Treatise 4: Husbands' Particular Duties

§. 1. Of the General Heads of this Treatise.

Ephesians 5:25, &c. Husbands love your own wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, &c.

As the wife is to know her duty, so the husband much more his, because he is to be a guide, and good example to his wife, he is to dwell with her according to knowledge (1 Peter 3:7) the more eminent his place is, the more knowledge he ought to have how to walk worthy thereof. Neglect of duty in him is more dishonorable to God, because by virtue of his place he is the [reconstructed: image] and glory of God, and more pernicious not to his wife only, but also to the whole family, because of that power and authority he has, which he may abuse to the maintenance of his wickedness, having in the house no superior power to restrain his fury: whereas the wife, though never so wicked, may by the power of her husband be kept under, and restrained from outrage.

Therefore to go on in order, in laying down the husband's duties (as we have the wife's) we are to consider, 1. The duties themselves. 2. The reasons to enforce them.

In setting down the duties we must note 1. The matter wherein they consist. 2. The manner how they are to be performed.

The Apostle comprises the whole matter of them all under love, which is the sum and head of all.

This we will first handle: and then proceed to other particulars.

§. 2. Of that love which husbands owe their wives.

This head of all the rest, love, is expressly set down, and alone mentioned in this, and in many other places of Scripture, whereby it is evident, that all other duties are comprised under it.

To omit other places, where this duty is urged in this place, love is four times by name expressed, beside that it is intimated under many other terms and phrases (Ephesians 5:25, 28, 33).

Whoever therefore takes a wife, must, in this respect that she is his wife, love her: as it is noted of Isaac (the best pattern of husbands noted in the Scripture) he took Rebekah, she was his wife and he loved her (Genesis 24:67).

Many good reasons thereof may be rendered.

1. Because no duty on the husband's part can be rightly performed except it be seasoned with love. The Apostle exhorts all Christians to do all their things in love: much more ought husbands: though in place they be above their wives, yet love may not be forgotten (1 Corinthians 16:14).

2. Because of all persons on earth a wife is the most proper object of love: no friend, nor child, nor parent ought so to be loved as a wife: she is termed, the wife of his bosom, to show that she ought to be as his heart in his bosom (Deuteronomy 13:6).

3. Because his place of eminence, and power of authority may soon puff him up, and make him insult over his wife, and trample her under his feet, if an entire love of her be not planted in his heart. To keep him from abusing his authority is love so much pressed upon him.

4. Because wives through the weakness of their sex (for they are the weaker vessels) are much prone to provoke their husbands. So as if there be not love predominant in the husband, there is likely to be but little peace between man and wife. Love covers a multitude of imperfections.

5. Because as Christ by his love first manifested provokes the Church to love him, so a husband by loving his wife should provoke her to love him again: showing himself like the Sun which is the fountain of light, and from which the Moon receives what light she has: so he should be the fountain of love to his wife.

Object. Love was before laid down as a common duty pertaining both to man and wife: how is it then here required as a particular and peculiar duty of a husband?

Answer. In regard of the general extent of love it is indeed a common duty belonging to the one as well as to the other, yea belonging to all Christians, to all men: for it is the very nature of love, and an especial property thereof, to seek not her own things, but the good of others, which all are bound to do by virtue of the bond of nature; more than others, Christians by virtue of the bond of the spirit: among Christians, especially wives and husbands by virtue of the matrimonial bond: of married couples, most of all husbands by virtue of their place and charge. Their place is a place of authority, which without love will soon turn into tyranny. Their charge is especially and above all, to seek the good of their wives: as wives are the chief and greatest charge of husbands, so their chief and greatest care must be for them: the parents and friends of wives as they give over all their authority to their husbands, so they cast all care upon them: therefore that husbands may take the more care of their wives, and the better seek their good, they ought after a peculiar manner to love them. Husbands are most of all bound to love: and bound to love their wives most of all (1 Corinthians 13:5).

Thus this affection of love is a distinct duty in itself, peculiarly pertaining to a husband: and also a common condition which must be annexed to every other duty of a husband, to season and sweeten the same. His look, his speech, his carriage, and all his actions, wherein he has to do with his wife, must be seasoned with love: love must show itself in his commandments, in his reproofs, in his instructions, in his admonitions, in his authority, in his familiarity, when they are alone together, when they are in company before others, in civil affairs, in religious matters, at all times, in all things: as salt must be first and last upon the table, and eaten with every bit of meat, so must love be first in a husband's heart, and last out of it, and mixed with every thing wherein he has to do with his wife.

§. 3. Of a husband's hatred and want of love.

Contrary to this is hatred of heart: which vice as it is very odious and detestable in itself, so much more when the wife is made the object thereof. As love provokes a husband to do his wife what good he can, so hatred, to do her what mischief he can. Moses notes a man's hatred of his wife to be a cause of much mischief: for the nearer, and dearer any persons be, the more violent will that hatred be which is fastened on them (Deuteronomy 22:13, &c.).

Hence was it that a divorce was suffered to be made between a man and his wife, in case he hated her: which law questionless was made for relief of the wife, lest the hatred which her husband conceived against her should work her some mischief, if he were forced to keep her as his wife: which Christ seems to imply in these words, Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, suffered you to put away your wives (Matthew 19:8). This therefore being so pestilent a poison, let husbands take heed how they suffer it to soak into them.

Neither is it sufficient for a husband not to hate his wife, for even the want of love, though it be only a privation, yet is it a great vice, and contrary also to the forenamed duty of love. Where this want of love is, there can be no duty well performed, even as when the great wheel of a clock, the first mover of all the rest, is out of frame, never a wheel can be in good order. They that think lightly hereof, plainly discover that there is little or no love of God in them at all: for if the Apostle's inference be good, taken from a man's neighbor or brother whom he has seen, it will much more be good having relation to a wife: for how can he who does not love his wife, (whom God has given to him as a token of his favor, and as a help meet for him, to be in his bosom, and ever in his sight, yes to be no more two, but one flesh) love God whom he has not seen (1 John 4:20)? If any man says he loves God, and hates his wife, he is a liar. Let husbands therefore by loving their wives give evidence that they love God.

§. 4. Of a husband's wise maintaining his authority.

All the branches which grow out of this root of love, as they have respect to husbands' duties, may be drawn to two heads: 1. A wise maintaining of his authority. 2. A right managing of the same.

That these two are branches of a husband's love, is evident by the place wherein God has set him, which is a place of authority; for the best good that any can do, and so the best fruits of love which he can show forth to any, are such as are done in his own proper place, and by virtue thereof. If then a husband relinquish his authority, he disables himself from doing that good, and showing those fruits of love which otherwise he might. If he abuses his authority, he turns the edge and point of his sword amiss: instead of holding it over his wife for her protection, he turns it into her bowels to her destruction, and so manifests thereby more hatred than love.

Now then to handle these two severally, and distinctly:

1. That a husband ought wisely to maintain his authority, is implied under this Apostolic precept, Husbands dwell with your wives according to knowledge, that is, as such as are well able to maintain the honor of that place wherein God has set you: not as sots and fools without understanding (1 Peter 3:7). The same is also implied under the titles of preeminence which the Scripture attributes to husbands, as Lord, Master, head, guide, image and glory of God, etc.

The honor and authority of God, and of his Son Christ Jesus, is maintained in and by the honor and authority of a husband, as the King's authority is maintained by the authority of his Privy Council and other Magistrates under him; yes, as a husband's authority is in the family maintained by the authority of his wife: (for as the man is the glory of God, so the woman is the glory of the man (1 Corinthians 11:7).)

The good of the wife herself is thus also much promoted, even as the good of the body is helped forward by the head's abiding in his place; should the head be put under any of the parts of the body, the body and all the parts thereof could not but receive much damage thereby: even so the wife and whole family would feel the damage of the husband's loss of his authority.

1. Question: Is it in the power of the husband to maintain his own authority?

Answer: Indeed, in his more than in any others: for note the counsel of the Apostle to Timothy, (though in another case, yet very pertinent to this purpose) Let no man despise your youth. It was therefore in Timothy's power to maintain his honor, and not to suffer it to be despised; and so is it in a husband's power (1 Timothy 4:12).

2. Question: How may a husband best maintain his authority?

Answer: That direction which the Apostle gives to Timothy to maintain his authority, may fitly be applied for this purpose to a husband; Be an example in conversation, in love, in spirit, in faith, and in pureness: as if he had said, If you walk before them worthy of your place and calling, and worthy of that honor and respect which is due thereunto, showing forth the fruits of love, faith, and other like graces, assuredly they will reverence your youth; but if otherwise you carry yourself basely, and not befitting a minister, you give them just occasion to despise you. Even thus may husbands best maintain their authority by being an example in love, gravity, piety, honesty, etc. The fruits of these and other like graces showed forth by husbands before their wives and family, cannot but work a reverent and dutiful respect in their wives and whole house towards them: for by this means they shall more clearly discern the image of God shine forth in their faces.

Object: Very goodness and grace itself is hated of wicked and ungodly wives: it was an act of piety that made Michal despise David.

Answer 1: Grant it to be so: yet this may be a good direction for such husbands as have not such wicked wives.

2. This does not always so fall out, no, nor yet for the most part in those that are wicked; true virtue and integrity does often cause admiration in such as love it not.

3. Though some be of so crooked and perverse a disposition as to take occasion of contempt, where none is given, yet shall that husband justify himself before God and man, that carries himself worthy of his place.

§. 5. Of husbands losing their authority.

Contrary is their practice who by their profaneness, riotousness, drunkenness, lewdness, lightness, unthriftiness, and other like base carriage, make themselves contemptible, and so lose their authority: though a wife ought not to take these occasions to despise her husband, yet is it a just judgment on him to be despised, seeing he makes himself contemptible.

Contrary also to the forenamed directions is the stern, rough, and cruel carriage of husbands, who by violence and tyranny go about to maintain their authority. Force may indeed cause fear, but a slavish fear, such a fear as breeds more hatred than love, more inward contempt, than outward respect.

And contrary is their servile disposition, who against their own judgment yield to the bent of their wives' mind in such things as are unlawful: they will lose their authority rather than give discontent to their wives: which is a fault expressly forbidden by the law: and yet a fault into which not only wicked Ahab, but also wise Solomon fell: how heinous a fault, and how grievous a fall this was in Solomon, the fearful issue thereof shows. Like to him not in wisdom, but in this point of egregious folly, are such as upon their wives' instigation, suffer priests and Jesuits, to lurk and celebrate masses in their houses, and yield to be present there themselves. Like to Ahab are such magistrates as suffer their wives to oversway them in course of justice: from this it comes to pass that more petitions and suits are made to the wives of magistrates in the cases of justice than to the magistrates themselves: and the favor of their wives is more esteemed than their own: so as the power of governing, and the main stroke in determining matters, is from their wives; they are but the mouths and instrument of their wives, in so much as among the common people the title of their places and offices is given to their wives. Some husbands suffer this by reason of their fearful, and foolish disposition, lacking courage and wisdom to maintain the honor of their places against the insolency of their wives: others upon a subtle, covetous, wicked mind, that by the means of their wives there may be more freedom for receiving bribes. Among these I may reckon those who against their own mind, to satisfy their wives' mind, suffer both wives and children to follow the fashion, to attire themselves unbecoming their places, to frequent light company, with the like; and also those who upon their wives' importunity are moved (as Samson was) to reveal such secrets as are not fit to be known. Husbands may hearken to their wives moving good things, but they may not obey them in evil things: if they do, their fault is double: 1. in doing evil: 2. in losing their authority.

Let husbands therefore be very watchful against their wives' evil instigations. Satan labored to supplant Job by his wife: and by this does he subvert many in these days.

§. 6. Of husbands' high account of wives.

As authority must be well maintained, so must it be well managed: for which purpose two things are needful: 1. That a husband tenderly respect his wife. 2. That providently he care for her.

A husband's tender respect of his wife is | Inward. | Outward. | |

Inward in regard of his | Opinion of her. | Affection to her. | |

Outward in regard of his carriage towards her.

For a husband's opinion of his wife, two things are to be weighed, | Her place, | Her person. | |

1. Her place is indeed a place of inferiority, and subjection, yet the nearest to equality that may be: a place of common equity in many respects, wherein man and wife are after a sort even fellows, and partners: From this it follows that husbands must account their wives yoke-fellows (1 Peter 3:7).

The husband must account his wife a yoke-fellow and companion. This is one point of giving honor to the wife: and it is implied under that phrase by which the end of making a wife is noted, which in our English is translated, meet for him, word for word as before him that is, like himself, one in whom he might see himself, or even (to use our Apostle's word) himself. These phrases imply a kind of fellowship: as also the many prerogatives that are common to both, which have been noted before.

As a wife's acknowledgement of her husband's superiority is the groundwork of all her duties, so a husband's acknowledgement of that fellowship which is between him and his wife, will make him carry himself much more amiably, familiarly, lovingly, and every way as becomes a good husband towards her.

§. 7. Of that fellowship which is between man and wife, notwithstanding a wife's inferiority.

Object. Fellowship between man and wife cannot stand with a wife's inferiority and subjection.

Answ. They are of very mean capacity that cannot see how these may stand together. Is there not a fellowship between superior and inferior magistrates in relation to their subjects? Indeed the Scripture mentions a fellowship between Christ the head and other saints in relation to the glory of which all are made partakers (for it terms us joint heirs with Christ): and in relation to God's people a fellowship between God and his ministers (for it terms them laborers together with God) yet none can deny the saints, and ministers to be inferior and in subjection to Christ, and God. But distinctly to answer the objection.

1. There may not only be a fellowship, but also an equality in some things between those that in other things are one of them inferior and subject: as between man and wife in the power of one another's bodies: for the wife (as well as the husband) is in that both a servant, and a mistress, a servant to yield her body, a mistress to have the power of his.

2. There may be fellowship in the very same things wherein is inferiority: for fellowship has respect to the thing itself, inferiority to the measure, and manner: as in giving light the sun and moon have a fellowship, but in the measure and manner the moon is inferior: the moon has not so much light as the sun, and that which it has it has from the sun: and as in governing, the king and other magistrates have a fellowship, but in the measure, and manner of government they are inferior to him: Even so is it between man and wife, in many things wherein there is a fellowship, the wife is nevertheless inferior: so as inferiority may stand with fellowship.

3. There are no unequals between which there is so near a parity as between man and wife: if therefore there may be a fellowship between any that are superior, and inferior one to another, then much more between man and wife.

As the soul therefore rules over the body, by a mutual and loving consent and agreement, so must a man over his wife.

§. 8. Of husbands' too mean account of wives.

Contrary is the conceit of many who think there is no difference between a wife and servant but in familiarity: and that wives were made to be servants to their husbands, because subjection, fear and obedience are required of them: from where it comes to pass that wives are often used little better than servants. A conceit and practice savoring too much of heathenish, and sottish arrogance. Did God at first take the wife out of man's side, that man should tread her under his feet? Or rather that he should set her at his side next to him above all children, servants, or any other in the family, however near or dear to him? For none can be nearer than a wife, and none ought to be dearer.

Section 9. Of husbands' good esteem of their own wives.

2. For the person of a wife, a husband ought to esteem that particular person to whom by God's providence he is joined in marriage, to be the fittest, and best for him. This is implied under that particle of restraint (OWN) noted by the Apostle where he says husbands love your OWN wives, and again presses it under a comparison of the body (as your OWN bodies). Every one thinks his own body best and fittest for him. A man might happily wish some defects or enormities in his own body to be amended, and desire that his were like another's, more straight, strong, and comely than his own, yet would he not have his head to be upon that other man's body: the same opinion ought a man (that would love his wife) to have of her.

Good reason there is for him so to do: for true is the proverb, if it be rightly taken, marriages are first made in heaven, that is, God has an over-ruling hand in ordering them: which Solomon implies by that opposition which he makes between wealth and a wife: that is from our fathers, this from the Lord: in which respect he says, he which finds a wife receives favor of the Lord. If therefore you are loved of God, and love him, he will make your wife prove a good thing to you.

Objection. A wife may be a very lewd and wicked woman: how then can she be accounted the best wife?

Answer 1. It may be she was good enough when first she was brought to you, but you by your evil example, or negligent government, or hard usage, have made her so bad as she is. Which if it be so, then is she to be considered not as you have marred her, but as you did marry her.

2. Though she be not in relation to other wives the best in condition, yet in relation to you she may be the best in event: if not for your ease and quiet, yet for trial of your wisdom and patience: and so as a school of virtue she may be to you. As a skillful pilot's sufficiency is tried and known by tempestuous seas, so a man's wisdom by a troublesome wife. Indeed she may be given you as a punishment of some former sins, as seeking after a beautiful, honorable, rich, proper wife, rather than a religious and honest one: or seeking her without any direction or help first sought of God, or otherwise than you have warrant from God, as by stealth, and without parents' consent; or some other sins in another kind, to bring you to repentance: or as a means to restrain and wean you from some future sins to which you are subject, and so prove a blessed cross to keep you from a fearful curse.

Section 10. Of husbands' preposterous opinion of their own wives.

Contrary is a corrupt and perverse opinion which many have of their own wives, thinking them of all other the worst and unfittest; indeed though they be such as every way both in gifts and qualities of mind, and also in grace and comeliness of body deserve all good respect and esteem. Whereas others (which look with a single eye) commend their good parts, they misinterpret and misjudge all: if their wives be religious, they think them hypocrites: if grave, sober and modest, melancholic: if cheerful, wanton: if they keep at home, idle drones: if they take occasion (though never so just) of going abroad, gadders, and light-footed. This bad opinion of their wives is a cause that their hearts are clean removed from their own, and set upon strange flesh: whereby the devil gains what he desires, that is, to put asunder such as God has joined together, and to join those whom God has put asunder.

Section 11. Of husbands' entire affection to their wives.

A husband's affection to his wife must be answerable to his opinion of her: he ought therefore to delight in his wife entirely, that is, so to delight in her as wholly and only delighting in her: in this respect the Prophet's wife is called the desire, or delight, or pleasure of his eyes: that wherein he most of all delighted, and therefore by a propriety so called.

Such delight did Isaac take in his wife as it drove out a contrary strong passion, namely the grief which he took for the departure of his mother: for it is noted that he loved her, and was comforted after his mother's death.

This kind of affection the wise man does elegantly set forth in these words, Rejoice with the wife of your youth: Let her be as the loving hind, and pleasant roe, and be ravished always with her love. Here note both the metaphors, and also the hyperbole which are used to set forth a husband's delight in his wife. In the metaphors again note both the creatures to which a wife is resembled, and also the attributes given to them. The creatures are two, a hind and a roe, which are the females of a hart and a roe-buck: now it is noted of the hart and roe-buck, that of all other beasts they are most enamored (as I may so speak) with their mates, and even mad again in their heat and desire after them.

These metaphors has Solomon used to set forth that unfeigned and earnest, entire and ardent affection which a husband ought to bear to his wife: which being taken in a good sense, and rightly applied, so as they exceed not the bonds of Christian modesty and decency, are very fit, and pertinent to the purpose: if we stretch them beyond modesty, we wrong the penman of them, or rather the Holy Ghost that directed him, and propound a pernicious pattern to husbands.

The attributes given to the forenamed creatures much amplify the point: the former is termed a loving hind, the latter a pleasant roe, word for word a hind of loves, a roe of favor, that is, exceedingly loved and favored: (for to set forth the extent of God's love to his Son, Christ is called the son of his love:)

These comparisons applied to a wife, do lively set forth that delight which a husband ought to take in her, and yet is it much further amplified by the hyperbole used in this phrase, be ravished with her love, word for word err in her love, by which no sinful error, or dotage is meant, but a lawful earnest affection: implying two things especially. First, so far to exceed, as to make a man overlook some such blemishes in his wife, as others would soon espy and dislike: or else to count them no blemishes, delighting in her never a whit the less for them. For example, if a man have a wife, not very beautiful, or proper, but having some deformity in her body, some imperfection in her speech, sight, gesture, or any part of her body, yet so to affect her, and delight in her, as if she were the fairest, and every way most complete woman in the world. Secondly, so highly to esteem, so ardently to affect, so tenderly to respect her, as others may think him even to dote on her. A husband's affection to his wife cannot be too great if it kept within the bonds of honesty, sobriety and comeliness. The wife's affection ought to be as great to her husband, yet because of the husband's place of authority, he must especially take all occasions to manifest this his inward affection. Read the Song of Songs, and in it you shall observe such affection manifested by Christ to his Spouse, as would make one think he did (with reverence in a holy manner to use the phrase) even err in his love and dote on her. A good pattern and precedent for husbands. For nothing is more lovely than a good wife.

§. 12. Of the Stoical disposition of husbands to their wives.

Contrary is the disposition of such husbands as have no heat, or heart of affection in them: but Stoic-like delight no more in their own wives than in any other women, nor account them any dearer than others. A disposition no way warranted by the word. The faithful Saints of God before mentioned, as also many other like to them, were no Stoics, without all affection: nor did they think it a matter unbecoming them after a peculiar manner to delight in their wives (witness Isaac's sporting with his wife) for this is a privilege which appertains to the estate of marriage. But that I be not mistaken herein, let it be noted that the affection of which I speak is not a carnal, sensual, beastly affection, but such a one as may stand with Christian gravity and sobriety: having relation to the soul of a man's wife as well as to her body, grounded both on the near conjunction of marriage, and also on the inward qualities of his wife.

Thus far of a husband's inward respect of his wife. It follows to speak of his outward carriage towards her.

§. 13. Of a husband's kind acceptance of such things as his wife does.

Saint Peter gives a general rule for a husband's outward carriage to his wife, which is, that he dwell with her according to knowledge, that is, as a man able to order his carriage wisely to his own honor and his wife's good, that so she may have just cause to bless God that ever she was joined to such a husband.

Out of this general these two branches sprout forth. 1. That a husband give no just offense to his wife. 2. That wisely he order that offense which is given by her.

To avoid giving of offense he must have respect, 1. To that which she does as duty to him. 2. To that which he does as duty to her.

In regard of the former two things are requisite: 1. That he kindly accept what she is willing and able to do. 2. That he wisely commend and reward what she does well.

Thus having for order's sake laid down these heads, I will distinctly handle the several points.

The first particular wherein a husband shows himself to be a man of knowledge in walking before his wife, is by a kind and respectful acceptance of every good duty which his wife performs. Abraham in testimony of his good acceptance of Sarah's pains in nursing her child, made a great feast when the child was weaned: and Elkanah on a like respect gave liberty to his wife to do what seemed her best.

A great encouragement must this needs be to wives to be subject to their husbands in all things, when they observe no part of their subjection to be carelessly neglected, but rather graciously accepted: it quickens the spirit of a wife to think that her care and pains in pleasing her husband shall not be in vain.

§. 14. Of husbands slighting and rejecting their wives' goodness.

Contrary is their practice who thinking all which a wife does to be but her duty, take little or no notice thereof; or if they cannot but take notice of it, yet lightly regard it, and slightly pass it over. This oftentimes makes a wife even repent the good she has done, as David repented the service which he had done for Nabal. The truth is that wives ought rather to look to God for his acceptance than to their husbands: and though their husbands will take no notice, or not regard what good thing they do, yet for conscience sake, and for the Lord's sake to do their duty. But yet notwithstanding considering our weakness and backwardness to every duty, it cannot be denied but that a husband's slight regarding of his wife's goodness is an occasion to make her weary thereof: and that he does as much as in him lies to make her repent thereof.

But what may we say of such as scornfully reject their wives' duty, yes, like them the worse for making conscience thereof, and so (clean contrary to the rule of Christianity) overcome goodness with evil? Surely they show a very diabolical spirit to be in them: and cannot but minister much grief, and offense to their wives, and make that which they do to be very irksome and tedious. Fathers ought not to provoke their children, much less husbands their wives.

§. 15. Of husbands' courteous accepting their wives' reverent carriage.

For the better conceiving of this so needful a point I will somewhat more particularly and distinctly apply the same to the several duties of a wife: which were drawn to two heads.

Reverence. | Obedience. |

For the first, if a wife manifest her dutiful respect of her husband by any reverent behavior, gesture, or speech, he ought to meet her (as we say) in the midst of the way, and manifest his gracious acceptance thereof by some like courteous behavior, gesture, and speech, being seemly, not foolish.

Objection. Thus shall a husband abase himself, and disgrace his place.

The courtesy which I speak of as it comes from a superior, being a mere voluntary matter and a token of kindness and favor, is no abasement of himself, but an advancement of his inferior: a great grace to her, no disgrace to him. Abram was counted of the Hittites a Prince of God, yet in communing with them he bowed to them. It is noted as a commendable thing in Esau, that though at that time he was his brother's superior (at least he took himself so to be) yet observing how Jacob reverenced him, bowing seven times to the ground, he ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck. Most pertinent to the point is the example of King Ahasuerus, who beholding Esther's reverent standing before him, held out his scepter to her, which in a King is great courtesy.

But to put the matter out of all question, let the example of Christ noted in Solomon's song be observed, and we shall find his courtesy every way answering the reverence of his Spouse.

§. 15. Of husbands' too great loftiness.

Contrary is a lofty carriage of husbands to their wives, who overlook all reverence showed by wives, no more respecting their wives in this case, than children or servants: or than Kings do respect the reverence of their subjects.

Often have I noted that there is a great difference between a wife and all other inferiors, in which respect all evidences of reverence should much better be respected; yet we know that Kings and Queens will put out their hands to be kissed by their subjects when they kneel before them, which is a token of courtesy: how much more ought husbands to show courtesy? Unworthy they are to be reverenced of their wives, who too lord-like overlook them.

§. 16. Of husbands' ready yielding to their wives' humble suits.

Again, it being a token of reverence in a wife humbly to make known her desire to her husband, he ought to show so much courtesy as readily to grant her desire: this courtesy the forenamed Ahasuerus afforded to Esther (Esther 5:3): David to Bathsheba (1 Kings 1:28, etc.): Isaac to Rebekah (Genesis 28:1): Abraham to Sarah (Genesis 16:6; Genesis 21:10-11), and many other husbands to their wives. Abraham showed herein such respect to his wife, that though the thing which she desired were grievous to him, yet he yielded to his wife.

Objection. God first commanded him so to do.

Answer. This adds the more force to the argument, showing that it is God's express will, that a husband should show this kind of courtesy to his wife. Much more ought a man to do at his wife's request than at any others, whether friend, child, or parent: indeed much more free, forward and cheerful ought he to show himself in granting his wife's request than any others: provided notwithstanding that her desire be of that which may lawfully be granted: to yield in things unlawful is to lose his authority, as was showed before.

§. 17. Of husbands' harshness to their wives.

Contrary is the harshness of their disposition who yield to their wives' request as a hard-milch-cow lets down her milk, not without much ado: whereby the grace of all their yielding is taken away. There can be no courtesy in yielding, when it is against their mind and will forced from them: their wives must ask, and entreat again and again, yea be forced to use the mediation of others to persuade their husbands to yield to their request before they will yield, if at all they yield. What is this but to proclaim to all the world that there is no affection in them to their wives? If a wife's breath be strange to her husband, assuredly his heart is first strange to her: which is the ready way to make him set his heart on strange women.

§. 18. Of husbands' forbearing to exact all that they may.

As a wife's reverence so also her obedience must be answered with her husband's courtesy. In testimony whereof, a husband must be ready to accept that wherein his wife shows herself willing to obey him. He ought to be sparing in exacting too much of her: in this case he ought so to frame his carriage toward her, as that obedience which she performs, may rather come from her own voluntary disposition, from a free conscience toward God, even because God has placed her in a place of subjection, and from a wife-like love, than from any exaction on her husband's part, and as it were by force.

Husbands ought not to exact of their wives, whatever wives ought to yield to if it be exacted. They must observe what is lawful, needful, convenient, expedient, fit for their wives to do, indeed and what they are most willing to do before they be too peremptory in exacting it. For example.

1. Though the wife ought to go with her husband, and dwell where he thinks fit, yet ought not he (unless by virtue of some urgent calling he be forced thereto) remove her from place to place, and carry her from that place where she is well settled without her good liking. Jacob consulted with his wives, and made trial of their willingness, before he carried them from their father's house (Genesis 31:4, etc.).

2. Though she ought cheerfully to entertain whatever guests he brings into the house, yet ought not he to be grievous and burdensome therein to her: the greatest care and pains for entertaining guests lies on the wife: she ought therefore to be tendered therein.

If he observe her conscientious and wise, well able to manage and order matters about the house, yet loath to do anything without his consent, he ought to be ready and free in yielding his consent, and satisfying her desire, as Elkanah (1 Samuel 1:23): and if she be bashful and backward in asking consent, he ought voluntarily of himself to offer it: indeed and to give her a general consent to order and dispose matters as in her wisdom she sees fit, as the said Elkanah did — ("Do," says he to his wife, "what seems good to you") — and the husband of that good housewife which Solomon describes (Proverbs 31:11).

A general consent is especially requisite for ordering of household affairs: for it is a charge laid upon wives to guide the house: whereby it appears that the businesses of the house appertain, and are most proper to the wife: in which respect she is called the housewife: so as therein husbands ought to refer matters to their ordering, and not restrain them in every particular matter from doing anything without a special license and direction. To exemplify this in some particulars, it appertains in peculiar to a wife, 1. To order the decking and trimming of the house. 2. To dispose the ordinary provision for the family. 3. To rule and govern maidservants. 4. To bring up children while they are young, with the like. These therefore ought he with a general consent to refer to her discretion: with limitation only of these two cautions (1 Timothy 5:14; Proverbs 31:21-22; verse 15; Genesis 16:6; 1 Timothy 5:10; Titus 2:4; 2 Kings 4:19).

1. That she have in some measure sufficient discretion, wit, and wisdom, and be not too ignorant, foolish, simple, lavish, etc.

2. That he have a general oversight in all, and so interpose his authority as he suffers nothing that is unlawful or unseemly to be done by his wife about house, children, servants, or other things: for 1. The general charge of all lies principally upon him. 2. He shall give an account to God for all things that are amiss in his house.

3. The blame of all will also before men lie upon him.

But those two cautions provided, he ought together with his general consent put trust in his wife (as Potiphar did in Joseph), making herein a difference between a wife, and all others whether children of years, friends, or servants whom he employs in his affairs. Them in every particular he may direct for matter and manner, and take a strict account of them for expenses laid out, or other things done: because what they do is wholly and only for another. To his wife (who is a joint parent of his children, and governor of his house, to whose good the husband's wealth redounds, and in that respect does for herself that which she does for her husband) greater liberty and license must be given (Proverbs 31:11; Genesis 39:6).

§. 19. Of husbands too much strictness towards their wives.

Contrary is the rigor and austerity of many husbands, who stand upon the uttermost step of their authority, and yield no more to a wife than to any other inferior. Such are they

1. Who are never contented or satisfied with any duty the wife performs, but ever are exacting more and more.

2. Who care not how grievous and burdensome they are to their wives: grievous by bringing such guests into the house as they know cannot be welcome to them: burdensome by too frequent, and unseasonable inviting of guests, or imposing other like extraordinary businesses, over and above the ordinary affairs of the house. Too frequent imposing of such things cannot but breed much wearisomeness. Unseasonable (as when the wife is weak by sickness, child-bearing, giving suck, or other like means, and so not able to give that contentment which otherwise she would) cannot but much disquiet her, and give her great offence.

3. Who hold their wives under as if they were children or servants, restraining them from doing anything without their knowledge and particular express consent.

4. Who are over busy in prying into every business of the house, and will have their hand in all. Besides that such husbands afford no opportunity to their wives of giving proof of that understanding, wit, wisdom, care, and other gifts which God has endowed them withal, they take away that main end for which a wife was given a man, namely, to be a help (Genesis 2:18). Such husbands cannot but neglect other more weighty matters, which more properly belong to them. For observe it and you shall find, that such husbands as are most busy about the private affairs of the house appertaining to their wives, are most negligent of such affairs as appertain to themselves: they think they walk in integrity, but yet are they not just nor wise therein: for the just man walks in HIS integrity, and the wisdom of the prudent is to understand HIS way — that is, that integrity which appertains to his own peculiar place; and his own way: but every fool will be meddling, namely, with things not belonging to his place (Proverbs 20:7; 14:8; 20:3).

5. Who are over suspicious of their wives, and thereupon over strict in taking account of them. Saint Paul calls surmises evil, and that not without just cause: for evil they are in their nature, and evil in their effects, being occasions of many mischiefs: but in none so evil as in husbands over their wives (1 Timothy 6:4). If a wife's fidelity (to whose good the welfare of the family, and increase of the stock redounds as well as to the husband's) be without just cause suspected, who shall be trusted? It is the overthrow of many families, that servants are trusted, and not wives.

Thus far of a husband's kind acceptance of that which his wife is willing and able to do.

§. 20. Of husbands encouraging their wives in good things.

The love which a husband owes to his wife further requires that he wisely commend and reward what she has well done. That which the Apostle says of the magistrate's authority, may fitly be applied to a husband's in relation to his wife, "Do that which is good, and you shall have praise of the same" (Romans 13:3). It is expressly noted in the description of a good husband that he praises his wife (Proverbs 31:28-29): and in that he says, "Give her of the fruit of her hands," it is implied also that he rewards her.

This is an undoubted evidence of his good acceptance of her duty, and a further encouragement to stir her up to go on and continue in well doing. Indeed this is also an evidence of his joy and delight both in her person, and also in her well doing. [illegible] there be no delight in one's person, well doing will rather stir up envy than joy: and they that envy a man's well doing, will never commend, or reward him for it.

In a husband's commending of his wife this caveat must be put: that he so order his commendation as it savor not of flattery, or dotage: nor yet stir up lust or envy in others.

§. 21. Of husbands ungrateful discouraging their wives.

Contrary is an ungrateful, if not envious disposition of such husbands, as passing by many good things ordinarily and usually every day done by their wives without any approbation, commendation or remuneration, are ready to dispraise the least slip, or neglect in them; and that in such general terms as if they never did anything well, so as their wives may well complain and say as it is in the proverb,

Oft did I well, and that hear I never: Once did I ill, and that hear I ever.

Yet such will be ready to praise other men's wives, and upbraid their own wives with the examples of those others, when their own do far excel them in all kinds of goodness. What does this show but that either they take no notice of their own wives' goodness, or else by reason of the commonness thereof little regard it? If their wives have not the more grace in them, this disposition is enough not only to discourage them from doing any good duty, but also to breed jealousy in them, and to alienate their hearts from them.

§. 22. Of a husband's mildness.

Up to this point, of that respect which a husband is to have of that duty which his wife performs to him.

For avoiding just offence, a husband must further have good respect to that which as duty he does to his wife. As kindly he must accept duty at his wife's hands, so mildly he must perform that duty which he owes to her.

This mildness is an especial fruit, and evidence of love, and a notable means to take away all offense that otherwise might be taken from many things which he does. Sugar and honey are not more pleasant to the tongue, than mildness to the heart; it causes such things as otherwise are irksome and grievous to the soul, to be well taken and applied, even as bitter pills dipped in sweet syrup, or rolled up in the soft pap of an apple, are soon swallowed down and well digested. If a husband desires to be accounted a servant of the Lord he must learn this lesson: For the servant of the Lord must be gentle to all men. If any other servant of the Lord, much more husbands: if to all men, most of all to their wives: and that in many respects. 1. Because of the near union between man and wife. 2. Because of the joint authority she has with him over others: that here he may be a precedent and example to her. 3. Because of her weakness: glasses are tenderly handled: a small knock soon breaks them.

§. 23. Of husbands bitterness.

Contrary is bitterness, a vice expressly forbidden, and that in particular to husbands. A vice that cannot stand with a husband-like love: whereupon the Apostle commanding the one forbids the other, Love (says he) and be not bitter. Nothing more turns the edge of his authority, perverts the use of his government, provokes the stomach of his wife, makes his words and deeds less regarded, than bitterness. It is as gall and wormwood mixed with sweet and wholesome meats, which causes that they cannot be well digested, but with violence are spit out again as soon as ever they be tasted. Men in authority are much prone to this: and therefore, O husbands, be so much the more watchful against it, love your wives and be not bitter to them.

§. 24. Of the titles which a husband gives to his wife.

The forenamed mildness of a husband must be manifested in his Speech and Carriage.

For so far as reverence extends itself in the duties of wives, must mildness be extended in the duties of husbands.

Whether a husband's speech be to his wife before her face, or of her behind her back, it must be sweetened with mildness.

1. For his speech to her, 1. The titles with which he calls her. 2. The instructions which he gives her. 3. The commandments which he lays upon her. 4. The reproofs with which he checks her, must all be mixed with mildness.

Among other titles, the most ordinary and usual title (wife) is a mild and kind title, and least offensive of all other: if a husband gives any other title to his wife, it must be such a one as manifests kindness, familiarity, love, and delight. Such are all the titles which Christ gives to the Church, as Spouse, Love, Dove, with the like. I do not deny but that in the Song of Solomon, and in other places of Scripture many titles are given and speeches used by Christ to the Church which are not meet to be used by husbands to their wives, because they are metaphorical, and hyperbolical: but yet in them all we may observe tokens of amiableness, kindness, and mildness, which is the end for which I have alleged his example.

But contrary are such titles as on the one side set the wife in too high a place over her husband, as Lady, Mistress, Dame, Mother, etc. And on the other side set her in too mean a rank, as woman, wench, etc. And their Christian names contracted, as Sal, Mal, Besse, Nan, etc. and names of kindred, as Sister, and Cousin: and opprobrious names, as slut, drab, quean; and names more befitting beasts than wives, as Cole, Brown, Muggle, etc.

Objection. These are titles of mildness, kindness, and much familiarity: for husbands call their wives by these names, not when they are angry with them and displeased, but ordinarily, and usually, even when they are best pleased.

Answer. The mildness and familiarity which is required of a husband must be such as may stand with his authority and place of eminence (as some of those names do not,) and with that near conjunction which is between man and wife above all others (as others do not,) and with Christian gravity and discretion (as others do not.) Christians therefore must take heed that by their practice they justify not corrupt customs.

§. 25. Of a husband's manner of instructing his wife.

2. To instruction the Apostle expressly annexes meekness, Instruct (says he) with meekness, those that oppose themselves. If ministers must use meekness when they instruct their people, much more husbands when they instruct their wives: if in case of opposition meekness must not be laid aside, then in no case, at no time.

In this case to manifest meekness, let these rules be observed.

1. Note the understanding and capacity of your wife, and accordingly fit your instructions: if she be of mean capacity, give precept upon precept, line upon line, here a little and there a little: a little at once often given (namely every day something) will arise in time to a great measure, and so arise, as, together with knowledge of the thing taught, love of the person that teaches will increase.

2. Instruct her in private between yourself and her, that so her ignorance may not be blazed forth: private actions passing between man and wife are tokens of much kindness and familiarity.

3. In the family so instruct children and servants when she is present, as she may learn knowledge thereby: there can be no more meek and gentle manner of instructing, than by one to instruct another.

4. Together with your precepts mix sweet and pithy persuasions, which are testimonies of great love.

Contrary is a harsh and rough manner of instructing, when husbands go about to thrust into their wives' heads, as it were by violence, deep mysteries which they are not able to conceive, and yet if they conceive not, they will be angry with them, and in anger give them evil language, and proclaim their ignorance before children, servants, and strangers. This harshness is ordinarily so fruitless, and withal so exasperates a woman's spirit, as I think he were better clean omit the duty than do it after such a manner.

§. 26. Of a husband's manner of commanding his wife anything.

3. The commandments which a husband gives to his wife, whether they be affirmative (bidding her to do something) or negative (forbidding her to do this or that) must all be seasoned with mildness. For which end respect must be had to the matter and manner of his commandments.

In regard of the matter the things which he commands his wife to do, must be 1. Such as are indeed lawful and honest. 2. Such as she is persuaded to be so. 3. Such as beseem her place. 4. Such as are of weight and moment.

And on the contrary, the things which he forbids must be: 1. Such as are indeed unlawful to be done. 2. Such as he can evidently prove to her to be unlawful. 3. Such as are unbecoming her place. 4. Such as will have some evil and mischievous effect if they be done.

1. To command a thing unlawful, or forbid a thing which ought to be done, is to bring his own authority into opposition with God's: in which case he brings his wife into this strait, either to reject God's commandment or his. How then can she think that her husband loves her, when he brings her into such snares and straits, that she must needs fall into the gulf of God's displeasure, or knock against the rock of her husband's offense? Mildness is far from such commandments.

2. The like may be said of such things as to a wife's conscience seem to be sinful, if they be enjoined to her; or her bound duty, if they be forbidden: especially if she have any ground for her conscience out of God's word. The conscience is subject to God alone: if it be forced it will be a fearful horror, and a very hell in that party whose conscience is forced. She that doubts is condemned if she does that of which she makes doubt (Romans 14:23).

1. Objection. In doubtful matters the commanding power of a governor is sufficient warrant and ground to resolve the conscience of them that are under authority.

Answer. 1. In things merely doubtful concerning which the party in subjection has not warrant out of God's word one way or other, it may be so. But when the conscience does not doubt and hang in suspense, but is out of some ground taken from God's word persuaded that that which is commanded is unlawful, or that which is forbidden is a bound duty, then to do this, or to leave that undone, is to the party so persuaded a sin: and this is the doubting (which the Apostle speaks of) that condemns a man. In this case to urge a wife to do this, or not to do that, is to urge her to sin: which a mild spirit and loving heart will not do.

2. Though the husband's command be sufficient warrant to the wife, and if he peremptorily presses her to this or that, she ought to yield, yet the love and mildness required of a husband should make him so to tend to her as to remit something of his power, and when he sees her conscience troubled about his command, to relieve her conscience by forbearing to press that which seems so burdensome to her. A husband may sin in pressing that too much upon his wife, which she upon his pressing may without sin yield to.

§27. Of a husband's wise carriage when his wife is erroneously scrupulous.

2. Objection. What if a husband upon his knowledge observe his wife to be erroneously scrupulous, and to misinterpret and misapply the word of God which she makes the ground of her scruple?

Answer. He must first labor to resolve her conscience by a plain discovery of her error; which is a true and a great token of love: if notwithstanding all that he can do in that kind she cannot be brought to yield to that which he would have, then he must carefully observe these two things. 1. Whether her refusing to yield, be an obstinacy, or weakness. 2. Whether it be about a slight or weighty matter.

By the reasons which she renders, and her manner of pressing them, he may discern whether weakness or obstinacy make her stand out against him: if the reason which she rests on taken from God's word be doubtful, and to one that has not a good sound judgment, and a sharp discerning wit, it may appear to make something for her, it is to be presupposed that there is more weakness than stubbornness in her. But if she can render no good reason, but only take every show that any way seems to incline to her words, and peremptorily holds the conclusion, and stiffly stands on her own resolution, though the vanity of her pretenses be evidently discovered to her, so as she has not anything further to object; or if she renders no reason at all but her own thought, conceit and will, and yet refuses to yield, surely obstinacy possesses her heart. In case of obstinacy it is very expedient that a husband stand upon his power to maintain his authority, and by the best wisdom he can (using only such means as are lawful) bring her to yield from her stubbornness to that which he requires: especially if the matter be weighty: as in case a religious man has been married to a Popish wife, and she by no reason will be moved to forbear going to Mass, or yield to go to the preaching of the Gospel. But if through weakness she cannot be persuaded of the lawfulness of that her husband requires, and the matter required be of no great consequence, nor the weakness of her conscience cause any great error, a husband ought so far to manifest his mildness as to forbear to press her conscience.

§28. Of a husband's forbearing to press things unbecoming a wife's place.

3. Things unbecoming the place of a wife are dishonorable to her: for a husband to urge his wife by strict charge to do them, implies more rigorousness than mildness. Had the spirit of that stout Monarch Ahasuerus been more mild towards his wife, he would not have so far pressed his wife to so unseemly a thing as he did, namely, to come before all his princes and people to make show of her beauty (Esther 1:10). It is true indeed (as we showed before) that she offended in refusing to yield to that, he peremptorily requiring it; but that offense on her part does not justify his act, and free him from all blame: it is noted, that he was merry with wine, when he gave that commandment, whereby is intimated, that his practice was more befitting a drunken, than a sober man. Such is their practice who exact of their wives to do such tasks as befit maidservants rather than wives, or strumpets rather than honest women; as to go to taverns, alehouses, playhouses, and such places where light companions be.

§29. Of a husband's pressing his authority in weighty matters.

4. To use a man's authority about weighty matters, matters of moment, makes it have such weight in it, as it will much better be regarded: for thus a wife will either be brought to yield to that which is commanded, or to condemn herself for not yielding: indeed thus a wife may see, that it is not his own will so much which makes him to use his authority in commanding, as the necessity of the thing itself, which redounds especially to her good that does it: for the performance of a duty is for the most part most advantageable to the party that performs it, so as hereby a husband shows love to his wife in pressing that which he presses.

This token of love that it may the better appear, it is necessary that a husband add to his commandment just and weighty reasons, that thereby his wife may the better discern the appropriateness, lawfulness, expediency, and necessity of the things commanded. We know that all the things which God commands are weighty and necessary: indeed his will (being the very rule, and ground of all goodness) makes things absolutely necessary, yet to his commandments he uses to add weighty reasons; showing on the one side the benefit and blessedness that will come to such as obey his commandments; and on the other side, the mischief and misery that will fall on their heads who refuse to obey; whereby he shows the great good respect which he bears to us, and the earnest desire he has of our good. Thus may a husband even in his commandments show much love and kindness.

§30. Of husbands' too great pride in commanding.

Contrary is the peremptory pride of husbands, when they will have their own will done: it matters not whether the thing commanded be lawful or unlawful, whether their wives' consciences can yield to it or no, whether it stands with the honor of their places or no, and whether it be weighty or light; their will it is it should be done, and done it shall be, there is all the reason they will give. Some think it a glory to command what they list; and think that there is no proof of their authority, and of their wives' subjection, but in such things as upon their own will, without any further ground or reason, they command. If such husbands meet with opposition; if though they command much, they find not answerable performance; they may thank themselves, who run the ready course to have their authority despised and even trodden under foot.

§31. Of husbands' rare and mild using their commanding power.

Respect must be had by husbands to the manner of using their authority in commanding as well as to the matter.

In regard of the manner his commandments must be 1. Rare, not too frequent. 2. By way of entreating, not too peremptory.

Authority is like a sword, which with over much using will be blunted, and so fail to do that service which otherwise it might when there is most need. A wise, grave, peaceable man, may always have his sword in readiness, and that also very bright, keen, and sharp: but he will not be very ready to pluck it out of his scabbard; he rather keeps it for a time of need, when it should stand him in most stead. Such husbands therefore as are too frequent in their commands, show themselves neither grave, nor wise, nor lovers of peace.

As the use of a husband's authority in commanding must be rare, so when there is occasion to use it, it must be with such mildness and moderation tempered, so as (according to Saint Paul's example) though he have power to command that which is convenient, yet for love's sake he rather entreats it. Note how mildly Abram frames his speech to his wife, "Say I pray you" (says he) "you are my sister." Though the thing he required favored of too much weakness, yet his manner of requiring it was well befitting a kind husband.

§32. Of husbands' insolence and peremptoriness.

Contrary is the insolence of many, who cannot speak to their wives, but in commanding-wise. Their authority is like a swaggerer's sword, which cannot long rest in the sheath, but upon every small occasion is drawn forth. This frequent use of commanding makes their commandments not at all regarded. The like may be said of them who are too peremptory in commanding: there must be no saying no to that which they say: upon command they will have their mind done, and no other way: no persuasion, no entreaty shall be used: they will rather not at all have their will done, than not upon absolute command: indeed they will not suffer others, in case of any refusal, to entreat, or persuade, but will try what absolutely they can do by authority. Thus as by trying to bend steel how far it will go, it often breaks; so by putting their authority to the uttermost trial, they often lose all their authority: in which case the mends (as we speak) is in their own hands.

§33. Of a husband's reproving his wife.

4. The authority and charge which God has given to a husband over his wife, do require that as good and just occasion is offered, he should reprove her: for this is an especially means to draw her from those sins, wherein otherwise she might live and lie, indeed and die also; and so live, lie, and die under God's wrath: out of which misery and wretchedness to free a wife, is as great a token of love, as to pull her out of the water when she is in danger of drowning, or out of the fire when she is in danger of burning. Solomon thus calls reproofs, reproofs of life, and expressly notes reproofs to be the way of life, a means to breed and preserve spiritual life, and to bring one to eternal life, and so to escape death and damnation. In these respects rebukes are called a precious balm, or excellent oil, which may heal a wound, but make none: it breaks not the head, as the Psalmist speaks. Upon this ground, no doubt, it is noted of many good husbands, who were without all question, loving, kind, meek, and mild husbands, that they reproved their wives: as Jacob, Job, David, and others.

§34. Of neglecting reproof.

Contrary is a servile and timorous mind of many husbands, who are loath to offend, and (as they think) to provoke their wives; and therefore choose rather to let them continue in sin, than tell them of it. Wherein they both dishonor their place, and the image of God, which by virtue of their place they carry, and also in effect and in truth hate their wives; which the Law implies, where it says, "You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but shall plainly rebuke your neighbor, and not suffer sin upon him."

§35. Of well ordering reproof in the matter thereof.

That a husband may evidently demonstrate that his reproving of his wife is indeed a fruit of his love, he must have an especial care to sweeten it, especially with mildness: for it is the bitterest pill that by a husband can be given to a wife. It is a verbal correction, and in that respect a middle means (as I may so speak) between admonition and correction; partaking somewhat of both: it goes no further than words, and so is an admonition: the words of a reproof are sharp, and so it is a correction: though it be but a mild correction, yet it is a sharp admonition; and all the correction which by himself a husband can give his wife: for we shall after show that he may not proceed to blows, and strokes.

To sweeten reproof with mildness respect must be had (as before was noted of commanding) both to the matter, and also to the manner thereof.

The matter of reproof must be: 1. Just. 2. Weighty.

Justice requires that it be a truth, and a known truth, even a thing of which he is assured, for which he reproves his wife. Christ in giving direction for reproving aright, lays down this as a ground, If your brother shall trespass, etc. a trespass therefore must go before reproof: where no trespass is, there reproof is unjust (Matthew 18:15).

Again, the Apostle advises that an accusation should not be received but under two, or three witnesses; by which he implies that a light report must not be received, but where blame is laid, there must be two or three witnesses to confirm it, so as he that censures may have good and sure ground for that which he does (1 Timothy 5:19): indeed that advice was in particular given about an elder, but from the less to the greater it will follow to be a good advice concerning wives: for no kind of person must be more wary in laying blame upon another and reproving for the same, than a husband on his wife.

Equity further requires that the matter for which a husband reproves his wife be weighty; namely for some fault that is dangerous to her soul, hurtful to their estate, contagious by reason of ill example to children, and others in the family, but most of all for sin against God which provokes his wrath, and pulls down his heavy curse upon him, her, and the whole family.

When that for which a wife is reproved is a truth, a known truth, and a weighty truth, the husband in performing this duty justifies his deed, shows that there was need thereof, and so gives evidence of his love, makes his reproof to pierce the more deeply, and so makes her the more ashamed of her fault; from which it will follow, that either she will amend her fault or at least will have her mouth stopped, so as she shall have nothing to object against it. The reproof of the three saints before mentioned, Jacob (Genesis 30:2), Job (Job 2:10), and David (2 Samuel 6:21-22), were answerable to these points of justice and wisdom: and the effects thereof answerable to those which we have noted in this reason, as the silence of the three wives implies: for none of them replied again.

§. 36. Of undue reproof.

Contrary to the forenamed justice and equity are overlight credulity and undue suspicion. Credulity is when credence is given to every light report, and thereupon blame laid upon the wife before any just proof be made of that for which she is blamed: by which it often comes to pass, that she is wrongfully and unjustly blamed: which if she be, what good fruit can proceed from such reproofs? Yes, what evil fruits are not likely to proceed from there, as secret discontent (if not malice and hatred) and open contentions and brawlings?

The like may be said of light and causeless suspicion, which is the mother of jealousy, and the very bane of marriage, from which the devil takes great advantage against them both, seeking thereby to unloose that knot which God has so firmly knit between them. Suspicion to the mind is as a colored glass to the eye, which represents things to the sight not as indeed they are in their own true color, but as the color of the glass is. Suspicion will make a man pervert every thing that his wife does, and blame her many times for such things as are praiseworthy: in which case what can be thought, but that a husband seeks advantage against his wife, rather than any good to her?

If to those two forenamed vices (credulity and suspicion) he [reconstructed: add] rashness and hastiness in reproving, and make every small and light matter which any way he dislikes, matter of reproof, does he not proclaim to all that shall know it, that he loves chiding more than he loves his wife? Yes, is not this the ready way to make all his reproof (if not scorned) lightly regarded? What then will be the profit of them?

§. 37. Whether a husband may reprove his wife for such things as he is guilty of.

To the matter of reproof some add, that a husband ought not to reprove his wife for that fault of which he himself is guilty: but I make doubt of this direction. I deny not but that he ought to have an especial care that he be not guilty of that crime for which he blames his wife; otherwise, 1. he blunts the edge of his reproof, so as readily it cannot pierce into her heart. 2. He causes it to rebound back again upon himself with these reproaches, Physician heal yourself: Hypocrite first cast the beam out of your own eye. You that teach another, do you not teach yourself? 3. He is a heavy witness against himself; for in that he judges another he condemns himself. But thereupon to infer, that because he is guilty of such vices as are in his wife, he ought not to reprove her though she be worthy to be reproved, is scarce sound and good divinity: for thus he makes himself guilty of a double fault, one of committing the sin himself, the other of suffering his wife to lie in it: whereas if he reproved his wife, he might thereby reclaim both her and himself: for I doubt not but his reproving of his wife would strike deeper into his own conscience than if a third should reprove them both. How were Judah (Genesis 38:26) and David (2 Samuel 12:13) struck to the heart after they had given sentence against such crimes as they themselves were guilty of? It is a good advice that no man be guilty of that which he reproves in his wife, but it is no good rule to say, no man ought to reprove his wife of that of which he is guilty (Luke 4:23; Matthew 7:5; Romans 2:21; Romans 2:1).

§. 38. Of well ordering reproof in the manner thereof.

Like directions to those which were given for the manner of commanding must be observed in the manner of reproving.

Reproofs therefore must be: Rare. Meek.

When reproofs are seldom used, not but upon urgent and necessary occasion, 1. It shows that a husband takes no delight in rebuking his wife, but is even forced to do so. 2. It makes his wife much more regard it. 3. It is likely to work a more perfect cure, for seldom and rare reproofs do commonly pierce most deeply.

Contrary is continual chiding, and finding fault with a wife for every thing amiss: if not only the wife herself, but a child, or servant, or any else in the house do amiss, the wife shall be blamed for it. This is too common a fault in husbands: whereby they much provoke their wives; indeed and many times make them no more regard a reproof than any other word. For as birds which always abide in belfries where much ringing is, are not a whit affrighted with their loud sound; so wives who have their ears from time to time filled with their husband's rebuke, by use are brought, nothing at all to be moved therewith.

2. That a reproof must be given in meekness is clear by the Apostle's general precept of restoring one in the spirit of meekness: for a right manner of reproving is thereby particularly intended. Now of all with whom we have to do, no fitter object for meekness than a wife, who in a more peculiar manner than any other is your own flesh.

Meekness has respect both to secrecy of place, and to softness of words.

When a husband is alone with his wife, then is the fittest season for reproof: thus will reproof be answerable to Christ's direction: tell him his fault between you and him alone (says Christ of a brother:) but no brother must be tendered more than a wife. Thus will it also soak better into her soul, when no conceit of dishonor and discredit shall arise up to hinder the work of it: which conceits will be ready to arise when a reproof is given in public before others. Thus likewise will occasion be taken away from children and servants of despising her: which otherwise they would quickly take, if before them she should be rebuked; gathering from there, that she is kept under as much as they: now because she is with him a joint governor of them, he ought by all means to maintain her reputation before them.

Question. What if she regard not a rebuke in secret?

Answer. He may follow Christ's direction, Take one or two more, namely wise, grave, faithful friends, if it may be, of her kindred, as her parents (if she have any living) or such as are in course of nature next to parents (if they be not partial on her side) and before them rebuke her: but by no means before any of the house under her government.

Question. What if her fault be public, such a one as may be an ill example to them of the house, it being committed in their sight, or brought some other way to their knowledge?

Answer. Wisely he must so manifest his dislike of her fault, as he in no way impairs her honor: he may therefore declare that such a thing was not well done, and forewarn his household of committing the like; indeed roundly threaten them that if any of them do the like they shall dearly repent it; and if such as are under correction offend therein, the more surely and severely correct them, even because they have taken example. Thus shall he testify a great good respect of his wife, and also a thorough dislike and hatred of her sin.

2. A soft tongue (as Solomon notes) breaks the bones, that is, softens a hard heart, and beats down a stout stomach. How will it then work upon a soft heart, and gentle disposition? If therefore a husband looks to do good by reproving his wife, his reproof must be so ordered, as it may seem to be rather a gentle admonition, than a sharp rebuke. He may and ought plainly to declare her fault to her, but in mild and meek terms, without reviling, opprobrious and ignominious words.

Question. What if her fault be a heinous notorious sin?

Answer. In an extraordinary case some sharpness may be used: as the reproofs of Jacob, Job, and David do show, for they were every one of them sharp: but yet this sharpness must not be made bitter by any evil language. A woman's wickedness may not move a husband to be harsh, and outrageous; but rather to be the more watchful over himself, that he contain himself within the bounds of discretion and moderation. For which end it is meet that husbands lay it down for a rule, never to rebuke their wives when they are in passion. Passion raises a dark mist before the eyes of reason; which, while it remains, keeps reason from giving any good direction. Indeed passion is as a fire, and it so incenses a man, and disturbs him, that in his disorder he can keep no mean or measure. However a man be not able to rule himself when passion is stirred up, yet, if beforehand while his eye is single, and his whole body light, while he is in tune (as we speak) and well tempered, he resolutely determine with himself not to do such or such a thing in his passion; that foregoing resolution will be a special means to make him forbear doing that in passion, which if he should do, he could not in passion well order and moderate. For if once he begins to do a thing in passion, the least provocation that can be, will be as bellows to blow up that fire into a flame.

In regard of the violence of passion (wherein women by reason of the weakness of their judgment are for the most part most violent) it is also the part of a wise man to forbear this duty of reproving his wife even when she is in passion. For as it is needful that he should be in a condition to well give a reproof, so as needful it is that she should be in a condition to well take a rebuke. Passion both fills and festers one's heart. The heart then being full of passion, what room is left for good advice? Will a man pour wine into a vessel full of water, or stay, till all the water be drained out?

The heart also being so festered as it savors of nothing but passion, what good can then good advice do?

It is therefore a special point of wisdom, and shows a good respect that a man bears to his wife, indeed it savors of much meekness and moderation for a husband, well to weigh both his own and his wife's temper when he reproves her, and to forbear doing it while either he or she be in passion.

§. 39. Of indiscreet reproving a wife.

Contrary is the indiscretion of husbands who regard neither place, nor persons, nor time, nor temper of themselves or their wives, nor any other circumstance in reproving, but like Saul (who at a table where a great feast was, in presence of his nobles and captains, when he was enraged with anger, with most virulent and bitter speeches not rebuked only but reproached also his son, and that with such words as he spared not his own wife; for in his passion he called his son, son of the perverse rebellious woman (1 Samuel 20:30):) like this foolish and furious Saul, I say, they take the most open place of the family before children, servants, and the whole house, to reprove their wives; and that with such bitter and disgraceful terms, as either they provoke their wives to answer again for maintaining (as they think) their own credit and reputation, (thus Jonathan was provoked to answer his father again (1 Samuel 20:32):) or else give them of the house that behold her thus trampled under foot, occasion to set their feet also upon her.

Most husbands are forward enough to reprove, but few do it in meekness, and moderation. They cannot do it but in company, nor without bitter words. Many in rebuking their wives, stick not to use all the evil terms that they can think of, even such as tend not only to their wives' dishonor, but also to their own and their children's infamy. The reason of this is, because they never rebuke but when they are in passion, and so scarcely know what they do: whereby also they stir up passion in their wives, and yet for all that refrain not any whit the more, but rather grow more violent: as when the heat of two fires meet together, the flame must needs be the greater. This being the preposterous practice of many husbands, is it any marvel that ordinarily so little good, and so much hurt is done by reproving? No, would it not be a wonder, if any good, and no hurt should be done thereby? This therefore though it be a duty, yet a duty rarely and with great moderation to be used.

Thus far of a husband's mildness in his speeches to his wife.

Section 40: Of a husband's amiable countenance towards his wife.

A husband's carriage towards his wife must be answerable to his speech, or else all the mildness thereof will seem but complimentary.

A man's carriage comprises under it his countenance, gesture, and actions: in all which must mildness be seated.

1. His countenance in his wife's presence, and towards his wife, must be composed to an amiable pleasantness. His authority over her, and eminence above her, may not make him forget the near conjunction and union between them.

Under the face and countenance I comprise head, brow, eyes, lips and such other parts which are, according as they are framed, signs of amiableness, or discontentedness. Now among, and above other parts of the body, the outward composition of the countenance does soonest and best declare the inward disposition of the heart. By Esau's pleasant countenance Jacob perceived that he was pacified in his heart towards him, and thereupon said, I have seen your face as though I had seen the face of God, that is, an amiable, gracious countenance (Genesis 33:10). On this ground David desired God, to lift up the light of his countenance upon him, that thereby he might know the favor and love of God towards him (Psalm 4:6). On the other side by a frowning and lowering face, by hanging down the head, putting out the lips, with the like, anger, malice, grief, with other like affections of heart, are manifested: by Cain's casting down of his countenance God discerned anger and envy to be in his heart (Genesis 4:6): by Laban's countenance Jacob observed that his affection was turned from him (Genesis 31:2). A wife then beholding mildness and amiableness in her husband's face, beholds it as the face of God, and therein as in a looking glass beholds the kindness and love of his heart, and so has her heart thereby the more firmly knit to him, and is moved the more to respect him.

Section 41: Of husbands' too great austerity.

Contrary is 1. A lofty proud countenance, as of an imperious lord over his vassals.

2. A grim stern countenance, as of a judge over poor prisoners.

3. A lowering frowning countenance, as of a discontented [reconstructed: creditor] over a desperate debtor.

4. A fierce fiery countenance, as of an angry king over a [reconstructed: subject] that has displeased him.

These and such like countenances as they manifest a proud, stout, furious discontented disposition of heart, so they cannot but give great discontent to a wife, yea and much affright her being but a weak vessel, and alienate her heart and affection from him.

Section 42: Of a husband's familiar gesture with his wife.

2. A husband's gesture ought to be so familiar, and amiable towards his wife, as others may discern him to be her husband, and his wife may be provoked to be familiar with him. They which this way are ready to show themselves kind and mild husbands, are prone to exceed and so to fall into an extreme on the right hand: for some are never well but when they have their wives in their laps, ever hugging, kissing, and dallying with them, they care not in what company; thus they show more lightness, fondness, and dotage, than true kindness and love, which forgets not a husband-like gravity, sobriety, modesty and decency.

Some stick not to allege Isaac's sporting with Rebecca, to countenance their lasciviousness.

But they forget that what Isaac did, was when he and his wife were alone: he was seen through a window. Much greater liberty is granted to man and wife when they are alone, than in company. Besides there are many other ways to show kindness and familiarity, than by lightness and wantonness.

Section 43: Of a husband's strangeness to his wife.

Contrary to the familiarity I speak of, is (as we speak) strangeness, when a husband so carries himself towards his wife as if she were a stranger to him: if he comes in company where his wife is, of all other women he will not turn to her, nor take notice of her. This fault is so much the greater if such a man is of a free pleasant carriage, and uses to be merry and familiar with other women. Though his mirth and familiarity be such as is not unbecoming a Christian, yet his carriage being of another temper towards his wife, it may be a means to breed jealousy in her. Many think outward kind gesture towards wife to be fondness, but if they knew what a means it is to stir up, increase, and preserve love in a wife's heart to her husband, they would be otherwise minded.

Section 43: Of a husband's giving favors to his wife.

3. Actions are of all other the most real demonstrations of true kindness, wherein a husband must not fail, as he would have his kind speech, countenance, and gesture to be taken in the better part. Kindness and mildness in action consists in giving favors (as we speak) to his wife. This is expressly noted in Elkanah, who every year gave favors to his wives. Thus a husband as he testifies his love to his wife, so he will much provoke her to do all duty to him. A small gift, as an action of kindness freely given, not upon any debt, but in testimony of love, does more work on the heart of her to whom it is given, than much more given upon contract, or for a work done, whereby it may seem to be deserved.

In giving favors to a wife, a husband ought to be more bountiful and liberal, than to others, that so she may see thereby he loves her above all; as it is noted that Elkanah gave Hannah a worthy portion, because he loved her. And in giving favors it is best to bestow them with his own hands, unless he be absent from her.

Section 44. Of husbands beating their wives.

Contrary are the furious, and spiteful actions of many unkind husbands (heads too heady) whose favors are buffets, blows, strokes, and stripes: wherein they are worse than the venomous viper. For the viper for his mate's sake casts out his poison: and will not you, O husband, in respect of that near union which is between you and your wife, lay aside your fierceness and cruelty? Many wives by reason of their husbands' fury, are in worse case than servants: for

1. Such as will not give a blow to a servant, care not what load they lay upon their wives.

2. Where servants have but a time and term to be under the tyranny of such furious men, poor wives are tied to them all their life long.

3. Wives cannot have so good a remedy by the help of law against cruel husbands, as servants may have against cruel masters.

4. Masters have not such opportunity to exercise their cruelty over servants as husbands over wives, who are to be continually at board and bed with their husbands.

5. The nearer wives are, and the dearer they ought to be to their husbands, the more grievous must strokes needs be when they are given by a husband's hand, than by a master's.

6. The less power and authority that a husband has to strike his wife, than a master to strike a servant, the more heavy do his strokes seem to be, and the worse does the case of a wife seem to be in that respect, than of a servant. Not unfitly therefore is such a man (if he may be thought a man rather than a beast) said to be like a father-killer and mother-killer.

Question. May not then a husband beat his wife?

Answer. With submission to better judgments, I think he may not: my reasons are these.

1. There is no warrant throughout the whole Scripture by precept, or example for it: which argument though it be negative, yet for the point in hand is a forceable argument in two respects. 1. Because the Scripture has so plentifully and particularly declared the several duties of husbands and wives: and yet has delivered nothing concerning a husband's striking and beating his wife. 2. Because it has also plentifully and particularly spoken of all such as are to correct, and of their manner of correcting, and of their bearing correction who are to be corrected, and of the use they are to make thereof; and yet not anything at all concerning a husband's punishing, or a wife's bearing in this kind. The Scripture being so silent in this point, we may well infer that God has not ranked wives among those in the family who are to be corrected.

2. That small disparity which (as I have before shown) is between man and wife, permits not so high a power in a husband, and so low a servitude in a wife, as for him to beat her. Can it be thought reasonable that she who is the man's perpetual bed-fellow, who has power over his body, who is a joint parent of the children, a joint governor of the family, should be beaten by his hands? What if children or servants should know of it? (as they must needs: for how can such a thing be done in the house and they of the house know it not?) can they respect her as a mother, or a mistress who is under correction as well as they?

3. The near conjunction, and very union that is between man and wife suffers not such dealing to pass between them. The wife is as a man's self, they two are one flesh (Ephesians 5:31). No man but a frantic, furious, desperate wretch will beat himself. Two sorts of men are in Scripture noted to cut and lance their own flesh, idolaters, as the Baalites (1 Kings 18:28), and demoniacs, as he that was possessed with a legion of devils (Mark 5:5). Such are they who beat their wives, either blinded in their understanding, or possessed with a devil.

Objection. He that is best in his wits will suffer his body to be pinched, pricked, lanced, and otherwise pained, if it be needful and beneficial.

Answer. 1. A man's heart will not suffer him to do any of these himself: there are Surgeons whose office it is to do such things: if the Surgeon himself has need of any such remedy for his own body, he will use the help of another Surgeon. If the case so stand as a wife must needs be beaten, it is fitter for a husband to refer the matter to a public Magistrate (who is as an approved and licensed Surgeon) and not to do it with his own hands.

2. Though some parts of the body may be so dealt with, yet every part may not, as the heart, which the wife is to the man.

3. The comparison holds not. For the aforementioned pinching, lancing, etc. is no punishment for any fault, as the beating of a wife in question is, there is no question but a man that has skill may if need be open a vein, lance a boil, splint a broken bone, or disjointed joint in his wife's body, which may be more painful than correction: and herein the comparison holds, but not in the other.

2. Objection. There is as near a conjunction between Christ and his Church, as between man and wife: yet Christ does not forbear to correct and punish his Church.

Answer: There is a double relation between Christ and the Church: he is a husband to it, having made it of his flesh, and of his bones: and a supreme Lord over it, having all power in heaven and earth committed to him. In this latter respect he punishes, not in the former. A husband is not such a supreme Lord over his wife: therefore Christ's example is no warrant to him.

4. There is no hope of any good to proceed from a husband's beating of his wife: for where the party corrected is persuaded that the party which corrects has no authority or right so to do, it will not be brought patiently to take it: but will resist, and strive if it be possible to get the mastery. Let a stranger strike such a child of years or a servant as will patiently bear many strokes at a parent's or master's hand, they will turn again at that stranger, and endeavor to give him as good as he brings: now a wife having no ground to be persuaded that her husband has authority to beat her, what hope is there that she will patiently bear it, and be bettered by it? Or rather is it not likely that she will, if she can, rise against him, over-master him (as many do) and never do any duty aright? A fault in a wife is not taken away but increased by blows.

Objection: Smart and pain may make her dread her husband, stand in awe of him, and do her duty the better.

Answer: Such dread and awe becomes neither the place of a husband to exact it, nor the place of a wife to yield it. Though by force she may be brought to yield some outward subjection, yet inward hatred of her husband's person may be joined with it, which is as bad, if not worse, than outward disobedience.

Objection: She may be of so outrageous a disposition, as, but by force, she will not be kept in any compass.

1. Answer: It has been of old time answered, that no fault should be so great, as to compel a husband to beat his wife.

2. Answer: Other forcible means may be used besides beating by her husband's hands: she may be restrained of liberty, denied such things as she most affects, be kept up, as it were, in hold; and, if no other means will serve the turn, be put over to the Magistrate's hands, that if she be of so servile a disposition, as by no other means she will be kept under than by fear and force, by smart and pain, she may fear the Magistrate, and feel his hand, rather than her husband's.

Objection: If a wife grow so mannish, or rather mad, as to offer to strike and beat her husband, may he not in that case beat her to make her cease her outrage?

Answer: I doubt not but that that good provision which is made in law to preserve a man's life, may be applied to this purpose. The law simply condemns all murder; yet if a man be so assaulted, as there is no way to preserve his own life, but by taking away the life of him that assaults him, it condemns him not as a murderer, because he did it in defense of himself. So if a husband be set upon by his wife, it is lawful and expedient that he defend himself, and if he can do it no other way but by striking her, that is not to be reckoned an unlawful beating of her.

Section 45: Of a husband's bearing with his wife's infirmities.

Hitherto of the husband's avoiding of offense, a word concerning his bearing with offense.

A general duty it is, common to all of all sorts, to bear one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2): in which extent even a wife is to bear her husband's burden, because he, as everyone else, is subject to slip and fall, and so has need to be supported. Yet after a more special and peculiar manner does this duty belong to a husband, and that in two respects.

1. Of the two, he is more bound than his wife, because in relation to his wife he is the stronger: for she is the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7). But the strong are most bound to bear with the infirmities of the weak (Romans 15:1).

2. He is bound to bear with his wife more than with any other, because of that near conjunction which is between them: he that cannot bear with his wife, his flesh, can bear with no one. The reason alleged by the Apostle to move a man to dwell with his wife according to knowledge, and to give honor to her, intimated in this phrase, as to the weaker vessel, shows that this is a peculiar duty belonging to a husband, wherein, and whereby he may both manifest his knowledge and wisdom, and also do honor to his wife. For why is he put in mind of her weakness, but to show he should bear with her?

As that phrase intimates the duty, so also it intimates a good reason to enforce it. For precious things, of which we make high account, the weaker they be, the more tenderly and carefully they are handled, as china dishes and crystal glasses: and of all parts of the body, the eye is most tenderly handled. Now what things, what persons are more dear and precious than a wife? Yet withal she is a weak vessel: therefore she is much to be borne withal.

For a husband's better direction in this, difference must be made between infirmities: for some are natural imperfections, others are actual transgressions. Natural imperfections are inward (as slowness in conception, dullness in apprehension, shortness of memory, hastiness in passion, etc.) or outward (as lameness, blindness, deafness, or any other defect and deformity of body). These infirmities should breed pity, compassion, commiseration, yes and greater tenderness and respect, but no offense. Note Abraham's example in this case: his wife was barren, yet he despised her not for it, nor upbraided her with any such thing.

Actual transgressions are breaches of God's law: of which such are here meant, as are most directly tending to his own disquiet and disadvantage, as shrewishness, waywardness, niceness, stubbornness, etc. In the bearing of these must a husband especially show his wisdom, and that in various ways.

1. By using the best and mildest means he can to redress them, as meek admonition, seasonable advice, gentle entreaty, and compassionate affection. Elkanah supposing that his wife offended in her passion, thus dealt with her and supported her.

2. By removing the stone at which she stumbles, by taking away the occasion (so far as conveniently he can) which makes her offend. Thus Abram, and that by God's advice, put Hagar and her son out of the house, because they were an offense to Sarah.

3. By turning his eyes away (if the matter be not great, but such as may be tolerated) and taking no notice of the offence, but rather passing by it, as if he perceived it not. Solomon says, that it is a man's glory to pass over a transgression: and he exhorts a man not to give his heart to all the words that men speak.

4. By forgiving and forgetting it (if notice be taken thereof.) Jacob took notice of Rachel's rash, and contrary demand, for he rebuked her for it: yet in that he readily yielded to that which afterwards she moved him to, it appears that he forgave the offence, if not forgot it.

The best trial of a man's affection to his wife, and of his wisdom in ordering the same, is in this point of bearing with offences. Not to be offended with a wife that gives no offence is not praise-worthy: heathen men may go so far. Note what Christ says of this case, If you love them which love you, and do good to them that do good to you, what thanks and reward have you? for publicans, and sinners do the same: but gently to forbear, and wisely to pass over offences when they are given, not to be provoked when there is cause of provocation offered, is a true Christian virtue, a virtue befitting husbands better than any other kind of men.

§. 46. Of husbands testiness.

Contrary is testiness, and peevishness, when husbands are moved with the least provocation, like tinder catching fire at the least spark that falls upon it: indeed many are like gunpowder, which not only takes fire, but also breaks out into a violent flame, upon the least touch of fire: as gunpowder is dangerous to be kept in a house, so such husbands to be joined so nearly to wives as marriage joins them. If it be said, that as gunpowder does no hurt, if fire come not at it; so they are good and kind, if they be not provoked and displeased. I answer, that we have a proverb that says, The devil is good while he is pleased, yet it is not safe to have the devil too near. It is as impossible (considering man's weakness) that he should live and converse with any, and not give offence, as for flint stones long to beat and dash against one another, and no spark of fire to come from them. How then may it be thought possible for a wife, who is so continually conversant with her husband, and the weaker vessel, to live without giving him offence? It is no very kind speech, which husbands use, especially if they be told of their unkindness, Let my wife deserve favor, and she shall have it. How little favor would such husbands have of Christ their husband, if he should be of that mind towards them?

Thus far has been handled the first part of a husband's well managing his authority, by a tender respect of his wife.

The second is a provident care for her.

§. 46. Of a husband's provident care for his wife.

A husband that tenderly respects his wife, but providently cares not for her, shows more affection than discretion: he may have a kind heart, but he lacks a wise head. How then can he be a good head to his wife? Some present contentment she may have by him: but small profit and benefit can she reap from him. Those duties therefore which have been delivered must be done, but these that follow must by no means be left undone.

A husband's provident care is noted in that office of Christ, wherein a husband resembles him, namely, to be a Savior of the body, as has been before declared. It consists 1. In providing things needful for his wife. 2. In protecting her from things hurtful.

1. A careful providing of things needful, is a principal part of that honor, which husbands are to give to their wives. For where the Apostle says, that Elders are worthy of double honor, he means maintenance as well as reverence. The Apostle counts him worse than an infidel, that provides not for his own, and specially for those of his own house. Who are of a husband's house, if not his wife? In his house, who more properly his own, than his wife? If then a husband provides not for his wife, what is he to be accounted?

Great reason he should provide for her, because he has taken her from her parents and friends, and has received that portion which they allotted her, and has authority committed to him over her, and she is put in subjection under him: her friends having given away her portion, and their power over her, and committed all to him, will take no further care for her: she being in subjection under him cannot without him provide for herself. Who then shall provide for her if he does not, whose wholly and only she is?

Contrary is their mind, who take a wife only for their own content, or delight, or gain, and never think of that charge which together with a wife they take upon them. According to their mind is their practice: for when they have a wife they neglect her in every thing but what may stand with their own ends. Much have they to answer for: and so much the more, because a wife is a special pledge of God's favor.

§. 47. Of a husband's providing means of spiritual edification for his wife.

In this provident care which a husband ought to have of his wife, we will consider the [reconstructed: extent and continuance] thereof.

It ought to extend both to herself, and to others.

In regard of herself, to her soul and body.

For her soul, means of spiritual edification must be provided, and those both private and public. Private means, are holy and religious exercises in the house, as reading the word, prayer, catechizing, and such like; which being the spiritual food of the soul are to be every day, as our bodily food, provided and used. A husband as a master of a family must provide these for the good of his whole house; but as a husband, in special for the good of his wife: for to his wife, as well as to the whole house he is a King, a Priest, and a Prophet.

By himself therefore, for his wife's good, ought he to perform these things, or to provide that they may be done by some other. [reconstructed: Cornelius] himself performed those exercises. Micah hired a Levite (though his idolatry were evil, yet his care to have a Levite in his house was commendable.) The Shunammite's husband provided a chamber for the Prophet, and that especially for his wife's sake, for it was at her request.

Public means are the holy ordinances of God publicly performed by God's minister. The care of a husband for his wife in this respect is, so to order his habitation, and provide other needful things, as his wife may be made partaker thereof. It is expressly noted of Elkanah that he so provided for his wives, that they went with him every year to the house of God: the like is intimated of Joseph the husband of the virgin Mary. In those days there was a public place and house of God, where all God's people (however far they dwelt from it) were to resort every year: the places where Elkanah and Joseph dwelt were far remote from the house of God, yet they so provided, as not only themselves, but their wives also went to the public worship of God. Now there are many houses of God, places for the public worship of God, but yet through the corruption of our times, the ministry of the word (the most principal means of spiritual edification) is not everywhere to be enjoyed: therefore such ought a husband's care for his wife in this respect to be, as to dwell where she may have the benefit of preaching the word, or else so to provide for her, as she may weekly go where it may be had.

If men of wisdom and ability make a purchase, or build a house for their habitation, they will be sure it shall be where sweet rivers and waters are, and good pasture ground, and where all needful provision may be had. God's word preached is a spring of water of life; the place where it is preached a pleasant, profitable pasture; all needful provision for the soul may there be had. Let this therefore be most of all inquired after: and no habitation settled but where this may be had.

§ 48. Of neglecting their wives' edification.

Contrary is their practice, who having their calling in places where the word is plentiful, yet upon outward respects of pleasure, delight, ease, and profit, remove their families into remote places where preaching is scarce, if at all; and there leave their wives to govern the family, not regarding their want of the word, for as much as they themselves often coming to London or other like places by reason of their calling, enjoy the word themselves. Many citizens, lawyers, and others are guilty of great neglect of their wives in this respect.

So also are they, who abandon all religious exercises out of their houses, making their houses rather dens of the devil, than churches of God. If for want of means, either public or private, a wife live and die in ignorance, profaneness, infidelity, and impenitence, which cause eternal damnation, assuredly her blood shall be required at his hands: for a husband is God's watchman to his wife.

§ 49. Of a husband's providing things needful for his wife's body.

To the body also must a husband's provident care of his wife extend: and that both in health and sickness. In health by providing such things as are needful to preserve health, as competent food, clothing, and the like necessaries. Where the Prophet to aggravate the misery of the people says, "Seven women shall take hold of one man, saying, We will eat our own bread, and wear our own apparel, only let us be called by your name," he intimates that it was a husband's duty to provide bread and apparel, that is, all necessaries for his wife. Which the law also implies, where it enjoins him that takes one wife upon another, not to diminish the food and clothing of the former. In sickness such things are to be provided as are needful either to recover her health, or to comfort, cherish and refresh her in her sickness.

This was before noted among common mutual duties; for by virtue of the matrimonial bond it belongs both to man and wife: but to the man it appertains by virtue of that power and charge which he has over his wife: and therefore it was needful here to be touched.

§ 50. Of a husband's provident care for his wife about her child-bearing.

Most proper to this place is that provident care which husbands ought to have of their wives both before and in the time of their travail and child-bed: and that in two things especially.

1. In procuring for their wives to the uttermost of their power and ability, such things as may satisfy their longing, in case they do long (as in all ages women in the time of breeding and bearing child, have been subject thereto.) For it is well known, that it is very dangerous both for mother and child to want her longing: the death sometimes of the one, sometimes of the other, sometimes of both has followed thereupon.

2. In providing such things as are needful for their travail and lying in child-bed. This time is especially to be provided for, in many respects.

1. Because it is a time of weakness, wherein the woman cannot well provide for herself.

2. Because her weakness is joined with much pain: the pain of a woman in labor is the greatest pain that ordinarily is endured by any for the time: none know it so well as they that feel it: and many husbands because they are not subject to it, think but lightly of it: but if we duly weigh that the Holy Ghost when he would set forth the extremity of any pains and pangs, resembles them to the pains of a woman in labor, we may well gather, that of all they are the greatest: which is further manifested by the shrieks and outcries which not only weak, and faint-hearted women utter in the time of their labor, but also are forced from the strongest, and stoutest women that be, and that though before hand they resolve to the contrary. Neither may we wonder at that; for their body is as it were set on a rack (if at least the labor be sharp) and all their parts so stretched, as a wonder it is they should ever recover their health and strength again: or that they should hold out the brunt, and not die with their labor, as Rachel, and the wife of Phinchas, and many in all ages have done. Surely among ordinary deliverances I know none so near a miracle, none wherein the Almighty does so evidently manifest his great power and good providence, as in the safe delivery of women. Besides the great pang of labor, women are also after their delivery subject to many after-throws which are very painful. From all these pains and great weakness which befalls women in childbed, especially if they nurse their children, men by reason of their sex are freed: Now then to apply this point, seeing women are brought to such pains and weakness in bringing forth those children which are the man's as well as hers, and he freed from all; is it not very just and fitting that he should provide all things needful for her welfare, ease, and recovery of strength?

3. Because the want of things needful is at that time very dangerous: dangerous to the health and life of the woman and child also.

§. 51. Of neglecting wives in their weakness.

Contrary to a husband's provident care in general are those vices which were taxed in the treatise of common duties, as grudging at the charges bestowed on a wife: Covetousness, Prodigality, and Idleness.

But contrary in particular to a husband's care for his wife in childbed, is the inhumane and more than barbarous unkindness of many husbands, who no whit consider the weakness of their wives in this case, to help, ease, and comfort them, but rather make their burden much more heavy. For,

1. Some through covetousness refuse before hand to afford means to their wife to provide such things as are needful for herself and child: and when the time comes, if their wife be desirous of a Midwife that requires somewhat more charges than she that is next, she shall have none if she will not have the next. And as for a nurse to tend her, they think their Maid will serve the turn well enough: they need not be at the charges to bring a Nurse into the house. In regard of convenient lodging some will not stick to say, Cannot my wife be brought to bed in a room without a chimney as well as the Virgin Mary? Why should my wife need more things than she did? And further there be many that when the time that their wife should be delivered approaches near, carry her from all her friends into a place where she is not known, lest her friends should by importunity draw him to expend and lay out more upon his wife than he is willing. In the time while their wife is weak in childbed, many are loath to allow them any other diet than is for themselves and children provided in the house, not considering that her stomach cannot be like theirs.

Many other such bitter fruits of unkind husbands arising from covetousness might be reckoned up, whereby husbands plainly show that they love their wealth better than their wives: they had rather lose them, than part with that.

2. Others through jealous suspicion forbear not even in the time of their wives' pain and weakness, to upbraid them with lightness, and to say that the child is none of theirs. To lay this to a wife's charge unjustly, is at any time a most shameful and odious reproach: but in the time of childbirth whether just or unjust, a thing too, too spiteful and vengeful. Some wives are so far overcome thereby, (especially in the time of their weakness) as they are not able to bear it, but even faint and die under the reproach: others more stout vow never to know their husbands again. Many like mischiefs follow on such unkindness.

§. 52. Of a husband's providing for his wife according to his estate and ability.

In a husband's providing for the body of his wife respect must be had to the measure, and to the manner.

The measure must extend to his ability: for a husband ought to maintain his wife in as good an estate and fashion as himself; by marriage she is advanced to as high an estate, and dignity in relation to others as he is: and for her own use she is made a partner of all his goods, and accordingly ought to partake thereof.

For the manner, he must allow her (if at least he observes her to have any competent discretion) to order such things as are needful for herself according to her best liking: as Elkanah in another case said to his wife, Do what seems best to you.

Both in the measure and in the manner of providing, there must be a difference put between a wife, and servants or children. These may have their portions of meat, apparel, and like necessaries, proportioned out and allotted to them, which is unfit to be done to a wife. Neither is it needful that so plentiful a provision be made for them as for her.

§. 53. Of a husband's niggardliness to his wife.

Contrary is a husband's niggardly dealing with his wife: when the allowance she has is both far under his estate, and also so given her by little and little, as if she were a child. Many husbands make their wives drudge at home, fare hardly, and go meanly; who are themselves fine in apparel, merry in their feasting abroad, and so exceed their wives as they are ashamed to be seen in company with them. They who marry their maids, or others of meaner rank than themselves, oft so deal with them: esteeming them but as servants and mean persons though they be their wives. But it has been before shown, that wives by marriage are advanced to their husband's dignity, however mean they were before.

§. 54. Of husbands allowing their wives to bestow on others, as they see good occasion.

So far ought the provident care of a husband for his wife to extend, as she may have (beside things needful to herself) to bestow on such as it is requisite for her to give to: as namely, on children and servants in the house, and others also out of the house. For so much is noted in Solomon's description of a good wife; she gives meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens: all her household is clothed with scarlet (namely, by her ordering and disposing the matter.) Her children rise up and call her blessed, as for her general carriage in the family, so for her particular favors bestowed on themselves. As for others out of the house, it is also noted, that she stretches out her hand to the poor, and reaches forth her hands to the needy. These things she did by virtue of that power and liberty which her husband gave her: as appears by two points there noted:

1. In that before any mention is made of those things which she did, it is said, The heart of her husband does safely trust in her.

2. In that, after all her good deeds are reckoned up, it is said, Her husband praises her.

After this pattern it is meet that other husbands (whose wives are wise and faithful) should deal with their wives: that in the house they might have the more honor of children and servants: and that out of the house they might give the better trial of their charity.

For considering the many excellent promises that are made to works of mercy and charity, and the many terrible threatenings that are denounced not only against such as exercise cruelty, but also against such as show no mercy: considering also that wives together with their husbands, are heirs of the grace of life, it is very needful, indeed even necessary, that they should manifest their faith by some work of mercy and charity. Now unless her husband does give to her something at her own discretion to bestow on others, [reconstructed: true and thorough trial] of her merciful and charitable mind cannot be made. If she give of that which her husband has reserved to himself, as her giving is unlawful, so she may be thought liberal, not because she is merciful, but because notwithstanding her liberality she parts with nothing of her own: indeed though she have a general consent to give as she sees cause of the common goods of the family, yet is not that so sure and sound a trial of her charity, and mercifulness, as if she had something of her own which she might retain or give away as pleases herself; and what she gives not away, lay up as her own stock proper to herself. For there is naturally such a self-love in man, and a desire to keep that which is proper to oneself, that he is very loath to part with any of it, unless conscience and grace alter this corruption of nature, and so move him readily to lay out something on charitable uses. But otherwise of that which in whole or in part belongs to another (be that other, husband, parent, master, friend, or any else) he is easily moved to be liberal and bountiful: a man will willingly cut a large thong (as we speak) out of another's leather.

It is known that many children and servants, who, when they come to be possessors of their own, are very niggards and misers, have been liberal of their parents and masters' goods to the poor. Indeed partners in a stock will be much more forward in giving away that which is common with another, than that which is proper to each of them. The truest trial of a merciful and charitable heart lies in the distribution of that which is proper to oneself.

It is therefore meet upon this very ground, that a husband should according to his ability let his wife have some stock, and portion of her own, free to herself to dispose as she sees good: intimating to her that the principal end why he provides so plentifully for her, is, that she may show forth the fruits of her faith by some works of charity: and exhorting her so to do. Many religious, wise, kind husbands thus do: some giving quarterly allowance in money to their wives, others giving their wives power to receive a certain portion of rent out of certain lands or houses; others making their wives an absolute estate of some inheritance, and suffering them to receive the profits and revenues thereof; others giving them certain fees of their offices, or of their trade; others, that are poor, suffering them to work for themselves, and dispose their earnings as they see cause: some one way, some another: every one in his place best knows the means how to gratify his wife in this kind: it shall be sufficient for me to have laid down the general rule.

§. 55. Of husbands' too great straitness over their wives.

Contrary is their strait-handedness to their wives, who allow them no more than may be for their own private use. They think it a great matter and as much as a husband is bound to do, to let her have apparel, meat and drink, and such necessaries as are befitting her rank, but all other overplus they think needless. Thus their wives are not only deprived of means to gain respect of their children and servants at home, and to gratify such as are obedient and ready to do service to them, but also to perform such works of mercy as both opportunity requires, and also their conscience moves them to do. Indeed many wives of rich husbands are brought to great shame hereby, in that being in places where there is just occasion of contributing to some charitable use, and by reason of their rich and costly apparel it is expected they should be bountiful, they have not anything at all to bestow. The fault of some husbands in this respect is great many ways. As 1. in that they bring shame and grief to their wives, whom they ought with all tenderness to respect. 2. In that they dishonor their own places: for they who take notice of this straitness to their wives, will be ready to judge them both covetous, and unkind. 3. The omitting of that work of mercy which their wives should have done shall be laid to their charge: they shall hear that dreadful doom; Go you cursed into everlasting fire, for I was hungered and you fed me not etc. And if they answer, When saw we you hungered etc. it shall be replied, In that you suffered not your wives to do it, you did it not.

Thus much of the extent of a husband's provident care for the good of his wife. It follows to speak of the continuance thereof.

§. 57. Of a husband's care to provide for his wife so long as she shall live.

The continuance of a husband's provident care for his wife must be so long as she lives, yes though she outlive him: not that he can actually when he is dead provide for her, but that he may before his death so provide for her, as she may have wherewithal to maintain herself, and to live according to that place to which by him she is advanced: at least that he leave her not only so much as he had with her, but something more also in testimony of his love to her, and care for her. Husbands have the example of Christ to press this duty upon them: for when he went away from his Church here on earth, he left his Spirit, which furnished it with gifts as plentifully, as if Christ had still remained with her, if not more abundantly.

For the better performance of this duty, husbands which die before their wives, must observe among other things two especially.

1. That plainly and expressly they declare their mind and will before they die, lest their wives should be circumvented and defrauded of that which they intended them. Thus did David upon the motion of Bathsheba, he settled his estate, and caused Bathsheba's son to be actually crowned before he himself gave up the Ghost: which he did, as for other weighty reasons, so in particular for his wife's good, as may be gathered from that reason she alleged to the King in these words; "Else when my Lord the King shall sleep with his fathers, I shall be reputed vile."

2. That he request some faithful friend in his stead to be a helper to her; (as Christ commended his mother to his disciple John) which will be needful in regard of her weakness, by reason of her sex, and want of experience to manage such affairs especially as are out of the house.

At the time of a man's departure out of this world from his wife, will the truest trial of his affection to his wife be given: for many that bear their wives fair in hand while they live with them, at their death show that there was no soundness of affection in their heart towards them: all was but a mere show for some by-respects.

Section 58: Of husbands' neglect of their wives' future estate.

Contrary are diverse practices of unkind husbands.

1. Some through improvidence, unthriftiness and prodigality, disable themselves from doing good to their wives after their death; and so leave their wives nothing, or (that which is worse than nothing) in debt, and with a great charge of children. That care which husbands ought to have of their wives should make them think beforehand of the time to come, and even for their wives' sake be somewhat the more diligent, thrifty, and provident, and cut off many unnecessary expenses, else their sin is doubled. 1. By a needless wasting their estate. 2. By neglecting their wives.

2. Others by fawning, or forcing means draw their wives to yield up that interest they have in money, goods, house or land by jointure, inheritance, or any other way, and yet make them no sufficient recompense in another kind: but at their death leave their wives in a far worse estate than they were in before marriage, beside a greater charge than they had before. As this is a great part of unkindness, so also a main point of injustice.

3. Others grudging against the laws under which they live for providing for a wife by thirds or otherwise, use all the fraudulent means they can to deprive her of that which otherwise the law would lay upon her. The civil political laws of the place where we live ought to be the rule of our civil actions (so far as they are not repugnant to God's word) and we ought for conscience sake to be subject to them. Besides, a husband ought (though the law forced him not) to leave at least the thirds to his wife, as a testimony of his love to her, and care for her: so as this also is a double fault. 1. A transgression of the law. 2. A note of unkindness.

4. Others having aged and sickly wives, or otherwise thinking that their wives may, or rather hoping that their wives will die before themselves, put off the making of their wills of purpose that they might not put in their wives' thirds, but dispose them some other way. Besides that these husbands show no good affection towards their wives, they provoke God to disappoint them of their hopes: and so he does often-times: for he takes them away before their wives, and so takes them away, as having no time to make their will, not only their wives enjoy their thirds (which they so much desired to avoid) but also some other (whom of all in their lifetime they disliked) seize upon the other two parts.

Section 58: Of a husband's protecting his wife from danger.

Having shown how a husband is to provide things needful for his wife: it remains to show how he is to protect her from things hurtful.

In regard of that protection which a husband owes his wife, he is called the veil of her eyes: which phrase as it implies subjection on the wife's part, so also protection on the husband's: to protect one, is as it were, to cover them, namely, from danger; to be negligent and careless of them, is, as it were, to lay them open to danger. The same duty is implied under another like phrase of spreading his wing over his wife. The metaphor is taken from winged fowls, which to keep their young ones from hurt, use to spread their wings over them: this phrase and metaphor is also attributed to God, to set forth his protection.

But most pertinent to this purpose is the title, Savior, given to a husband in relation to his wife.

For this end the Lord who subjected a woman to her husband, gave to his sex greater strength, courage and boldness than to hers, that he might protect her which is the weaker vessel. In this duty of protection Christ shows himself an excellent pattern and president to husbands.

The better to perform this duty, a husband must be careful,

1. To prevent, as much as he may, such dangers as his wife is like to fall into.

2. To recover her out of such as she has fallen into.

For this purpose did David carry his wives into Gath, lest, if they were left in Israel, Saul should work them some mischief: and again, when they were taken by the Amalekites, he recovered them.

According to that danger to which wives are subject, must a husband's care of protecting his wife be manifested.

1. If she be in danger to be seduced and enticed, as Eve was, by any evil instruments of the devil, as Jesuits, Priests, Friars, profane, blasphemous, lascivious, or riotous persons; his care must be either to keep them away that they come not at her, or to put them away from her as soon as he can: he may not suffer them to harbor in his house.

2. If by any sleight she be drawn from his house, he must seek her, and fetch her again, as the Levite did his wife: or cause her (if he can) to be brought home again, as David caused Michal to be brought: especially if they be taken away by force, as Ahinoam, and Abigail, David's wives, were.

3. If she be unjustly slandered, he is to maintain her credit and reputation as much as his own: as Christ accounts himself despised, when his Church is, so must he. This care must he have of his wife's credit, even after her death, as well as while she lives.

4. Whatever other mischief is intended or practiced against her, he must be a tower of defense to protect her, (as Ahasuerus was to Esther against Haman) and that not only against strangers without the house, but also against children and servants in the house. Children grown to years, that are stout and stubborn, will be ready to rise up against their mother, especially if she be a mother-in-law, because she is the weaker sex: the countenance of a father for the most part keeps most in awe. Therefore the husband must be a help to his wife, and maintain her honor against them: yes, though they be children of a former wife.

Section 59. Of a husband's maintaining his wife against children of a former venter, and servants.

Object. Mothers-in-law often prove unkind, and unjust stepmothers, and deal unmercifully with their husbands' children: must a husband in such cases assist his wife against his children?

Answ. The protection I speak of, is in case a wife be wronged, then her husband is to do what he can to right her (as we speak). But if she be the wrong-doer, he may by no means bolster her up against his children, and so make their wrong the greater. Yet so far ought he to respect his wife, as by all the fair means he can, to labor to pacify her mind, and turn her heart towards them: and if he observe her heart to be completely alienated from them, then to put them out to be brought up in some other place, and so to take away from her the object of her displeasure, that he and she may live more quietly together. For if a man must forsake father and mother, he must also forsake children, and cleave to his wife. Peace and unity between man and wife must of all other be kept inviolable. Though you cast away all, nothing can happen more troublesome to you than not to have a quiet wife at home. You can find no sin more grievous than to have contention with a wife.

If a wife must be maintained against the stubbornness of children, much more against the insolence of servants: for which purpose the example of Abraham is recorded, whose servant might have a privilege above others, because he had made her his bedfellow; yet when she grew insolent against her mistress, first he put her into his mistress's hand to do to her as it pleased her; and afterwards he cast her out of his house.

Section 60. Of neglecting to maintain their wives.

Contrary is a dissolute carelessness of husbands, who care no more to help and succor their wives than any other.

1. Some more fear to offend their wives than they care to do them good, and in that respect they let any sort of people come to their wives that are welcome to them. If Magistrates in a Commonwealth shall answer for suffering seducers to come into their dominions to deceive their people, much more shall husbands answer for suffering them to come and deceive their wives. 1. Because they have a greater charge over their wives than Magistrates over their people. 2. Because wives ought to be dearer to husbands than people to Magistrates. 3. Because they may sooner spy them in their house, than Magistrates in the Commonwealth. 4. Because they may be much more easily kept out of a house, than out of a Commonwealth, or a city.

2. Others care not where their wives wander: and if they do go out of their house, they shall never be sought after by their husbands: though this may be a just punishment on wandering wives, yet is it not just for husbands so to deal with them. If Christ our husband should so deal with us, we should soon be lost: for we often go astray like wandering sheep, but he is that good shepherd, who seeks after the lost sheep until he finds it.

3. No marvel then that many husbands are no more affected with the ill reports and rumors raised against their wives, when they so little regard who comes to them, or where they go. Assuredly the discredit of a wife will turn to the man's dishonor: for as a virtuous wife is a crown to her husband, so by the rule of contraries, an infamous wife is a shame to her husband. If therefore not for his wife's sake, yet for his own sake a man ought not too carelessly pass over the ill reports which are raised against his wife.

4. There are such unkind husbands as are moved with no ill usage done to their wives, nor will hear any complaint that they make to them: yes, if they see them misused, they will either not seem to see it, or but smile at it, and so go their way, and suffer their wives to right themselves as well as they can. As this becomes not any Christian to suffer his neighbor to be wronged, (for it is noted as a commendable matter in Moses, that when he saw two Hebrews striving together, he took his part that had wrong done to him, and reproved the other) so much [reconstructed: less] a husband, to whose safe-guard his wife is committed. Nature teaches us that the head is as much affected with a wrong [reconstructed: done] to the body, as to itself: so ought a husband.

5. As the wrong which is done by those who are in subjection in the house under the wife, is greater than that which is done by strangers: so is the husband's fault the greater in suffering it: for he has more power over them in his house, than over others. What then may we think of such, as either by their connivance, or by taking part against their wives, suffer both children and servants to insult over them? Assuredly those husbands themselves will find some taste of the bitter and evil fruit thereof: and that not only by that great discontent which their wives must needs take thereat; but also by that contempt which will follow on their own persons, both by their wives (who cannot think them fit heads to govern others) but also by their children and servants, who thereby will take occasion to wax proud, and presumptuous against him. By despising the weaker, men grow by little and little to despise the stronger. This men of wisdom and experience well know: whereupon in commonwealths and policies governed by wise men, the authority of inferior magistrates is upheld and maintained: superior magistrates will not suffer them who are in authority under them to be despised: for it is well known, that it tends not to the honor and ease only, but to the safety also of the supreme magistrate, to have the power and authority of inferior magistrates respected, and not trampled under feet. It argues therefore both want of affection, and of discretion and understanding in husbands, to suffer child, servant, or any other in the house, to insult over their wives, who are joint governors with them over the house.

Section 61. Of a husband's first beginning to love his wife.

The general matter together with the particular kinds of husband's duties being thus far handled, the manner also of performing them is to be delivered.

To instruct a husband in the manner of performing his duties to his wife, the Apostle lays down two patterns: 1. Christ, verse 25; 2. Ourselves, verse 28.

As Christ loves his Church, and as we love ourselves, so must men love their wives.

That we may the better follow these patterns, we must distinctly note how Christ loves his Church, and how we love ourselves.

The love of Christ to his Church is commended to us in six several points: which are

1. The order; 4. The quality thereof. 2. The truth; 5. The quantity. 3. The cause; 6. The continuance.

1. For the order, Christ began to love his Church: he [reconstructed: manifested] his love to her before she loved him: as the air heated by the sun is hot, and a wall on which the sun-beams strike, gives a reflection of heat back again: so the Church, as it were heated and warmed at heart by the sense of Christ's love, loved him, as the Apostle expressly notes (We love him because he loved us first (1 John 4:19)): and the Church herself acknowledges saying, Because of the savor of your good ointments (wherewith we are revived, and cheered) the virgins love you (Song of Solomon 1:2).

There is in us by nature no spark of love at all: if Christ by his loving of us first, did not instill love into us, we could no more love him than a living bird rise out of a cold egg, if it were not kept warm by the dam sitting upon it.

Thus must a husband first begin to love his wife. His place of eminence, and authority requires, that he should be to his wife, a guide, which title is expressly given to him by the Holy Spirit, to teach him to go before her, and by his example to instruct, and incite her to do her duty. What a shame would it be for a man who is the image and glory of God, the head of his wife, in the same place to her that Christ is to his Church, to be provoked by his wife's wife-like carriage (she being the weaker vessel, under him, to learn of him) to love her? Reasons there are to stir up a wife to endeavor to prevent her husband in doing her duty, which if she does, it is the greater glory to her; but this pattern of Christ should stir him much more to strive to go before her.

Section 62. Of husbands repaying unkindness for love.

Contrary, is their disposition, who having loving and dutiful wives, are notwithstanding nothing moved to love them again: but are as unkind and churlish as if they had the most peevish, and perverse wives that could be. But what shall we say of such as love their wives the less, yes and hate them for their forwardness to love, and (in testimony of true love) to perform all good duty? What, but that they are very devils incarnate? For it is the devil's property to overcome good with evil. These make the doctrine of a wife's subjection to seem harsh, and a careful performance thereof, a heavy burden. Never shall they partake of Christ's love, that in their place show themselves so unlike to Christ.

Section 63. Of the truth of husband's love.

2. The truth of Christ's love was manifested by the fruits thereof to his Church: He gave himself for it (verses 26-27). It was therefore not in word only, no nor only in heart, but in deed also. Thus his love proved profitable, and beneficial to his Church, which thereby was cleansed, and made a glorious Church. Had he only borne a tender compassion and pitiful affection towards it, or labored only with comfortable and sweet words to uphold and succor it, it had still lain polluted with sin, in the power of the devil, and under God's wrath, and so received no profit and benefit at all.

So must husbands love their wives in truth and in deed. Such a love is required of a man to his brother: much more therefore to his wife, who is not only a sister (as the Apostle expressly calls her (1 Corinthians 9:5)) but nearer than sister, mother, daughter, friend, or any other whatever. This therefore serves to press the practice of all the aforementioned duties pertaining to a husband (1 John 3:18).

Section 64. Of husbands' dissimulation.

Contrary is their dissimulation and hypocrisy, who make great show of much love, and pretense of earnest affection, using many outward compliments, but fail when they come to the truest trial, the deed. Some like suitors or wooers, will promise mountains, but not perform molehills: others will embrace and kiss their wives much, but trust them with nothing, nor provide for them things requisite: there are that will weep much when their wives are sick, yet not afford medicine and such like things for their recovery: yes many will carry a fair face all their life long towards their wives, and at their death leave them nothing to live by.

Hence it is that many who by others are accounted to be very kind husbands, are by their wives found to be far otherwise. If trial be made of husbands' love by their practice and performance of the aforementioned duties, it will be found that they for the most part come as far short in love, as wives in subjection.

§. 65. Of the freeness of husbands' love.

4. The cause of Christ's love, was his love, as Moses notes, He set his love on you, because he loved you. His love arose only, and wholly from himself, and was every way free: as there was nothing in the Church, before Christ loved her to move him to love her, so can there be nothing that he could hope for afterwards, but what himself bestowed. Indeed he delights in that righteousness with which, as with a glorious robe, she is clothed; and with those heavenly graces, with which as with precious jewels she is decked: but that righteousness, and those graces are his own, and of his free gift, He presents it to himself a glorious Church.

In imitation of this, husbands should love their wives, though there were nothing in wives to move them so to do, but only that they are their wives: indeed though no future benefit could after be expected from them: true love has respect to the object which is loved, and the good it may do to it, rather than to the subject which loves, and the good that it may receive. For love seeks not her own.

Christ's love in this branch thereof should further move husbands to do what lies in their power, to make their wives worthy of love: thus will it be in truth said, that they dwell with their wives according to knowledge: and thus will their [reconstructed: love] appear to be as Christ's love, free.

§. 66. Of husbands loving for advantage.

Contrary is their love which is only for their own content and advantage. Many can love no further than they may have some bait to allure their affections, as beauty, wealth, honor, or the like by-respects; or at least hope of some inheritance or portion above that which they have, or of some favor that they expect from their wives' friends. This cannot be a true sound love: such a man may be thought to love his wife's beauty, inheritance, and friends rather than his wife. This love cannot last.

§. 67. Of the purity of husbands' love.

4. Christ's love for the quality is a holy, pure, chaste love: as he himself is, so is his love, as is evident by the effect thereof: for it moved him to sanctify and cleanse his Church, to make it a glorious Church without spot: he did therefore no way pollute or defile his Spouse: and that his love might the better appear to be chaste love, cast only upon one Spouse and not many, he united all his Saints together by the bond of his Spirit, and made them all one body.

Hereby husbands must learn so to be affected towards their wives as may stand with holiness, and chastity: though much love be required, yet it may not overflow those banks. Marriage is honorable and a bed undefiled. It must therefore be used as an undefiled thing. This indeed pertains to the wife as well as to the husband. But because he is the head, and guide of his wife, and ought to be as a pattern and precedent before her, as Christ is before him, therefore is it more specially applied to him. The purity of a husband's love here spoken of, has a double use,

1. It restrains a husband's love to his own wife. There is a general Christian love by which all occasions of doing good are taken, with which a husband may, and ought to love others: and a particular matrimonial love, by which he is moved to prefer his wife before all, and to have his heart set and fixed on her, and so proper and peculiar to her.

2. It orders and moderates his love, so as it turns not into sinful lust, by which that estate, (which in itself by virtue of God's ordinance, is holy) is polluted.

§. 68. Of husbands' lightness.

Contrary, is not only adultery, of which we have spoken before, but also wantonness, lightness, and uncleanness with his wife. For many intemperate and unchaste husbands, giving the reins to their headstrong lusts, manifest as much unseemliness and plain filthiness in their words, gestures, and actions (to say nothing of their thoughts which are not seen) to their wives, as others do to strumpets and harlots which is a most shameless thing, and I am even ashamed to mention: but because it is mentioned, let such know, that they shall be accounted among such whoremongers and adulterers as God will judge.

§. 69. Of husbands loving their wives more than themselves.

The quantity of Christ's love cannot be expressed: for the measure of it was above measure. He gave himself for his Church, and in that respect he calls himself that Good Shepherd that gave his life for his sheep. Greater love than this has no man. What will not he do for his spouse, that gave his life for her?

This may seem to be too high a strain, and pitch of love for a husband to attain to: a matter in which he is to leave his pattern, and not to follow Christ: but yet Saint John adds even this extent to the love of our brethren: We ought (says he) to lay down our lives for the brethren: therefore by just consequence for our wives. But that this extent be not stretched too far, and husbands cast into a pit of needless peril, two cautions must be noted,

1. That there be an absolute necessity, to bring us to this strait of parting with our life: which is, when the good we aim at in the behalf of our wives cannot any other way be effected, but by venturing our life. There was no other way to redeem the Church, but by the blood of Christ.

2. That the good we intend in this case to our wives be of greater value than our temporal life: as is the good of her soul, the saving of it. Thus the Apostle says, I will most gladly be spent for your souls. Which mind men must much more bear towards their wives. It was for our salvation that Christ gave himself.

§. 70. Of husbands' unkindness.

Contrary is their unkindness that prefer every trifle of their own before the good of their wives: their profit, their pleasure, their promotion, clean draw away their hearts and affections from their wives. If any extraordinary charge must be laid out, or pains taken for their wives' good, little love will then appear: whereby it appears that there was no true and sound love settled in their hearts towards their wives. As gold and other like metals are tried by the fire, so love by afflictions and crosses.

§. 71. Of combats in pretense of wives' honor.

Contrary in another extreme is the over-bold and over-headstrong pretended manhood of such husbands as upon every jealous surmise and slight report, are ready to make challenges of fight, and to enter into single combats and duels, on pretense of maintaining their wives' honor. This being no warrantable course of righting a wrong, no honor can come to the wife thereby, but much dishonor and danger to the husband. If he prevail over his adversary and kill, he is made guilty of murder thereby, and so reproach and shame must needs come to himself, wife, and whole family: if he be overcome and slain, she may be reputed more guilty than she was before. And often it falls out that God in just judgment gives over the challenger into his adversary's hand, because he has undertaken so indirect a course.

Section 72: Of husbands' constancy in love.

6. The continuance of Christ's love was without date: Having loved his own, he loved them to the end. His love was constant (not by fits, now loving, then hating) and everlasting (never repenting thereof, never changing or altering his mind) — no provocations, no transgressions could ever make him forget to love, and cease to do that good which he intended for his Church: note what he said to her even when she revolted from him, "You have played the harlot with many lovers, yet return again to me" (Hosea 2:19; Jeremiah 3:1): and again, "My mercy shall not depart away" (John 13:1; 2 Samuel 7:15).

For his love rests not on the desert of his Church, but on the unchangeableness of his own will. As this manifested Christ's love to be true sound love, so it made it profitable and beneficial to the Church, which, notwithstanding her many frailties, by virtue hereof is glorified.

This last branch must be added to all the former branches of a husband's love, or else they will be all in vain and to no purpose. This gives the truest trial of sound love. Such was the love between David and Jonathan: the soundest love that ever was, between party and party. This brings the greatest glory to the party which loves: and the greatest benefit to the party which is loved. That a man's love may thus remain firm and inviolable,

1. He must be sure to lay a good foundation; he must ground his love on God's ordinance: and love his wife in regard of the matrimonial bond which knits them together, and that near union which from there arises; and so it will last so long as that knot lasts.

2. He must further support and strengthen it with an inviolable resolution to be changed and altered with no provocation, but rather to pass by all infirmities; endeavoring in love to redress them if possibly he can: if not, to bear with them.

Section 73: Of husbands' variableness.

Contrary is their variableness, whose love is ready to turn as a weather vane with every blast of a contrary wind: now tender-hearted, then again hard-hearted: now smiling, then frowning: now giving this and that favor, then denying everything, even such things as are needful.

Many whose love was as hot as fire while their wives were young, or their friends lived, or while they pleased them, when those occasions are taken away, prove in their love as cold as ice.

Again others by some continuance in doing good to their wives, think it a burden: and growing weary, clean leave off their former good course; which plainly shows that they never truly and entirely loved their wives.

By this pattern of Christ here set forth to husbands, we have on the one side a good direction to teach us how to love our wives, as has been particularly declared; and on the other side, matter of humiliation, in that it shows us how far short we come of our bounden duty. However, wives may most complain of their burden, because it is a subjection thereto by nature we are all loath to yield: yet I am sure the heaviest burden is laid upon the husband's shoulders: and much more easy it is to perform the part of a good wife, than a good husband.

Section 74: Of husbands' loving their wives as themselves.

To the example of Christ the Apostle annexes the pattern of one's self, in these words: "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies" (Ephesians 5:28).

Question: Is not the former pattern sufficient? Is this latter more excellent, or more perfect?

Answer: Christ's example is a full, complete, perfect, and every way sufficient pattern; far more excellent than this of a man's self: this is not annexed to add anything to that, or in regard of the excellency hereof, but only in regard of our dulness, to make the point somewhat more plain and perspicuous. For this pattern is more sensible and better discerned. Every one knows how he loves his own body: but few or none know how Christ loves his Church. Besides, that example of Christ may seem too high and excellent for any to attain to, even inimitable; therefore to show that he requires no more than a man may perform, if he will set himself with care and conscience to do his duty, he adds the pattern of one's self; that which one does to his body, if he will, he may do to his wife.

No direction can be taken from this latter pattern, but might be referred to the former, as most of the former (though in a far meaner manner) may be referred to the latter. For the love which a man bears to himself is true, and entire without all dissimulation: the most dissembling wretch in the world (who in his dealings with other men does nothing uprightly) neither will nor can dissemble with himself; though other men shall never know the depth of his heart, yet the spirit which is in him, even himself, knows it: so as this pattern also presses truth and sincerity on husbands in their affection towards their wives: of all other they may not dissemble and deal doubly with them; but let them know the entireness of their affection towards them: and see they neither fawn on them, nor flatter them. They which pretend great love to their wives in show only, offend against nature itself. As the foresaid love of a man's own self is for manner entire and true, so also free not forced: and for measure as great as possibly it can be, and for continuance, constant, and so like to Christ's love. But there are two points especially to be considered in the love of one's self which above others are most sensibly discerned in this pattern: 1. Tenderness. 2. Cheerfulness.

No other man will or can so tenderly handle a man's hand, arm, leg, or any other part of his body, as himself: he is very sensible of his own smart.

The metaphors which the Apostle uses in these words, He nourishes and cherishes it, do lively set forth this tenderness: for they are taken from fowls and birds which very charily, and tenderly hover over their young ones, covering them all over with their wings and feathers, but so bearing up their bodies as no weight lies upon them (Ephesians 5:29).

Thus ought husbands with all tenderness, and mildness to deal with their wives, as we have before noted in many particulars: only this example of a man's self I thought good to set before husbands, as a lively pattern in which they might behold a precedent without exception, going before them, and by which they might receive excellent direction for the better performing of the particulars before noted.

Again, no friend, no parent, no other party will or can so willingly and cheerfully do any kindness for one, as a man for himself. This among other is one especial point which the law aims at, when it enjoins a man to love his neighbor as himself (Leviticus 19:18), namely, as willingly and readily as himself. Whatever a man does for himself he does much more cheerfully than for another. There needs no other proof than experience. Let men take notice of their own mind and disposition when they do things for themselves, and this will be as clear as the light when the sun shines forth at [reconstructed: noon] day.

Such an affection ought husbands to have to their wives: they ought more willingly and cheerfully to do any thing for their wives than for parents, children, friends or any other. Though this cheerfulness be an inward disposition of the heart, yet may it be manifested by a man's forwardness and readiness to do his wife good: when his wife shall no sooner desire a kindness, than he will be ready to grant it: as Boaz says to Ruth (Ruth 3:11), I will do for you all that you require; indeed, by any means he may know that this or that will be beneficial to her, though she desire it not, yet to effect it for her: which was the mind of the said Boaz to Ruth, as the history in many particulars shows.

Contrary is the disposition of those husbands who so grudgingly, repiningly, and discontentedly do those things which they do in their wives' behalf, as their wives had rather they were not done at all. The manner of doing them causes more grief to tender-hearted wives, than the things themselves can do good.

So far of the manner which husbands ought to observe in performing their duties. The reasons to enforce the same remain to be handled.

§. 75. Of Christ's example, a motive to provoke husbands to love their wives.

The aforementioned examples of Christ and of ourselves as they are patterns for our direction, so are general motives to provoke and stir us up the more to perform all the aforementioned duties after the manner prescribed.

A greater, and stronger motive cannot be yielded than the example of Christ. Example in itself is of great force to provoke us to do any thing: especially if it be the example of some great one, a man of place and renown.

But who is greater than Christ? What more worthy pattern? If (as was showed) the example of the Church is of great force to move wives to be subject to their husbands, the example of Christ must needs be of much greater force to move husbands to love their wives (Treatise 3, §. 74). A great honor it is to be like to Christ: and his example is a perfect pattern.

Two things there be which in Christ's example are especially to be noted to move husbands to love their wives.

1. That great inequality which is between him and his spouse.

2. That small benefit which he reaps by loving her.

For the better discerning of that inequality, the greatness of Christ on the one side, and the meanness of the Church on the other, are duly to be weighed.

Christ's greatness is in Scripture set forth by comparing him with creatures, and the Creator. Compared with creatures he is far more excellent than the most excellent, as the Apostle by many arguments proves in the first chapter to Hebrews — that whole chapter is spent in proof of this point. And in another place it is said that He is set far above all principality and power, and might, and dominion, and every name that is named not only in this world, but also in that which is to come (Ephesians 1:21).

Compared with the Creator he is no whit inferior to him, but equal: being the brightness of glory, and the express image of his person (Hebrews 1:3; Philippians 2:6): and that word of whom it is said, In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the word was God: all things were made by him, etc. (John 1:1, 3). So as he is the very Creator himself, eternal, infinite, incomprehensible. Thus is Christ's greatness inexplicable.

The meanness of the Church is as low on the other side: she is a creature, fashioned out of the earth, proceeding from the loins of corrupt Adam, not only finite, but in itself vile and base. The Prophet Ezekiel does set her forth in her lively colors as she is in herself (Ezekiel 16:1, etc.; Isaiah 40:17). Compared therefore to Christ she is nothing, less than nothing. What equality, what proportion can there then be between Christ and her?

But if man and woman be compared together, we shall find a near equality: and that both in the points of their humiliation, and also of their exaltation. In regard of the former, they are both of the same mold, of the same corrupt nature, subject to the same infirmities, at length brought to the same end. In regard of the latter the best and greatest privileges are common to both of them: they are both made after the same image, redeemed by the same price, partakers of the same grace, and heirs together of the same inheritance.

Quest. What is then the preferment of the male kind? What is the excellency of a husband?

Answ. Only outward and momentary. Outward, in the things of this world only: for in Christ Jesus they are both one (Galatians 3:28). Momentary, for the time of this life only: for in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven (Matthew 22:30): then all subjection of wives to husbands ceases.

To conclude this point, the inequality between Christ and the Church, and equality between man and wife being such as has been declared; seeing Christ vouchsafes to love his Church, ought not man thereby be moved to love his wife?

The other point concerning the small benefit which Christ reaps by his Church, will yet further enforce the point: for illustration of which we will note the great benefit which man reaps by his wife.

The benefit which Christ reaps from the Church is in one word nothing. For Christ is in himself all-sufficient: he neither needs anything, nor can receive anything: If you are righteous, what do you give to him? Or what does he receive of your hand? Yet abundantly he bestows all manner of gifts, temporal, and spiritual, earthly and heavenly. It was not therefore his own good that he respected in loving the Church, but her good: for he being God became man; being Lord of heaven and earth, he took upon him the form of a servant; being rich he became poor: having the keys of hell and of death, and being the Lord of life, he humbled himself, and became obedient to the death: thus to show love to his Church he left much for her sake, but received nothing of her.

But the benefit which man reaps from a wife is very great: for it was not good for a man to be alone: insomuch as he who finds a wife finds a good thing; and that in all the points of goodness, a profitable thing, a comfortable thing, a delightful thing. They know not the benefit of the married estate, who prefer single life before it, especially if the married estate be ordered by God's word, and man and wife careful to perform their own duty each to other.

To apply this point also, and to bring it to the conclusion: If Christ who can receive nothing from the Church notwithstanding loves her, ought not men much more to love their wives, who many ways receive much good from them, and without whom they cannot well be?

This example of Christ is the rather to be noted, because it cleanly wipes away all those false colors, and vain pretenses which many allege as reasons, to show that there is little reason they should love their wives: some of their pretenses are these.

1. Their wives are of a far meaner rank than themselves; should they then perform duty to their inferiors? They commonly who marry their kitchen maids, or others far under their degree, allege this pretense.

Answer. I might reply, that marriage advances a wife to the degree of her husband: and that it was his own folly to marry one so mean: but for the purpose and point in hand, let any tell me, whether the supposed disparity between them and their wives, be in any degree comparable to that which is between Christ and the Church: yet Christ thinks not much to do duties of love to his Church.

2. There is nothing in their wives worthy to be loved.

Answer. This very thing, that such a one is your wife, is matter enough to make her worthy of love. But what was there in the Church to make her worthy of Christ's love? If it be said that she is endued with many excellent graces, which make her amiable in Christ's sight: I answer, that of herself she has none of those graces, Christ has bestowed them upon her, and so made her [reconstructed: amiable]: and thus you ought to endeavor by using all good means you can to make your wife answerable to your love: but however, to love her.

3. Their wives give just occasion to be hated by reason of their peevishness, stubbornness, insolence, and other like intolerable vices.

Answer. No occasion may seem just to move a husband to hate his wife: nor any vice seem to him intolerable: with goodness he ought to overcome evil. If notorious sins seemed intolerable to Christ, or that he thought any occasion just to cause hatred, many that are of his Church would oft draw his hatred upon them: but Christ hates never a member of his Church.

4. There is no hope that ever I shall receive any help of my wife, or benefit from her.

Answer. There is little charity in such as can conceive no hope: for love hopes all things (1 Corinthians 13:7): but yet the case so stands with Christ. The Church is so utterly unable to help or benefit him, as he may justly say, he cannot hope to receive anything from her. Christ loves the Church for her own good, not for his; so ought husbands. Thus if Christ's example be well weighed, and observed of husbands, it will afford matter enough to remove every doubt or scruple raised to alienate their affections from their wives. Fittingly therefore has the Apostle set it before husbands, both to direct them how to love their wives, and also to move them so to do.

§76. Of a man's love to himself, a motive to provoke him to love his wife.

To the same purpose that Christ's example tends, tends also the pattern of a man's self. Great is the affection that a man bears to himself, to his own flesh, his own body: he never hates, but ever loves himself: no sore, no disease, no pain, no stench that the flesh brings to a man, can make him hate it: but rather all manner of infirmities do make him the more to pity, tender, and cherish it. This is a work of nature: the most heathenish, and barbarous, that ever were, do it. Now a wife being to a man as his body and his flesh (for they two are one flesh) and God having commanded men to love their wives as their own bodies, these conclusions will necessarily follow from this motive:

1. He that loves not his wife is more carried with the instinct of nature, than with the express charge of the God of nature. Nature's instinct moves him to love his body. But God's express charge moves him not, to love his wife.

2. He that loves not his wife is worse than an infidel and a barbarian, indeed than a very beast: for all these love their own bodies, and their own flesh: but a wife (by God's ordinance) is as one's body, and his flesh.

3. He that loves his wife loves himself: the Apostle himself in these very words lays down this conclusion: from where by the rule of contraries this also will follow, he that loves not his wife, loves not himself.

4. He that loves not his wife cannot but bring woe and mischief upon himself. For the damage and mischief which follows on a wife, through any neglect of duty on her husband's part, follows also on him: as the mischief which follows on the body through any negligence of the head, lights also on the head.

If these be not motives sufficient to provoke a husband to love his wife, I know not what can be sufficient.