pattern of Christ's love, which had special respect to the soul and the salvation thereof: so as this is a mutual duty appertaining to them both, which Saint Peter further implies where he calls them co-heirs of the grace of life.
It is the greatest good that one can possibly do for another, to be a means of helping forward his salvation. And there is nothing that can more soundly and firmly knit the heart of one to another, than to be a means thereof.
§. 23. Of husbands and wives' care to win one the other, when one of them is not called.
That the salvation of the soul may be the better effected, respect must be had to the present and particular estate of husband or wife. If one be a believer the other not, the believer must use all the means that may be, to draw on the other also to believe. If both be believers, their mutual care must be to edify one another in their most holy faith.
For the first, it is the main drift of Saint Peter's exhortation to believing wives, about their conversation, to draw on their unbelieving husbands to the true faith. His phrase (that they may be won or gained) as in general it has respect to their souls' salvation, so in particular to their first conversion. Now if this duty appertain to a wife, much more to a husband, who is appointed a head to his wife, and a Saviour. To this end does Saint Paul advise believing husbands and wives that are married to unbelievers, to dwell with them.
For what a woeful thing is it, that two which in this world are so nearly linked together as to make one flesh, should in the world to come be so far separated one from another, as heaven is from hell. This indeed shall so fall out in many: for Christ has expressly foretold it, that of two that were [reconstructed: joined] together (who are more fitly set forth under this phrase than man and wife, who most usually are styled bedfellows?) one shall be taken (to mercy and glory) the other shall be forsaken or left to endless and ceaseless torture and torment. But though it be foretold that thus it shall fall out with many a couple, yet our care must be, and that with our uttermost power, to prevent it, as in ourselves, so in our bedfellow.
If it please the Lord to give such a blessing to the endeavor of a husband or wife, as to be a means of the conversion of their bedfellow, then will the party converted both entirely love the other, and also heartily bless God (as there is just cause) that ever they were so nearly linked together.
This duty of winning one another, is to be applied to such as are married not only to plain infidels, but also to Papists or other like idolaters, to atheists, or any other profane persons, to heretics, separatists, schismatics, or any that believe not aright.
§. 24. Of husbands and wives edifying one another.
The second duty tending to the souls' salvation is, that two believers being married together, they endeavor mutually to build up one another more and more. One Christian owes this duty to another: much more man and wife. Take heed (says the Apostle) that no man fall away from the grace of God. If no man, then nor wife nor husband.
A spiritual edifying of one another is the best use which we can make (and ought to make) of those joints and bonds whereby we are knit one to another. By virtue of them the body (namely the mystical body of Christ) receives increase to the edifying of itself, and increases with the increase of God. Now the bond of marriage being of all other the firmest, and that whereby we are nearest knit together, by virtue of what bond should we edify one another, if not by virtue of the marriage bond?
§. 25. Of husbands and wives hindering sin one in another.
Two things are requisite to spiritual edification.
One respects the hindrances of growth in grace.
The other the helps thereof.
The hindrances of grace are all manner of sins. Sin to grace is as water to fire: it slakes the heat of it, and if without [reconstructed: hope] it be poured on it, it will clean put it out. In regard thereof there ought to be a mutual care in husbands and wives, both to prevent sin before it be committed, and also to make what redress they can after it is committed.
That it is a mutual duty for husbands and wives so much as they can, to prevent sin one in another is evident, by that reason which the Apostle uses, to keep them from defrauding one another, in these words, that Satan tempt you not. For out of the scope and matter of those words, this general doctrine may be gathered: husbands and wives ought to be careful to keep one another from the temptations of Satan, that is, from sin, to which all his temptations tend. Rebekah performed the duty of a good wife in keeping Isaac from blessing Esau: which if he had done, he had sinned against God's express word. Though she failed in the manner of doing it, yet her end was good.
As that love they owe one to another, so that care which they ought to have of themselves requires as much, for sin provokes God's wrath, his wrath sends down vengeance, that vengeance which falls on the husband can hardly miss the wife, or that the husband, which falls on the wife; and that by reason of their near union: though it fall not on both their heads, yet it cannot but much affect, and even afflict the party that escapes. The wives of those rebels who were swallowed up alive in the wilderness, perished in like manner with their husbands. For they who are so near as husbands and wives, and do not what they can to prevent one another's sins, make themselves accessory thereto.
For the better effecting of this duty, husbands and wives must be watchful over one another, and observe what sins either of them are given to, or what occasions are offered to draw either of them into sin. If either of them be choleric or prone to be angry on a sudden, the other must endeavor to take away all occasions of offence: and if both should be testy and hasty to wrath, when the one sees the other first moved, the party whose passion is not yet stirred, ought the rather to be settled and composed to all meekness and patience, lest, if both together be provoked, the whole household be set on fire. If either of them be given to drunkenness, covetousness, or any other sin, the other ought by wise and gentle persuasions to keep them (as much as they can) from those sins. Indeed they may also get others, that are discreet and able, to dissuade them: or use what other good means they can to that purpose.
§. 26. Of husbands and wives redressing sin one in another.
When either husband or wife is fallen into any sin, a mutual duty it is for the other, to use what redress may be of that sin: as if one of them were wounded, the other must take care for the healing of that wound. Abigail performed her duty in this kind, when, after she had heard what churlish entertainment her husband gave to David's servants, she hastened to carry store of provision to David, and humbled herself before him, and so moved David to assuage his wrath: indeed she took a seasonable time also to tell her husband his fault, and the danger into which he brought himself thereby.
More directly, and with better success did Jacob redress the superstition, or rather idolatry of his wife Rachel, as may
be gathered by comparing (Genesis 31:19, 34; Genesis 35:2, 4).
A brother at large must not suffer sin to lie on his brother: much less may husband or wife the one upon the other.
You shall not hate your brother (says the law) and suffer sin to lie on him. To do this then is a token and fruit of hatred. If a husband should see his wife, or a wife her husband lying in the fire, or water, ready to be burnt or drowned, and not afford their best help to pull them out, might they not justly be thought to hate them? But sin is as fire and water, which will burn and drown men in perdition.
This duty may be performed by meek instructions, pithy persuasions, gentle reproofs: indeed, and by the help of some good minister, or other discreet and faithful friend.
§. 27. Of husbands and wives helping forward the growth of grace in each other.
Up to this point we have covered preventing, and redressing hindrances of grace. To this must be added a helping forward of the growth thereof: which man and wife must mutually endeavor to effect one in another. The care which Elkanah had to carry his wives along with himself to the Tabernacle of the Lord year by year, shows that his desire was to uphold them in the fear of God: indeed the gifts and portions, which at that time he used to bestow on them, imply the care that he had to encourage them to hold on in serving the Lord. It was without question the main end which the Shunammite aimed at in providing lodging for the Prophet, that both she and her husband might be built up in grace.
This duty may be the better effected by these means following.
1. By taking notice of the beginning, and least measure of grace: and approving the same.
2. By frequent conference about such things as concern the same: mutually propounding questions one to another thereabouts, and answering the same.
3. By their mutual practice and example: making themselves each to other a pattern of piety.
4. By performing exercises of religion, as praying, singing psalms, reading the word, and the like together.
5. By maintaining holy and religious exercises in the family. Though this duty especially appertains to the husband, yet the wife must put her husband in mind thereof, if he forget it; and stir him up, if he be backward: Thus did the good Shunammite (2 Kings 4:9-10). No man's persuasion in this kind, can so much prevail with a man as his wife's.
6. By stirring up one another to go to the house of God, to hear the word, partake of the Sacrament, and conscientiously perform all the parts of God's public worship.
Great need there is, that husbands and wives should endeavor to help forward the growth of grace in each other, because we are all so prone to fall away and wax cold, even as water if the fire go out, and more fuel be not put under. And of all other, husbands and wives may be most helpful herein, because they can soonest espy the beginning of decay by reason of their near, and continual familiarity together.
§. 28. Of the sins of husbands and wives contrary to a mutual care of one another's salvation.
The vices contrary to that general mutual duty of husbands and wives in procuring the salvation of one another, and to the particular branches comprised under it, are many: as
1. A careless neglect thereof: when husbands and wives so mind earthly things, as they think it enough if they be provident one for another in the things of this life. Hereof most that live in this earth are guilty: and among others, even many of them who have the name of very good and kind husbands and wives. But whatever the opinion of others be of them, the truth is, that if they fail in this point, they go no further than the very heathen have done, and their kindness may be as the ape's kindness, which causes death.
2. The unworthy walking, and unchristian carriage of a believer that is married to one that believes not: hereby the unbeliever is kept off from embracing the Gospel, and made the more to dislike and detest it. If a popish or profane husband be married to a wife that makes profession of the truth of the Gospel, and she be stout, proud, wanton, waspish, wasteful, or given to any other like vices, will he not be ready thereupon to inveigh against the religion she professes, and utterly protest against it? So also a popish or profane wife, if she be married to such a husband.
3. Negligence in observing one another's disposition or conversation: whereby it comes to pass that they keep not back, nor restrain one another from running into any sin: but prove such husbands and wives one to another as Eli proved a father to his sons: from where it fell out, that God's severe vengeance fell upon the neck of the one, and of the other. Pilate's wife though a heathenish woman, shall rise up in judgment against many such wives, for she did what she could to keep her husband from shedding innocent blood.
4. A complement, all soothing of one another's humor, and seeking mutually to please one another in all things, without respect of good or evil. Such as these the Scripture terms men-pleasers. Hence it comes to pass that husbands and wives are so far from drawing one another from sin, that the better rather yields to the worse, and both run into evil, as Adam was persuaded by his wife to transgress against God's express charge: and wise Solomon was drawn by his wives to idolatry (1 Kings 11:4), and Sapphira consented to the sacrilege of Ananias her husband (Acts 5:2).
5. An undue fear of offending one another by Christian instruction, admonition, reproof, and the like. Many who are often moved in conscience to make known to their husbands and wives the sins wherein they live, and the danger wherein they lie by reason thereof, do notwithstanding through careless and causeless fear, refrain and forbear to do so.
6. An impious, and envious disposition, whereby many husbands and wives are moved to mock, and scoff at that holy zeal, and forwardness which they observe in their bedfellows: as Michal who likened David to a fool, or vain fellow, because he manifested his zeal by dancing before the Ark. Thus do many nip the work of the Spirit in the very bud, and cause grace soon to wither. But cursed be that husband, or wife, that thus perverts the main end of their near conjunction.
§. 29. Of husbands and wives mutual care over one another's body.
After the good of the soul follows the good of the body, wherein husband and wife must show their provident care each over the other: and do what lies in them to procure the welfare of one another's person, and to nourish and cherish one another's body. This duty the Apostle lays down under the comparison of a body which he calls flesh, saying, No man hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it: now man and wife are one flesh. This duty the Apostle in particular applies to husbands. At the first institution of marriage it was in particular applied to the wife, whom God made to be a helper suited for man: so as it is a mutual duty pertaining to both. It seems that Rebecca was so careful of Isaac in this respect, that she could readily make savory meat for him, such as he loved.
This duty extends itself to all estates both of prosperity and adversity, of health and sickness: for so much do they mutually covenant and promise when they are first joined together in marriage, I take you (says each to the other) for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health to love and to cherish. Therefore they ought mutually both to rejoice in the welfare of one another, and also in all distress to succor and comfort each other, putting their shoulders under one another's burden, and helping to ease one another as much as they can. That which Solomon said of a friend and a brother, may fitly be applied in this case to husband and wife, a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity, that is, a trusty and faithful friend is constant in his goodwill, and ready to perform all duties of kindness at any time, whether it be prosperity or adversity: the change of outward estate makes no alteration in his loving affection and friendly carriage: indeed he seems to be as it were born and brought forth against the time of trouble and affliction, because then is his provident care and tender affection most manifested. Of all friends none ought to be more careful, none more faithful one to another than man and wife. How then ought they to love at all times, and if any trial comes to either of them, the other so to carry himself, as it may be truly said they were joined together for adversity?
Thus shall they verify the truth of that whereby God was moved to create of mankind male and female, namely that it was not good for man to be alone, but that it was rather good, that is, needful, profitable, and comfortable for man and woman to be together. In which respect the wise man says, he that finds a wife finds a good thing; and by the rule of relation we may infer, she that finds a husband finds a good thing.
Section 30. Of husbands and wives' backwardness to help one another in time of need.
Contrary to this duty is a certain unnatural affection in sundry husbands and wives, who much grudge to provide the things that are needful for one another. The man commonly thinks the charge too great, the woman thinks the pains too much: they are affected one to another as if they were mere strangers: no, many strangers will be more ready to perform, and more cheerful in performing needful duties (as occasion is offered) than such unnatural husbands and wives. If a little sickness, or other like cross falls on one of them, the other thinks, never any had such a burden; and by their discontent make the burden much more heavy than otherwise it would be: even as when two oxen are in one yoke, and the one holds back, the pull is made much harder to the other. Thus do they pervert one of the principal ends of marriage, which is to be a continual comfort and help each to other, and to ease the burdens of one another: in which respect they are made yoke-fellows. Job's wife by her unnatural carriage toward him in his affliction did much aggravate his misery: when he stood in most need of her help, she afforded least to him: it appears by Job's complaint of her, in these words, my breath is strange to my wife, that she altogether neglected him in his misery. The common speech of many after their husband or wife having long lain sick is departed, betrays their unnatural affection: their speech is this, if my husband (or wife) had died so much sooner I had saved so much money. What does this imply but that they could have been contented their husband (or wife) should have died sooner that they might have spared the more.
Section 31. Of husbands and wives' mutual respect of one another's good name.
The provident care of husbands and wives ought further to extend itself to the credit and good name of one another. As dear ought the good name of the wife be to the husband, and of the husband to the wife, as their own. The great regard that Joseph had of the credit of Mary his espoused wife, made him think of putting her away privately when he observed her to be with child and knew not of whom: for he was not willing to make her a public example. The same respect moved Bathsheba to send secretly to David, and tell him that she was with child. The commendation which the good husband (noted by Solomon) gives of his wife being approved by the Holy Spirit, shows how man and wife ought in that respect to honor each other: and that on good grounds. For
1. A good name is a most precious thing: better than precious ointment, which gives a sweet savor, and to be chosen above great riches.
2. So nearly are husbands and wives joined together, the good name of the one cannot but tend to the honor and credit of the other; so that in this they seek their own honor also.
Section 32. Of husbands and wives preventing each other's discredit.
For direction in this, consider how this duty may be performed, and how it may be manifested.
For the better performing of it, care must be had both to prevent and redress an ill name, and also to procure and preserve a good name.
To prevent an ill name, respect must be had of these three things following: 1. What one relates of another, and how. 2. What ear they give to things related by others. 3. What censure they give of one another.
For the first, husbands and wives may in no case delight to discover to others, and spread abroad the infirmities, and imperfections of one another, or anything that may tend to the discredit of either of them: but rather cover and conceal them as much as they may with a good conscience. It is expressed that Joseph being a just man labored to conceal that blemish which he imagined to be in his wife, so as this may stand with justice: indeed also it is a part of love, for love covers a multitude of sins.
For the second, husbands and wives must not have their ears wide opened to hear every tale and report that shall be brought to one against the other, but rather show themselves displeased and offended with them that are ready to relate things of evil report. If a husband or wife manifest a willingness to hearken after tales and reports of one another, the devil will stir up instruments enough to fill their heads with tales, and those for the most part both frivolous and forged: not only strangers, but children, servants, and they which are of the same family will ever be telling some tale or other, to curry favor, as we speak. But an utter dislike of such flattering tale-bearers, will take away occasion from them of telling untrue, or slight reports.
For the third, the judgment and censure which husbands and wives give one of another must either be very charitable, or very sparing. If one hears reported any notorious crime of the other, they may not be over-hasty to judge and condemn, no though they think they see some evidence thereof, but rather suspend their judgment. This seemed to be the mind of Joseph: though he observed Mary to be with child, yet would he not immediately judge her to be a notorious adulteress, or condemn her for a hypocrite, unworthy to live, and therefore would not make her a public example.
In brief, that husbands and wives may be the more sparing in censuring one another, they must not rashly believe any evil report of one another, but rather suppress all light suspicions as much as they can.
That the judgment which they give one of another, may be charitable, in judging they must well observe the properties of love, which are 1. To interpret doubtful things in the better part. 2. To mitigate, so far as truth and justice will allow, the faults which are evident. Michal offended against the first in a high degree, and was cursed. Abigail observed the latter, and was blessed.
§. 33. Of the wisdom of husbands and wives, in redressing one another's ill name.
To redress an ill name, husbands and wives must first give one another notice of the report that goes of them, and endeavor to work in them both a sight, and also a sense of those evils which are in the mouths of others: after notice given, they must labor to bring them to repentance of those sins, for which they are ill reported of, and to a manifestation of repentance, by doing things meet for repentance, which is by a zealous and conscientious practice of such virtues as are clean contrary to the vices for which they were evil spoken of. It may with good probability be gathered out of the history of the Levite, whose wife played the whore, that thus he dealt with her. And thus Abigail endeavored to deal with her husband.
§. 34. Of husbands and wives' care in procuring one another's good name.
To procure a good report, husbands and wives must first, take notice of the good qualities which are in one another, and as one has occasion to speak of the other, to make those good qualities the subject of their speech: as we heard it before commended in the husband of that wife which is described by Solomon.
Secondly, they must lend a willing and joyful ear to such as shall (so far as they can conceive) truly and unfeignedly, without flattery or hypocrisy, speak anything in commendation of the one or of the other: not thinking themselves dispraised (which is the conceit of many) when their bed-fellow is praised: but rather having their hearts the more enlarged to praise God, for bestowing on them such an excellent token and pledge of his favor.
Thirdly, they must imitate those good things which they behold, or hear to be in one another, and so imitate them as they which have before time known both husband and wife, may say, this she learned of him, or this he learned of her.
§. 35. Of husbands and wives' wisdom, in preserving each other's good name.
To preserve a good name, it will be meet for a husband or wife, wisely and seasonably to give one another notice of that good fame which is raised of them, thereby to provoke them both to give glory to God for the same (as the Apostle thanks God for that report which was spread abroad of the faith and love of the Colossians (Colossians 1:3-4)) and also to walk worthy of that good report (as the Apostle who had given a great testimony of the bounty of the Corinthians, earnestly exhorts them to finish their benevolence, lest (says he) I should be ashamed in this my constant boasting (2 Corinthians 9:4)). For if they of whom there is once a good report raised, decay, wax cold, grow backward, or fall into notorious and scandalous sins, they will clean extinguish and put out their good name among men, and turn it into an evil report, according to that which Solomon says, Dead flies cause the ointment of the apothecary to send forth a stinking savor: so does a little folly him that is in reputation for wisdom and honor (Ecclesiastes 10:1).
§. 36. Of husbands and wives' like affection towards one another's credit.
In the last place, to manifest a mutual provident care of one another's good name, husbands and wives must be so affected with the report that goes of either of them, as if the report were of their own selves. If the report be good, to be glad thereof, and to rejoice thereat; if it be evil, to be grieved, and after a holy manner vexed at it: thus shall they show a true sympathy and fellow feeling of one another's credit, according to that general rule of the Apostle, Rejoice with them that rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
§. 37. Of the vices contrary to that mutual care, which man and wife should have of one another's credit.
Vices contrary to these duties concerning the good name of a husband and wife, are in general two.
One is a readiness to disgrace and discredit one another, like Michal the wife of David, of whom we heard before. A hateful and detestable vice this is, which cannot stand with true matrimonial love, but rather argues an utter dislike, and a plain hatred of one another.
Husbands and wives discredit one another, either by procuring an ill name, or hindering a good name.
An ill name is procured by these means following.
1. By blazing abroad one another's infirmities: as when tattling gossips meet, their usual [reconstructed: practice] is about their husbands, complaining of some vice or other in them: My husband, says one, is covetous: I cannot get of him anything almost: he makes me go as nobody goes. And my husband, replies another, is so furious as none can tell how to speak to him: so one after another goes on in this track, some discovering such infirmities as should be concealed; others (which is worse) plainly belying their husbands. In like manner also husbands when they meet with their close companions, make their wives the common subject of all their talk: one accusing his wife of one vice; another his, of another. There are two respects for which this vice (most detestable in itself) is made more odious in a husband or a wife. 1. Because they know more than any other of one another's infirmities: so as if they be so evilly minded, they may much more discredit one another, than any other can. 2. Because in regard of their near union they are most bound to conceal and cover each other's imperfections. Ham was cursed for revealing his father's nakedness, but a more horrible curse do husbands and wives deserve, that so do.
2. By opening their ears, and giving credit to every light report that any shall raise. More secret heart-burning of one against the other, and more open quarrels and contentions between them, ordinarily arise from this than from anything else.
3. By perverting and misinterpreting one another's actions, words, indeed and thoughts also: taking everything in the worst part.
4. By concealing from one another the common evil rumors which are raised of them, and are in every man's mouth: of all others, bedfellows are most fit to disclose such things one to another, and most bound to do it. Most fit, because of their mutual familiarity: most bound, because of their near union.
Many husbands and wives do hinder one another's good name by envying one at the good report that is made of the other, and gainsaying the same: as if the credit of the one must necessarily turn to the discredit of the other. Thus as water quenches hot iron, so this envious disposition is a means to extinguish the heat of fame, and to put out the glorious light of a good name. Whereby as they impair the credit and honor of one another, so they monstrously discredit and dishonor themselves.
The other general vice in this kind, is a careless regard, or plain neglect of one another's fame: when the husband is no way affected with any report that goes of his wife, nor the wife with any of the husband: but as if they were mere strangers one to another, they pass by all reports made of one another. What mutual love can there be in such? However their hands have been joined together, surely their hearts were never united, so as it had been better they had never known one another, unless the Lord do afterwards knit their hearts, and unite their affections more nearly and firmly together.
§. 38. Of husbands and wives' mutual providence about the goods of the family.
Yet there remains one thing more, about which husbands and wives ought to manifest a mutual provident care each over other: and that is about the goods of this world. However the husband, while he lives with his wife, has the truest property in them, and the greatest title to them, yet I refer this to those mutual duties which man and wife owe each to other, in three respects.
First, because in conscience they appertain to the use of the wife, as well as of the husband.
Secondly, because the wife is by God's providence appointed a joint governor with the husband of the family, and in that respect ought to be a help in providing such a sufficiency of the goods of this world, as are needful for that estate wherein God has set them, and for that charge which God has committed to them.
Thirdly, because the wife, if she survive the husband, ought to have such a portion of those goods, as are meet for her place and charge.
In these respects we see it requisite, indeed a bounden duty, that husband and wife, even in a mutual regard one of another, be as provident as they can be with a good conscience in getting, keeping, and disposing competent goods and riches for the mutual good one of another. Concerning the husband's duty in this respect no question is made: the practice of all good husbands mentioned in Scripture, the care of providing for their own enjoined to them, their place and office to be their wives' head, with many other like arguments, of which we shall more distinctly speak, when we come to declare the particular duties of husbands, do prove as much. The greatest question is concerning the wife, whether she be bound to take any care about the goods. But if the Scripture be [reconstructed: thoroughly] searched, we shall find proof enough to show that even [reconstructed: she] also is bound to this. For first, the general end which God aimed at in making the woman (namely to be a [reconstructed: help to] man) implies as much: for in this she may be a very great help, as we shall see by and by in sundry particulars. 2. That general property attributed to a wife to be a good thing, confirms as much: for that which is profitable is called good: and it is one respect in which a wife is termed a good thing, that she may by her providence and diligence bring much profit to her husband: and therefore in this, among other respects, the good wife which Solomon describes, is said to do good to her husband all the days of her life: for by her industry and providence she did so preserve and increase his goods, that the heart of her husband trusted in her, and he had no need of spoil. If the particular actions by which that good wife is described be well noted, we may easily observe that she was an especial help to her husband, even in his outward estate. From all which, we may infer these two points. First, that this provident care about outward temporal goods is lawful, not unbecoming a Christian man or woman. Secondly, that it is a mutual duty appertaining both to husband and wife.
For the first, how needful the goods of this world are for preservation of life and health, estate of the family, good of Church and Commonwealth, relief of the poor, with the like uses, no man can be ignorant. God has given them as blessings to his children, and that often times in great abundance; and his children have accordingly been thankful for them: so as a provident care about them is not unlawful, but very expedient and needful.
For the second, if there should not be a joint care herein, the care and pains of the one might be altogether in vain. For suppose a husband be industrious, as Jacob was, and get much abroad, if the wife either by her unthriftiness, idleness, negligence, or the like vices, suffer that which is brought home to be embezzled and wasted; or by her prodigality, showy dress, or love of vain company, consume it herself, where will be the profit of the husband's pains? Or on the other side, if a wife should be as diligent and prosperous in getting, as the good housewife before mentioned was, and the husband by carding, dicing, drinking, reveling, or other like means should waste all away, what fruit would remain of the wife's providence? In this mutual provident care of husband and wife, each of them must have an eye to their own place: affairs abroad do most appertain to the man, and are especially to be ordered by him: that which the wife is especially to care for, is the business of the house: for the Apostle lays it down as a rule for wives (as we shall hereafter more particularly declare) that they keep at home, and govern the house. By this means may they be very profitable each to other.
§. 39. Of the vices contrary to the good providence of husband and wife, about the goods of the family.
Contrary to that duty, are these vices following.
1. Covetousness, and overmuch care for themselves: as when a husband so rakes, and scrapes, and hoards up for himself, as he neither affords to his wife so much as is meet for her place while he lives with her, nor thinks of providing sufficient maintenance for her, if she outlive him, but rather thinks how to defraud her of that which the law casts upon her. Or when a wife secretly hoards up whatever she can get, either by her own industry, or else by purloining from her husband: sometimes selling corn, wares, household stuff, or other like commodities, so privately as the husband shall never know it: sometimes taking money out of his counter, box, bag, chest, or the like, so as either it shall not be missed, or if it be, it shall not be known who had it. Many there be who in mistrust of their husband's providence, or in dislike of them, or on some other by-respects, commit whatever they can get to the trust and custody of others, whereby it oft comes to pass, that they themselves, meeting with deceitful friends, are utterly defeated, even because they dare not make their fraud known. As covetousness is in itself an odious sin; so it is made much more heinous by defrauding husband or wife, who ought to be as dear each to other as themselves.
2. Prodigality, and too lavish spending upon themselves, and those things which are most agreeable to their own corrupt humor: as when husbands without any mean or measure, spend their goods abroad in hunting, hawking, carding, dicing, eating, drinking, or the like, and suffer their wives to want at home, and yet took their wives to maintain them, and therefore had their portion. Or when wives bring their husbands into debt, and weaken, if not clean overthrow their estate, by gorgeous decking and adorning their houses, by fine and costly apparel, by dainty fare, by gossiping abroad, with the like. Many wives are so violent herein, that if their desire and humor be not satisfied, their husbands shall have no rest (forsooth they brought a portion, and maintained they must and will be; it matters not whether their husband's estate can bear it or no) in so much as many are forced knowingly, for quietness sake, to suffer their estate to sink. O foolish and wretched wives! how little do they consider that they were married to do their husband's good, and not evil all the days of their life? Is this to be a help to man? Or rather is it not clean to thwart God's counsel, and pervert his purpose? Can we think that God will forbear, and not be avenged of them? Yet much more will God be avenged of the forenamed husbands, because of that image of himself which he has placed in them, and because of that place and authority wherein he has set them. The Apostle expressly says of them, that they are worse than infidels, which being so, they must look for the greater judgment.
3. Idleness, and a careless neglect of their estate. Many men spend day after day, like a bird that flies up and down, as it falls out, from tree to tree, from twig to twig: they go from place to place, but know not for what end: as they meet with any company, so they abide as long as the company tarries, and then seek after other company, and are ready to go with any to alehouse, tavern, playhouse, bowling alley, or other like places. Many women also spend all the morning lying in bed and dressing themselves, and the afternoon as occasion is offered in sitting idly at home, or walking forth to little purpose, but only to wear out time, little regarding their husband's estate, whether it increase, or diminish. Thus by the idleness and carelessness of husband and wife, come fair estates many times to ruin, and both of them brought to penury and beggary.
§. 40. Of husbands and wives' joint care in governing the family.
Hitherto I have delivered such common duties as mutually respect the husband and wife, and are to be performed of each to other. There are other common duties which they are both jointly bound to perform to other persons: and those either members of the family, or strangers coming to the family.
Concerning the members of the family, though there be some peculiar duties belonging to the master, and some to the mistress, some to the father, and some to the mother, of which we shall speak in their due place; yet in general the government of the family, and the several members thereof belongs to the husband and wife both (if at least they have a family) and a joint common duty it is to be helpful one to another therein.
Objection. Seeing it is not necessarily required, that a husband and wife should have a family to govern, for two may be married and have neither children nor servants (as many are) and yet be true husband and wife; why is this care of a family ranked among the duties of husband and wife?
Answer. 1. Because ordinarily when two are married they gather a family, and are the governors thereof: so as though it fail in some particulars, yet for the most part it holds.
2. Because the joint government of which I speak in this place is by virtue of the marriage-bond: for if a man and a woman should live together in a house, and by mutual consent have a joint authority and government, this would be very offensive to all that should know it, or hear of it: neither were they by any ordinance of God bound to be so helpful one to another as husband and wife: nor the members of a family so bound to subject themselves to both.
3. The duty of which I speak, though it be about the government of a family, yet has it respect to a husband as he is a husband, and to a wife as she is a wife; namely, that by virtue of their marriage-bond, and near union, they be helpful one to another in well-ordering the things of the family.
Whether the man ought to look to the good government of his house is a question without all question. He is the highest in the family, and has both authority over all, and the charge of all is committed to his charge: he is as a king in his own house: as a king is to see that land well governed where he is king, so he that is the chief ruler in a house. The duty which the Apostle applies in particular to Bishops and Deacons, in general appertains to all husbands, that they rule their own house honestly: and again, that they be such as can rule their children well, and their own households. The care of many husbands is in this respect commended in Scripture, as of Abram, of Jacob, of Joshua, of David, the Ruler at Galilee (Joshua 4:15), and of many other (Psalm 101:2, etc.). That the wife also ought to be a help to him therein, is very evident: for the Apostle lays it expressly to their charge, that they govern the house (1 Timothy 5:14): would the Wise man have so highly commended a wife for well governing her husband's house if it had not appertained to her (Proverbs 31:11, etc.)? It is very likely that wise Abigail had a great hand in governing Nabal's house, because the servants made complaint to her of Nabal's churlishness, and because she had the servants at command, readily to do what she would have them; indeed also, because she could so readily prepare such store of provision for David and his men, as she did. Hence is it that the wife is called mistress of the house, as well as the husband master of the house.
Objection. A woman is not to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man (1 Timothy 2:12).
Answer. 1. That branch of teaching has respect to public assemblies, and churches, in which she may not teach: but not to private families, in which she may, and ought to teach: for Bathsheba taught Solomon (Proverbs 31:4). When Apollos was brought to the house of Aquila, Priscilla the wife of Aquila did help to expound to Apollos the way of God more perfectly (Acts 18:26).
2. The other branch concerning authority, has not reference to the inferior members in the family, over which the wife of a household governor has authority, but only to the husband, over whom if she take any authority, she usurps it. Therefore neither this place of Scripture, nor any other does exclude the wife, being jointly considered with the husband, to rule and govern those in the family which are under them both.
2. Objection. This joint government of the wife does much impair the dignity and authority of the husband.
Answer. Nothing less: for she is subordinate to her husband, and must so rule others as she be subject to her husband, and not command anything against his command, (provided that his command be not against the Lord, and his word.) We see that in all estates the king or highest governor has other magistrates under him, who have a command over the subjects, and yet thereby the king's supreme authority is no whit impaired, but rather the better established, and he the more honored. So is it in a family.
Let therefore husbands and wives herein assist one another, for so they may be very helpful one to another, and bring, by their mutual help in governing, much good to the family. The husband by his help aiding his wife, adds much authority to her, and so causes that she is not despised, nor lightly esteemed. The wife by her help causes many things to be noticed, and so redressed, which otherwise might never have been found out: for two eyes see more than one, especially when one of those is more at hand, and in presence, as the wife is in the house.
Besides there are many things in well governing a family more fit for one to meddle with than for the other: as for the husband to meddle with the great and weighty affairs of the family (as performing God's worship, appointing and settling good orders, providing convenient house-room, and other necessities for the family: keeping children when they grow great, or wax stubborn, in awe: ruling men servants, with the like) and for the wife to meddle with some lesser, but very needful matters, as nourishing and instructing children when they are young, adorning the house, ordering the provision brought into the house, ruling maid servants, with the like. Indeed further, as the man especially is to perform the very actions of prayer, reading the word, catechizing, and other like duties in the family, so the wife may be a great help in putting her husband in mind both of the duty itself, and of the time of performing it, and encouraging him to do it, in gathering the family together, and exhorting them to be forward, in making herself an example to the rest by her diligent and reverent attention, in often urging and pressing to her children and servants such points of instruction as her husband has taught; indeed, in praying, reading, teaching, and performing like exercises herself, so far as she is able, when her husband is absent, or negligent and careless, and will not himself do them; or it may be, is not able to do them: or if she perform them not herself, in getting some other to perform them.
§. 41. Of the vices contrary to a joint care of governing the family.
The mind and practice of many, both husbands and wives, is contrary to this duty.
Many a husband, because the wife's office is especially to abide at home, will put off all government to the wife: leaving it to her not only to order the things in the house, but also to bring in all needful things, to order and govern the children both young and old, yes even to provide for them also, to take in, to put out, to use all sorts of servants as pleases her. Yes, if servants shall be stubborn and stout against her, he will take no notice of it, nor endure to be told of it, much less afford her his assistance, but suffer her to be disgraced and despised. As for religious duties, he will no way meddle with them. Oh base-minded men, unworthy to be husbands and heads of wives! Shall your wives, who were made to be a help to you, have no help from you, [reconstructed: do] not in those things which especially belong to your charge? Shall the weaker vessels bear all the burden? Assuredly as the man carries away the greatest reputation and honor when a family is well governed (though it be by the joint care and wisdom of his wife), so lies he most open to the judgment of God if the government thereof be neglected, and through the neglect thereof, children and servants grow impious: instance Eli, and David. For as in a commonwealth, the greatest honor of good government, victorious battles, happy peace, and prosperity, and the greatest dishonor and damage of the contrary, redounds to the king, so to the man who is chief governor in a family: for it is presupposed, that all which do any good are instruments of the highest governor: if any evil or mischief fall out, that it is through his negligence.
On the other side, because the husband is the most principal, many wives think that the government of the family pertains nothing at all to them, and thereupon are careless of the good thereof, and will not stir their least finger to order any thing aright: but, if any thing be amiss, lay all the blame on their husbands. Do not such pervert that main end for which God made them, even to be a help? Do they not carry themselves most unworthy of the place wherein God has set them, namely to be joint-governors with their husbands, and partakers of their dignities? As by their negligence they make themselves accessory to all the evil which falls out in the family, so assuredly shall they have their part in those judgments which are executed on the head thereof.
Most contrary to the forenamed duty is the practice of such as are hindrances one to another in governing the family: as when wives are not only negligent themselves in coming to religious exercises, but keep back children and servants, and so are a great grief to their religious husbands: or when they use any of the children or servants to be instruments of iniquity; or are themselves disquiet and troublesome in the house, like to her of whom Solomon speaks in this proverb, It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a contentious woman in a wide house.
Husbands also are often a hindrance to that good government which their wives would help forward, when they scoff and scorn at that good counsel which their wives give them for that purpose, or when they will not suffer their wives to meddle with any thing at all, nor endure that they should find any fault, much less take in hand to redress any thing that is amiss. These and such like perverse dispositions are in husbands and wives, whereby it comes to pass that they who were joined together to be a mutual help each to other, prove heavy, yes intolerable burdens.
§. 42. Of husbands and wives mutual help in hospitality.
The next common duty of husband and wife respects such as come to their house, but are no particular members thereof, whether they be kindred, alliance, acquaintance, or strangers, especially if they be Saints, to whom hospitality, that is, a kind and courteous entertainment, is due. Herein therefore must husbands and wives be helpful one to another: for as it is required of husbands, so also of wives to be hospitable, namely while they are married, together with their husbands, and when they are widows, of themselves. Abraham and Sarah were herein a help one to another, when the three Angels in shapes of men came to their house: so were the Shunemite and her husband when Elisha the Prophet came to their house.
For hospitality, that it is a commendable duty belonging to such as are house-keepers and able to give entertainment, is evident by the precepts and examples before specified, as also by the blessing which God thereupon has brought to the houses of them that were given to it, which the Apostle intimates in these words, thereby some have entertained Angels unawares. Now therefore husbands and wives being (as we have heard) joint governors, as in other things, so in this they ought to lend a helping hand each to other, and that for these reasons.
1. Because in giving entertainment there are various things to be done, whereof some are proper to the husband's place, and some to the wife's. To take order for the provision of things outside doors is more fit for the husband, Abraham did it: to order the smaller things within doors is more fit for the wife; that was left to Sarah.
2. Because it is fitting that guests should know they are welcome both to the husband and to the wife, that so they may be the more cheerful.
3. Because a mutual consent, and cheerful help herein will be an especial means, as to manifest their mutual affection, so to hold the hearts of man and wife firm and close together, and make them the better like and love one the other: especially if the husband shall show himself as ready and willing to entertain his wife's friends and kindred as his own, and so the wife her husband's (as they ought.) For as they themselves are made one flesh, so ought each of them to esteem of the other's friends as of their own.
4. Because thus they show a mutual desire of bringing God's blessing on each other, and upon their whole family.
§. 43. Of vices contrary to mutual help in hospitality.
Contrary to this duty is for the most part covetousness in the husband, and laziness in the wife. The man, because the charge of the family lies on him, distrustfully fears lest he should want for his own.
I deny not but that a provident care for our own, and namely for them of the family, is needful and commendable; he that provides not for them is worse than an infidel: so as a man may be overlavish in giving entertainment, if he go beyond his means, impoverish his estate, and disable himself to provide for his own, as many do: yet when a man has sufficient, yes and abundance, when there is no just cause, but merely upon an undue fear, too carkingly and distrustfully to pinch, and grudge to give entertainment to any, is unbeseeming a Christian, yes also to be worse than an infidel; not worthy to have a house, or anything fit for entertainment; nor worthy of common society.
The woman on the other side grudges at the pains she must take, and trouble she must undergo about entertaining guests, and thereupon is loath that any at any time should come to their house.
Concerning a wife, I deny not but that a husband may be in this kind overburdening to her, by being too jovial, as they speak, and bringing guests too often into the house, especially if they be guests of no good name; and by that means make her even weary of her life: but yet for a wife to refuse all pains in that kind, and to be discontented when her husband invites any friends, or when any come (as the three angels did to Abraham) unawares, argues not a loving affection, nor a wifelike subjection to her husband, to be in her.
These faults are so much the greater when the husband, or wife, are free and forward in entertaining their own kindred and friends: but are backward, and grudge at the entertainment of each other's friends and kindred. Hence commonly arises much heartburn of one against the other: yes, much jar and contention between them: and from dislike of the practice of one another in this kind, there often follows a dislike of one another's person: so that as the fault is bad in itself, it proves to be much worse in the mischiefs that follow upon it.
Section 44. Of husbands and wives' mutual help in relieving the poor.
The last common and joint duty wherein husband and wife ought to be helpful each to other, respects those that are without the house, namely the poor, and such as stand in need of their help, who are to be relieved and succored. Because man and wife usually eat together, and are joint partakers of God's good creatures, they must put one another in mind of that precept of charity which was given to the Jews when they were at their meals, send part to them for whom none is provided. The good wife which is set forth by the Holy Spirit for a pattern and example to others to follow, together with her husband, are noted to be helpful one to another in this duty: for she is said to stretch out her hand to the poor, and to the needy: and he is said to praise her, thereby encouraging her to hold on in doing those good things which she did. What liberty the wife has, or how far she may be restrained in case her husband utterly refuses to give consent, we shall hereafter declare in the particular duties of wives: the point here noted is, that both the husband himself must according to his ability be bountiful to the poor, and allow his wife, yes, provoke her so to be, and withal allow her the means to be bountiful: and that the wife also must stir up her husband to liberality in this respect, and herself open her hand to the poor in the things which lawfully she may give.
There is nothing whereby a man or wife can bring more profit to the house, than by giving to the poor: that which is given to the poor is lent to the Lord, and he will repay it with great increase: it is as seed, which being liberally sown, will bring forth a plentiful harvest: yes, it is a means to make us friends, to speak a good word for us at the bar of Christ's judgment seat: and it brings not only the blessing of men, but of God also, even the greatest blessing of all, the blessing of eternal life: for it is a sacrifice with which God is well pleased. The Apostle notes this to be one of Christ's oracles, which by word of mouth he left to his disciples: It is more blessed to give than to receive.
Besides, husbands and wives in distributing alms, may receive good direction one from another: the husband by telling the wife who are fit to be relieved (for commonly husbands better know those which are abroad out of the family) the wife by telling the husband what things are fittest to be given away: for wives commonly know of what things there is greatest store, and what may in the house be best spared.
Section 45. Of husbands and wives' unmercifulness to the poor.
Contrary is the unmercifulness of many husbands, who are not only hard-hearted themselves (never giving anything unless by the law of the land they be forced, and then they part with that which is given, so grudgingly, as it is nothing at all acceptable to God — for God loves a cheerful giver) but also tie their wives' hands, and allow them to give nothing. Wherein they bring both the cry of the poor, and also the groans and grief of a merciful wife who is thus restrained, upon their own necks, and aggravate their sin in a high degree.
On the other side, the unmercifulness of many wives is also contrary to the aforementioned duty: for there are many, who though they have liberty to give of the common goods, and also allowance of their own out of which they may give, yet covetously hoard up all they can get, give not a penny's worth, but rather allow victuals and other things to perish in the house, and when they are naught fling them away, rather than that anything while it is good should be given out of the house. Shall not the creatures which are spoiled in a house, and the poor that have wanted, make a loud cry in the ears of the Lord against them? Yes, further, many wives are grieved at their husbands' bounty, and still moving him to shut his hand, and give no more. Are they not plain devils herein, opposing against that which is good?